Dear Aka- Monde,
My wife is too clingy. In the early years of our marriage, I thought it was love and a honey moon phase thing. She followed me everywhere, still does. If we are home, we have to be in every room together. We have an office space at home that works as a library which I run to when I just want to be alone and she still joins me. The only time she is away from me is when she goes to church because I do not join her. But still I have to drop her and pick her from church. We have more than one vehicle at home but she prefers I drive her to work and pick her afterwards. Even when she attends kitchen parties, I have to drop her and pick her up. Our children are in boarding school and life only becomes easier when they are back as they keep us busy when on holiday. I cannot even sit in the garden alone for 2 minutes, she will join me. I cannot meet up with the boys because she will constantly call or ask that she waits in the car for me. The only time I have some peace is when she travels out for work. I have never cheated on her or given her reason to be this clingy and it’s not that I do not love my wife but as a man and human being, is it too much to ask for some alone time? because even when using the bathroom, she follows me and comes to chat.
P.

Dear Mr. P.
The more you try to pull away and have your space, the more she will want to be near you.

Some individuals have attachment anxiety which require constant reassurance and may become overly dependant on their partners. And this is characterized by a strong desire for closeness, fear of abandonment, and heightened emotional responses in relationships. This is often based on the relationship such individuals had with their primary caregiver when they were infants.

The good news is that with self-awareness and effort, it is possible to feel more secure. Having an anxious attachment doesn’t mean you can’t have healthy, thriving relationships. While it presents challenges, you can absolutely learn to manage anxious attachment and heal emotional wounds.

It might not always be easy to identity attachment anxiety in adults because it can be mistaken for one being madly in love. However; when one needs constant support from others, feels the need for reassurance that they are good enough, when they are hypersensitive to rejection and use physical closeness like hugging or holding as a tool to gain reassurance or reduce anxiety, these are often signs.

The fear of being abandoned and rejected such that one worries about a partner leaving without obvious signs of problems. Having emotional reactivity when someone isn’t available. Being afraid or incapable of being alone and feeling insecure or threatened by a partner’s independence or time apart are signs of attachment anxiety.

Trust issues also arise due to fear of being rejected or deemed unworthy and jealousy traits are heightened such that one constantly needs reassurance. Even when a partner is consistently loving and supportive, it becomes hard to believe this will last and hence one is always on their guard. The emotional neediness of craving for intimacy whilst fearing emotional rejection and the need for regular affirmation and fearing a partner having time alone is seen as a lack of interest in love. The feeling of unworthy and constantly asking oneself why anyone would want to be with you and fearing your partner will recognize your flaws and leave. And often this makes one blame themselves for problems in a relationship. Dependency, people pleasing or over giving becomes a norm by devoting time and energy to a relationship and feeling rejected when a partner attends to other areas of life. One tends to walk on eggshells to avoid conflicts and will stay in unhealthy relationships for fear of losing connection.

Anxious attachment is thought to stem from childhood and can stick with a person into adulthood. While there is not always a clear-cut answer for why someone may develop an anxious attachment, it could be a result of some of the following factors:

Inconsistent parenting

Parenting is inconsistent when there are times of support and responsiveness to the child’s needs, but at other times, they are cold, insensitive, or emotionally unavailable. For example, one time when you were angry as a child, your parent reassured you and talked you through your difficult feelings, but the next time it happened, they dismissed you and told you to ‘get over it.’ The child may become confused about their relationship with a caregiver, sending mixed signals. This inconsistency can make it difficult for the child to understand what their parent’s behavior means and what kind of response to expect, resulting in insecurity and anxiety.

Caregiver’s ‘emotional hunger’

This is where caregivers seek emotional or physical closeness with the child for the purpose of satisfying their own needs. Because of this, they are neglecting the child’s emotional and physical needs. These caregivers may appear intrusive and preoccupied with their child’s life and can be overprotective. They may replace the actual love and affection of their child with using the child to feed their own needs. For example, your mother insists on being involved in all your activities with your school friends, wanting to know every detail, and gets upset when you are apart. She tells you that you are her ‘best friend in the whole world.’ As a result, you choose to spend most of your free time with your mother and feel guilty for spending time with others. The child, therefore, does not get their needs met and may put everyone else’s needs above their own as this is what they have been used to.

Anxious caregivers

This is likely not due to genetic factors; rather, it is a continuation of behavioral patterns repeated throughout generations. Moreover, without management, the anxiously attached child may grow up to have their own children who are anxiously attached. For example, your father does not like to do activities alone and will become distressed if he is left by himself and tends to be clingy with others. You assume this is typical behavior, and as a result, you also do not want to do activities alone.

In romantic relationships, anxious attachment can be triggered by the actions or perceived actions of a partner. When triggered, someone with an anxious attachment may become immediately emotional, jumping to worst-case scenarios about abandonment. They may demand constant reassurance from their partner, become clingy, or act out to regain closeness and they do so by being overly dramatic or cry as a way to communicate their needs.

Anxious anxiety can be triggered by inconsistency, particularly the contrast between moments of connection and disconnection, e.g., a partner being quiet or withdrawn after a good weekend feels like a sudden shift from total safety to extreme danger, triggering disarray and a sense of powerlessness or a partner suddenly has more work responsibilities and spends time at home answering emails or your partner forgets that it is your anniversary or forgets to pick you up an item from the shop that you requested or your partner spends a lot of time on their phone when you’re together, or you get a new haircut, but your partner fails to notice anything new.

It may not always be possible to heal an anxious attachment, but there are some ways in which it can be managed to help one feel more secure in a relationship.

If you have anxious attachment, you may be more likely to have automatic responses to negativity. Therefore, it is important to identify the triggers as this will can help you think of a healthier way to respond. Take time to think about how you feel in a moment and what thoughts come up. Be aware of these thoughts and the meaning that is given to these thoughts. Then, you can consider the best way to respond. If you feel that you find this difficult, you could even remove yourself from the situation before responding. Go for a walk to gather your thoughts before returning to the situation. Let’s say your partner is late coming home from work one evening without calling or texting you. You immediately have the thought, “They don’t care about me or respect my time.” This makes you feel angry and hurt. Instead of reacting right away, pause and try to identify the trigger. Recognize that your anxiety about their lack of communication is triggering an automatic negative assumption.

When feeling anxious, it can also help to do something grounding so you feel less stuck in your thoughts such as exercise or taking a walk. It can be beneficial to heal your inner child who first experienced an anxious attachment with a caregiver. This can be done by giving yourself the love, support, and kindness you did not receive as a child. Be compassionate with yourself, forgive yourself for mistakes, check in with, and comfort yourself if this is what you need.

When experiencing negative thought patterns, remind yourself that while they seem real, the thoughts are not necessarily true. Do not believe every negative thought you have and instead try to challenge them when they come up. When self-doubt or harsh judgments arise, treat them like a worried child in need of reassurance. Speak to yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend: “I see you’re scared of failing, but you’ve handled tough situations before.”

If these patterns resonate with you, it’s important to understand that anxious attachment isn’t permanent or irreversible. These behaviors were originally coping mechanisms developed in response to emotional insecurity, which means they can also be changed and replaced with healthier habits. Through increased self-awareness, honest communication, and support from therapy, many individuals successfully shift toward a more secure attachment style that is characterized by feeling comfortable with closeness and intimacy and being able to communicate feelings and needs in relationships.

Seek help when in need, visit a Counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]