When Sepo opened her eyes, she had stitches near her left eye and on her lower lip. Her hospital room was filled with gorgeous flowers and a beautiful teddy bear. As soon as Moonga walked in, he knelt down and proposed to her. He told her not to worry — he had engaged a wedding planner and all was ready in a month’s time. He had even involved Sepo’s sister to help buy a wedding dress. The nurse and her sister thought she was sobbing from happiness and the wedding news; deep down, Sepo was remembering the beating she had endured that evening all because a former male college mate had hugged her in the supermarket. Sepo knew Moonga was hot-tempered and deep down was praying he didn’t witness the hug, as he had gone to pick some wine from the other section of the store. As they drove home that evening, he was awfully quiet, and as soon as they got into the house they were sharing, she felt a heavy blow on her head and the next thing she knew, she woke up in a hospital room. It was not the first time he was hitting her; she thought with time he would change. It would be a few slaps here and there, followed by roses, expensive chocolates and good make-up romance.

Many domestic violence victims don’t speak up because they fear being judged, and others believe if they love too much, they can love the abuse out of their partner.

The nurse attending to Sepo could not help shaking the vibe that something was not right. As she attended to cleaning her patient’s wounds, she asked Sepo what exactly happened, and Sepo broke down. Things took an interesting turn when Sepo spoke out in defence of her fiancé. She apologized, saying: “I deeply regret the role I played that day; I should have stopped my former schoolmate from hugging me, but he was too quick.”

The nurse could not understand how Sepo could be standing by her man after he had put her through such a beating. Why would someone stay with, let alone defend, a man who had knocked her unconscious?

Many stay in abusive relationships thinking that love would conquer all. Being controlled and hurt is traumatizing, and this leads to confusion, doubts, and even self-blame. Perpetrators harass and accuse victims, which wears them down and causes despair and guilt. For example, most women begin to believe they deserve the beating. They feel ashamed, embarrassed, and blame themselves because they feel they triggered the man. Others minimize the abuse as a way to cope with it; they accept that there can be no rape in a relationship and that emotional or financial abuse is not abuse unless it’s a physical beating. Others even say, “If he beats you, then he loves you.”

Abuse can cause one to lose their self-worth by making them believe they deserve whatever bad treatment they receive. The threat of bodily and emotional harm is powerful, and abusers use this to control and keep women trapped. Attempting to leave an abuser can be dangerous; the threats of being gunned down or chopped to pieces can scare one to a point where they fear leaving no matter how many times they are abused.

Some women think they can change the abuser by never leaving and showing loyalty. They will spend days fasting, hoping the abuser will experience a miracle by showing him loyalty. Others feel pity and put their partner’s needs above their own: blaming one’s upbringing and concluding God hates divorce while enduring abuse which can be physical or emotional. Some women endure being examined in their private parts every time they get home from work to ensure no other man has touched them, and they get convinced that this is normal behaviour because it shows the man truly wants them to himself.

Most women put their children first, sacrificing their own safety — thinking if they don’t tolerate the beating, the man might turn and start hitting the children. Others stay because they want their children to have a father present in their lives.

For some women, past experiences with violence have distorted their sense of self or of healthy relationships: having watched their own mothers getting beaten, they grow up believing it’s normal as they have found someone who is just like their father. While some women want to be staunch Christians who believe God hates divorce and fear being disowned by the Church if they walk out of the marriage.

Financial constraints make some women stay in abusive relationships. They fear not receiving financial support if they leave. Some women are so isolated to a point where the abusive partner makes them choose between friends, family, or having a partner.

Although there might be other reasons why women stay in abusive relationships and do not report, we must note that women can also be perpetrators. One reason many victims hesitate to speak up is because they are afraid of being judged. The sacred rule of not washing dirty linen in public has sent too many people to an early grave.

For men, it’s unheard of to be beaten by a woman, and society laughs, so they keep it to themselves. If more people responded to victims’ stories of abuse with concern and compassion instead of with criticism, more victims might speak up and find the support they need to live a life free of abuse. However, this society will dissect a victim of abuse and blame her/him for being in a relationship in the first place.

Why don’t they just leave? It’s the question many people ask when they learn that someone is suffering abuse. But if you are in an abusive relationship, you know that it’s not that simple. Ending a significant relationship is never easy. It’s even harder when you’ve been isolated from your family and friends, psychologically beaten down, financially controlled, and physically threatened.

If you’re trying to decide whether to stay or leave, you may be feeling confused, uncertain, frightened, and torn. Maybe you’re still hoping that your situation will change, or you’re afraid of how your partner will react if they discover that you’re trying to leave.

One moment, you may desperately want to get away, and the next, you may want to hang on to the relationship. Maybe you even blame yourself for the abuse or feel weak and embarrassed because you’ve stuck around in spite of it. Don’t be trapped by confusion, guilt, or self-blame. The only thing that matters is your safety.

If you are being abused, remember:
• You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.
• You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behaviour.
• You deserve to be treated with respect.
• You deserve a safe and happy life.
• Your children deserve a safe and happy life.
• You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.

If you’re hoping your abusive partner will change, the abuse will probably keep happening. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn’t quick or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for their behaviour, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, their unhappy childhood, stress, work, their drinking, or their temper.

If you believe you can help your abuser… it’s only natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you’re the only one who understands them or that it’s your responsibility to fix their problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you’re reinforcing and enabling the behaviour. Instead of helping your abuser, you’re perpetuating the problem.

If your partner has promised to stop the abuse, monitor how they act when facing consequences. Abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. Most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behaviour once you’ve forgiven them and they’re no longer worried that you’ll leave.

If your partner is in counselling, there is no guarantee that they’ll change. Many abusers who go through counselling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the problem or making excuses, that’s a good sign. But you still need to make your decision based on who they are now, not the person you hope they will become.

If you’re worried about what will happen if you leave, you may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do, where you’ll go, or how you’ll support yourself or your children. But don’t let fear of the unknown keep you in a dangerous, unhealthy situation.

Know your abuser’s red flags. Stay alert for signs and clues that your abuser is getting upset and may explode in anger or violence. Come up with several believable reasons you can use to leave the house (both during the day and at night) if you sense trouble brewing.

Identify safe areas of the house. Know where to go if your abuser attacks or an argument starts. Avoid small, enclosed spaces without exits (such as closets or bathrooms) or rooms with weapons (such as the kitchen). If possible, head for a room with an outside door or window.

Most importantly, report abuse to the nearest police, and let a close friend or an adult family member know what you are going through in your relationship. You do not need to suffer in silence.

Seek help when in need. Visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]