Nandi had decided it was not healthy to keep tolerating Moonga whenever he sent her a text saying he was missing her. It had been three months since the big disappointment. Someone had inboxed her chilanga mulilo pictures, and when she confronted him, Moonga said it was a family funeral. She knew that kind of dress-up could not be for a funeral, and the appearance of pots with ribbons meant more than a funeral, but it was not until she received a wedding vow picture that she finally understood he was gone. A few weeks later, he texted her and informed her that she was still the love of his life and that his family had arranged the marriage, which he couldn’t turn down.

Sam was embarrassed when he knelt down to propose to Ruth. She said she wasn’t ready, but the following month, she got married to a local car dealer. He didn’t understand why or how he had failed, but everyone was advising him to “take it as a man.” Six months later, he was receiving text messages from Ruth asking for financial help. Being the gentleman that he was, he would send the money without questioning.

Sometimes we all struggle with the intense pain and confusion of reaching out to an ex. You wish they could have realised sooner what they would miss. Missing someone is not a weakness; those moments and feelings of vulnerability are valid.

People end relationships for different reasons. Some relationships were never meant to be and are probably for the best that they ended. But when a text pops up from an ex-lover who was in an unhealthy relationship with us, it’s important not to indulge rumination. Rumination is characterised by focusing on one’s own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. It involves a tendency to overthink and dwell on negative events rather than focusing on solutions or positive outcomes.

When a text pops up from an ex-lover, the brain follows a familiar pattern. What is important is for you to interrupt the trigger and not entertain it. Distract yourself by stepping outside, calling a neutral person such as a sibling or a best friend, simply create space between the thought and your reaction.

If the text brings a painful memory, use it as a reminder of your growth by telling yourself you are stronger and focusing on the positive things that have come from the breakup. Memories are a part of being human, but let us not allow them to take up too much of our time and energy. You may wish to know that changing an ex’s contact name in the phone gives you power, nothing wrong with saving him or her as “painful association” or “old memories,” especially if the breakup hurt you emotionally.

Sometimes we need to realise that some of the text messages we get from our exes are just a long-shot bet. They are not a genuine cry for a makeup but someone trying to see if they can still use you emotionally or financially. Bait texts are usually transparent, and your self-worth should never be tied to their reply. If you feel you owe someone an apology, make sure it comes from a genuine part of your heart that sincerely wants to account for your actions, not because you are simply bored and know your ex misses you and will come to rescue you from your boredom.

The constant checking of an ex’s social media page is unhealthy. This is like poking a wound that is about to heal and pulling out the dry skin to make the wound fresh every day. Doing this will slow your healing, and it would be best to block an ex for a while to allow yourself time to move on and stop hurting.

When an ex initiates contact, your response must come from a place of self-respect by not giving them easy access. You receiving a hot message after a long silence doesn’t match the times you stayed not knowing what was going on. You are ghosted for two weeks, and suddenly someone sends a message saying, “I can’t breathe without you.” So what about the two weeks they were silent and not caring how you felt by not responding or returning your calls? How to treat such a person is to simply tell them how you have learnt to be without them in their silence and to be honest by telling them you don’t know what they expect you to say or do. Someone who genuinely wants to reconnect must demonstrate consistency and not low-effort affectionate texts. Ladies and gentlemen, a bottle of wine or a chocolate is not a sign of true love, nor is it a sign of repentance.

If you both agree to a conversation with the goal of potential reconciliation, the focus must shift from blame to accountability and genuine appreciation. Both must apologise for the silence, for not being honest in either actions or words, and commit to the willingness to engage better. By focusing on what is still valuable to both of you, the dynamic shifts from criticism and blaming each other for what went wrong. Be free to express how much you miss connecting with someone, and if you find them attractive, let them know. Instead of focusing on old fights, focus on the future. Sincerity is key, what do you want for the future? What can be done differently for a better tomorrow?

Remember that love is like a muscle; it can be infused with new energy. Prioritise your mental health by being accountable to yourself. Do not tolerate mistreatment in the name of love, love shouldn’t hurt.

Seek help when in need. Visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]