Dear Aka-Monde,

I see my husband in “Jonasi.” Those same traits are exactly what defines him. I cried myself to sleep the night I watched the polygamist. Manje niku chita bwanji because even when he promised and confessed to change 3 years ago, I recently found out all he did was save names differently in his phone and saved the women with contact numbers of his workmates and I would always wonder why in the world the guys at his work-place where always asking him for transport money. I do not snoop in his phone but he was using our savings account to transfer money to girls. I have kids and don’t want to break my family but his behaviour over the years has made me lose my self-esteem as a woman. Where did I go wrong ? Am I not good enough, am I giving him wrong sex?
Mrs. J.

Dear Mrs. J,
Self-love is appreciating yourself and valuing you. It’s the actions you take to prioritize yourself. Showing up for yourself boosts your confidence as a woman. The fear of what society will say has sent too many women to an early grave. A man’s wrong doing must not make you question your worth. Are you good enough? You sure are, otherwise he wouldn’t have married you.
It takes a lot for a woman to work on the negative thoughts after finding out his been cheating all this while. Begin to pay attention to your feelings rather than dismissing them. Write down your emotions, the old way of using a pen and book (diary) is ideal. Write down how you are feeling and what’s making you feel that way at that moment. In most cases, emotions are overwhelming at bedtime and this can help you release the tension so that you have a better day the next day. Acknowledging your emotions, is self-love.
Music is therapeutic. Create a mood boosting playlist. Have a playlist of motivational, calming and feel good music ready for when you need it. When the emotions require some “Irreplaceable” by Beyonce, hit that button. When you feel too helpless and “Teach me how to love” by Delana Hope is the only thing making sense, hit that button. If the mood calls for you thanking God for children even if their dad is lousy, “Kantashe lesa” should be on speed dial. Music can be therapeutic so utilize it when tough feelings strike.

In the midst of you doubting your self-worth, write down what gives you life. What are your values as a human being? If you are into faith, spend more time in place of worship. If you value plants, create more gardens and add to your flowers. If travelling calms you, plan a trip. If baking brings you relief, bake more. If movies do it for you, pop the corns and watch the movies. Do things that align with you.

Most importantly, create a safe space for yourself. A space where you can focus on your needs and emotions. A space that is a worry-free zone. It could be a one seater sofa in your bedroom, with a cozy fleece of your favourite calming colour where you could put your feet and hug yourself as you decide to journal in your diary or listen to soothing music. Invest in head-sets so that if you are not alone, the play list is heard by you alone. The key is creating a space that feels peaceful for you.

If you need to be alone because you are overwhelmed and it feels like crying will do you good, send the children or dependants away and have that time for crying. When you are about to leave the house, compliment yourself when you are looking good. Remember the youthful days when you had outfits planned out for the whole week, get back to that habit. As singles, most women make deliberate effort to look good especially if they are to attend an event and even a simple trip to the mall for groceries could look like a fashion event. Don’t allow yourself to let your guard down, always look good for you, with hair done, outfit selected for comfort and perfume included. The effort we put in when going out, should be the same effort we put in for ourselves even we are staying home, show up for yourself. Try out outfits in advance so that come morning, you have deliberate clothes lined out and not just pulling out clothes nearer to your reach. The effort you make for the outside world, should be made for yourself too. Look good for you too and you will feel good.

The mind tends to criticize itself more often after a disappointment. Maybe I stopped being good enough, did I gain work, did I lose shape. Maybe I stopped being attractive, did I become boring as a woman? At the very least, stop judging yourself harshly. Who is in the wrong, the cheater or you? You are not the one breaking vows, so why are you criticizing yourself? Lean in a different direction when self-criticism shows up. Your inner critic will always show up once in a while and in a harsh manner. Remember to remind yourself that it’s not your failure you are embracing, it’s your partners failure so do not embrace it.

As women, we tend to give ourselves away. From childhood, we are taught that we should be kind, sweet and respectful. As we get into adulthood, these messages turn into internalized beliefs. It’s about looking after the home, the marriage and in that equation, taking care of everyone else in the home by ensuring they have a clean environment, clean clothes, food and good health. Along the way, we are out of the equation. Everyone else is taken care of except us.

Take care of your basis needs through daily activities like good sound nutrition, exercise (e.g. simple walking), proper sleep and healthy social interactions. As children, we played with friends, as adults, we can sit and have a cup of tea and talk or reminisce.
Finding time to talk about your feeling is a form of self-love because you are taking time to show yourself you want to work on what is not okay. Turn to friends and family you can trust if they have the capacity to listen. The person we actually need to talk to is our partners and yet these can be the least people available to give us a listening ear.

Now that we are understanding that self-love motivates us to make healthy choices in life such as eating healthy and exercising, top of this list is having a healthy relationship which must not make us question our worth as a woman or as a human being.
Ladies only, join us on 26 July 2026 from 14:30hrs to 17:00hrs at Mumana Green Events in Chelstone for a “Women’s Conference on Self-Love.” (Dress code is a maxi-dress or bubu) For registration details contact: 0777 475 529.
Seek help when in need, visit a Counsellor near you!