Ms. Veorance had gone to her usual baker to pick up a birthday cake for her son who was turning 7 the next day. Her favourite baker, Mr. Mutinta had a shop right outside his yard. She parked her vehicle at the gate adjacent to Mr. Mutinta’s shop.

In about 3 minutes, Ms. Veorance was done collecting and paying for the spiderman themed cake and was glad to be heading back before the 17:00 hours rush hour traffic. As she unlocked her car to put the cake, she realized she had been blocked by a vehicle behind her.

She figured it could be another customer and walked back into the cake shop to enquire and was informed that the vehicle blocking her belonged to one of the tenants in Mr. Mutinta’s yard. Mr. Mutinta later made a call to inform the owner of the vehicle that she needed to move her vehicle but the neighbour lady was unresponsive.

After several phone call attempts, Mr. Mutinta went to knock at her flat and was informed by the maid that she had gone out for a road run. Ms. Veorance could not believe her ears and had to wait for 2 hours before the owner of the vehicle blocking her returned calls. She heatedly informed her that she was the first one who blocked her by parking at the gate as if she was a residence there.

Ms. Veorance apologized and told her that she was only in the cake shop for less than 5 minutes but the lady could not hear it. It was now 3 hours later and her maid back home was persistently calling that it was getting late and all her friends she walked home with had left her as her area was no longer safe walking alone in the night.

A simple cake collection task was now taking 3 hours. Mr. Mutinta decided that they call their landlord who could try reasoning with the aggrieved neighbour who had blocked his customer. The landlord assured him he would speak with the lady and in no time, she came back, with no apologies and removed her vehicle to unblock Ms. Veorance.

During this period that Ms. Veorance was blocked, so much was said about the lady who had blocked her, that maybe since she was a single woman, she must be frustrated with life. That maybe she was so kombonic and could not believe she was finally staying muma yard.

That maybe she was a Chainama case. But honestly, what have the Chainama clients have to do with her behaviour? Is it a crime to be a single woman that such behaviour should be attributed to singleness? Is staying in a Komboni synonymous with rudeness?

I have witnessed people treating others badly simply because they were going through a rough time themselves. Parents having a bad day at work have on occasion gone home and poured their frustrations on their children. Others have brought their frustrations at home to work.

Treating other people badly just because you were treated the same is uncalled for and is toxic. Even though it wasn’t your fault that someone hurt you, passing on hurt to others simply because of this should not be normalised.

After a rude comment or a harsh tone, you can begin to wonder why some people are so mean. When it happens repeatedly, you can start to question yourself what you did wrong. In most cases, mean or rudeness says more about the other person’s stress, insecurity and emotional maturity. And how you react also shows your emotional maturity too.

People act mean and rude for three main reasons; psychological patterns like low self-esteem, unresolved emotions like built up anger or grief or situational stress like being broke or failing to meet deadlines.

Mean or rudeness rarely comes out of nowhere. It’s usually how a person thinks, how they feel or the moment they are in. Sometimes people hide behind excuses and use them on constantly to justify their bad behaviour.

They refuse to acknowledge the active roles they play in the bad situations they may be in. They blame their poor health, their poor financial situations, their addictions, and other unhealthy habits on other people or other forces and circumstances.

Psychological causes of rudeness are often due to low self-esteem. People who feel small inside want to act big and harsh on the outside to compensate. Feeling threatened due to lack of confidence or success can make an insecure person rude and this rudeness is trying to mask their insecurity. For some people, they grew up around people who were always yelling or putting them down and grow up thinking this is how to communicate.

The emotional causes of rudeness can be due to unprocessed pain. A rude or mean person may be going through a break-up, illness or grief you know nothing about. Pain could be looking for a way out and will be taken out on the nearest person even if it’s a stranger. Some people were never taught to handle frustrations in a healthy way hence will blast at anyone and everybody.

Sometimes stress and time pressure due to examinations or big life changes such as a divorce or non-renewal of contract at work can cause someone to lose it and be rude and mean. Group bias especially in politics can make small differences into hostility.

Group bias in politics, often called partisan favoritism, is the tendency of people to give preferential treatment, trust, and positive evaluations to political parties or social groups they belong to (“us”), while viewing rival groups (“them”) with scepticism, hostility, or negative stereotypes

When someone is being rude and mean, don’t take it personal, remind yourself that that behaviour is about them and not you. Learn to spend less time with or around rude or mean people. Before you quickly respond to rude or mean comments, always take a pause, take a deep breath and remind yourself that it’s not you with a problem but that, rudeness is a cry for help.

Being around rude or mean people can affect your mental health as it can cause stress, self-doubt and give you anxiety. And when people are persistently rude or mean to you and you are not setting boundaries, they can take advantage and turn you into an emotional punch bag for their stress.

Never blame your alcoholism on something you are going through. Never blame your violence on a bad childhood. As much as the factors could have been contributors to your current situation, you are only using them as excuses to keep engaging in them and to keep hurting yourself and others in your life. If someone goes out drinking and comes to insult, it simply means he has always been meaning to insult but found the courage in the bottle to do so. Your excuses will keep you engaged in these habits and you will be passing on the pain you feel to others.

You cannot control other people, how they act or the mood they are in but you can control the power you give their behaviour over your day. Allowing yourself to get angry because someone has been rude or mean is giving into to what that person wants. So, the next time you see someone being rude and mean on social media, at work or anyone else, it’s not your fault, “bali nama issues.”

Seek help when in need, visit a Counsellor near you!