My wife recently accepted a job in a mining company and it is paying her 5 times more than her previous job. I have never been one to concern myself about my wifes salary in the past because I knew her salary scale for the previous job. All these years, I took care of school fees for our three children and my wife had access to the money I earned because I added her to my salary account by turning it into a joint account. All allowances from work would go into this joint account which she has full access to.

My wife would buy groceries from our joint account and all her financial needs such as swiping lunch for her women’s outings. Last week, she needed help with locating a certain document and she asked me to check through her old bag where she keeps documents. I had the shock of my life when I came across her offer letter which indicated her much, she earns. It’s been 6 months of her take home being more than K75,000.00. I was taught a man is a provider and that’s what I have been doing. But my wife knows there are instances when I have little money due to building projects and she would still demand I refuel her car. I have been having thoughts as to why if this is how much she is now earning, why hasn’t she bothered to start depositing some money into the joint account, I honestly was in so much shock that to date I have not confronted her. Does this mean the money I make is “our” money while what she makes is “hers” alone? There have been instances in the past six months when I have had headaches over car break downs, insurances due and the like but my wife had money and still never bothered to assist me at all. I am not saying we start meeting 50/50 but I expect her to be contributing to the joint account. I won’t lie that this discovery has driven me away from her. I look at her differently because I can’t believe my wife can be this greedy. The joint account would buy her wigs for K10,000.00. She would swipe for her expensive perfumes. I literally have little savings due to supporting the family which I know is my obligation but it hurts that after getting a good paying job, she just couldn’t disclose it was well paying and later on she still can’t contribute anything as if she is still on a K5,000.00 salary.

Lately I am finding solace chatting with a waitress at a place near work where I normally eat lunch from because I can’t talk with my wife, am hurt. This is not to say I plan on cheating but I honestly am so disappointed with my wife that I am not talking to her as I used to and she hasn’t even noticed. I am beginning to look forward to lunch because I have now noticed the not so aligned dental formulae of the young waitress, you know lozi’s and their dental at times, she’s a pretty lady, down to earth, I have never cheated but right now, my mind is drifting. Anyway, all am trying to say is my wife’s hiding of her earnings has given me second thoughts as to whether she ever loved me or she was always about financial security. If I retired today, I will have no savings and can she look after me? I am not threatened by her having her own money in her account, the new job should have cushioned us financially but I feel its selfish of her to keep quiet and not contribute anything looking at her much she’s earning.

Petros

Dear Petros,
Finances should be discussed and agreed upon in before marriage.
• How much is to be allowed for non-essential expenses?
• Will there be joint or separate accounts?

There are many other things to consider, but all couples should go into marriage with the same expectations involving lifestyle and finances.
Financial infidelity occurs when couples with combined finances lie to each other about money. For example, one partner may hide significant debts in a separate account while the other partner is unaware. Another common example is when one partner makes large discretionary expenditures without discussing the matter with their partner.

Money can be a big point of contention among couples, so it is important for each partner to be open about their financial situation, expenditures, and attitudes toward money. A great starting point is reviewing each other’s financial pictures before merging finances.

Also, setting up a mutually agreeable system for handling expenditures can help avoid many fights down the line. For instance, many couples set up an allowance system, which allows each partner to spend a set amount each month without having to consult the other. This allows for partners to maintain part of their financial independence while still working toward mutual financial goals.

Money is a sensitive topic and can even be so amongst two individuals that are close. If both partners are not on the same page about money, financial issues can often lead to the couple splitting up or being extremely unhappy in the relationship.

If financial infidelity is suspected or discovered, as is the case with your wife, the best course of action is to address it openly and honestly. Here are steps you can take:
1. Come clean: Transparency is essential. Both partners should share full details about their finances.
2. Seek help: A professional counsellor, elder from church or an elderly family member that you are both comfortable with can help facilitate the conversation if the situation is difficult to address.
3. Create shared financial goals: Work together on a budget that reflects mutual priorities.
4. Manage debt: If there’s significant debt, create a plan to pay it off and make a plan to stop new debts from popping up.
5. Address underlying issues: Excessive spending could be linked to deeper personal issues, which may require therapy or professional intervention.

Financial infidelity can be avoided by always having open communication. Financial infidelity can significantly damage trust, which is essential for a healthy relationship. Financial infidelity can cause significant harm to relationships if left unchecked. Transparency and communication are critical for maintaining trust and financial peace in a partnership.

In homes where the man shoulders most of the financial responsibilities, it’s common for the wife to handle smaller bills such as paying the helper/gardener. Of course, couples should go with what works for them. But it’s important for couples to be financially literate.

You unknowingly conditioned your wife to believe you will always provide financially because that’s what you have always done. There is nothing wrong with making a change now than leaving the status quo as it is, seeing its now making you admire other people’s dental formulae and bringing a drift in your relationship.

You did well to make your account a joint account but now, need to man up and discuss incomes. It’s always important to develop strong communication skills when talking about money because it can be an uncomfortable topic.

Ask your wife how the new job is doing. Then discuss your expenses which are mainly recurring bills and discuss your priorities. At this point, ask her how much she is willing to add to the joint account and make it clear that you now expect her to contribute since she is now earning reasonably, if she doesn’t seem willing to be contributing to the account, ask her about how much she’s earning.

To my fellow women, men are also emotional beings, ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse hid such valuable information from you, you would suspect him of cheating.

If you’ve experienced financial infidelity, it’s important to come clean, establish a shared financial plan, and, if necessary, seek professional guidance to address underlying issues. With commitment and mutual effort, financial infidelity can be resolved and trust can be rebuilt.

Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]