AS we sat celebrating a national holiday commemorating 61 years of Zambia’s independence under the theme, “61 Years of Peace and Unity: Building a Resilient and Prosperous Zambia,” I could not help but think to myself, are we really free? Are we truly independent? Looking at the people on my table, they were able to enter the premises of the event with their phones, while most people were told to leave theirs at the entrance.

Talking about independence today, am I independent as a woman? Are you independent as a man? I posed this question to a few friends who seemed caught off guard as to whether they were truly independent as human beings.

To that woman who works or runs her own business but still has to hide whatever she buys for herself, a new shoe or outfit, because she needs her spouse’s approval; to that woman who has to hand over her entire salary to her husband and wait for him to return some as grocery or transport money; to that woman who took out a loan and bought a car yet hasn’t driven it in the past five years because she had to hand it over to “the head of the house” so society doesn’t look down on them as a couple where the woman drives and the man doesn’t, meanwhile, she now uses a bus to get home because he’s usually too busy to pick her up; to that lady who orders flowers for herself on Valentine’s Day and pretends at work that they’re from her better half; to that woman who cannot do a hairstyle or colour she likes, or lock her hair because her spouse prefers Masai braids only, and so she adorns herself in Masai all year round, are we really independent women?

To that gentleman who cannot send money from his mobile account but walks to a booth to send money to his mother for fear his wife will see the transaction; to the man who cannot help his siblings or other relatives because he fears his wife’s reaction; to the man who cannot let his nephews and nieces visit because his wife says, “No visitors”; to that man who cannot eat indigenous vegetables or enjoy a glass of maheu (munkoyo) and instead looks forward to lunch at matebeto at work where he can freely indulge, because his wife doesn’t cook during the week but orders takeaways, are we really independent and free as men?

To those couples who have to save phone numbers under fake names because their spouses are too possessive; to couples who go offline as soon as it’s 5 p.m. and say it’s “for peace’s sake”; to those who have to explain themselves even when a call is an emergency work call, just because it’s from the opposite sex, are you really free and independent as an individual?

To individuals who cannot play their choice of music because their spouse laughs and says it’s “too old-fashioned”; to those who can only watch their favourite TV show or movie when their partner is away on a workshop, are you really free and independent?

To individuals stuck in jobs that stress them but cannot leave because they can’t afford to survive without the paycheck, are you free and independent?

In the stages of growth, individuals engage in separate functioning: a baby crawls, stands, and learns to walk; is fed until he or she learns to feed themselves. Soon, the child develops a sense of who they are, as well as the nature of their relationship with their parents.

Autonomy or independence is the natural order of development for a child and young adult to separate appropriately from their parents. Autonomy is often associated with the positive feeling of being the one who determines and governs one’s own behaviour, giving a person a sense of freedom. The need for autonomy is critical for developing a sense of self and for one’s overall psychological and physical health.

Yet not all people are raised in ways that encourage this path to healthy independence. Some parents are so focused on their own needs or standards that they use control tactics like withdrawal of love and approval to influence their child’s behaviour, which can have dysfunctional outcomes. For example, some parents exert psychological control to the point that independence is stifled, and the child or young adult remains behaviourally and emotionally dependent. This type of maladaptive dependence can lead to difficulties once the parent is no longer available.

However, other parents who emphasize too much independence can also create problems. Some expect their children to demonstrate a high degree of accomplishment and independence to earn their parents’ love. In doing so, the offspring may become so achievement-oriented that they feel the need to “stand out” from others, and consequently fail to develop close, intimate relationships.

Gaining independence helps us learn, explore, and evolve. Yet, the world can be a scary and unforgiving place. The need to have others in our lives whom we can turn to for comfort, support, and security is essential. Having people who care for us and make us feel safe and protected in times of need, and are willing and able to do so, helps us become more autonomous. It gives us a sense of well-being and promotes attachment to others.

When we are young, parents usually fill that role as the attachment figure who encourages our independence. When we become adults, a romantic partner often assumes that role. Research has found that when a partner supports the other’s autonomy, it not only helps the partner grow and pursue their goals but also strengthens the relationship between them.

The saying “No man is an island” reminds us that we all depend on others for strength, motivation, endurance, and security as we pursue our goals and independence. So, as we celebrate our country’s independence, let us not forget those in our lives who have given and continue to give us the opportunity and freedom to grow and attain our dreams.

As we raise children to be independent and free, let’s teach them at an early age to resist being bullied by others. Let them be self-reliant, think for themselves, and stand up for themselves. They should not permit themselves to become slaves to addictions or forfeit their self-control. Teach them the value of standing up for what they believe in.

As adults, it’s never too late to free ourselves from mental slavery. When we are so conditioned by a person, group, idea, or ideology that we can no longer think for ourselves, to the extent of being unable to distinguish right from wrong, we remain mental slaves. We are mentally enslaved when we are ignorant of the true causes of our problems and suffering, or when we are deluded by people, events, and ideas in our lives.

So, it is not right that while some people are free to walk in with their phones, others are forced to leave them at the entrance, a purely Animal Farm arrangement where some animals are more important than others.

Seek help when in need. Visit a counsellor near you.

Happy 61st Independence, Zambia!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: akamonde83@gmail.com