Dear Aka-Monde,

How soon should one move on after losing a spouse. I lost my wife in January last year and my relatives think I should start dating and probably remarry. I feel guilty looking at another woman. Once in a while, I get through by wet dreams but just thinking of loving someone else feels like betraying the love of my life.

Mr. C.

Dear Mr. C,

Losing a spouse is one of the most stressful things that can happen to anyone.

Grief has no stipulated period of how long it should take. Others fail to sleep and concentrate; they are barely functioning and family starts putting pressure that its time to start dating again.

When people are in mourning, there are others who feel it is somehow acceptable to judge and criticize them for the way they mourn.

Sometimes friends and family don’t mean harm but simply want to see you happy by suggesting you begin to date again or re-marry. They believe if you fall in love again, or get into a relationship, you will not be miserable. At times, someone grieving will look into the mirror and see nothing wrong while the people around can clearly see a second-class version of a friend, brother or sister.

Dating after the death of your spouse is often filled with strong emotions, not the least of which is guilt. Sometimes, surviving spouses know that their beloved ones would want them to find someone new but this still cannot take away the guilt. For those with children, you begin to wonder what they will say, “that mummy or daddy has found someone else.”

There is really no specific time frame for dating after the loss of a spouse. People grieve differently and this must be respected. Some will decide never to be in another relationship. Others may want a relationship but are afraid of getting attached to someone new; the relationship doesn’t work out, it results in yet another loss. Most men are more likely to remarry after the death of a spouse and society usually is lenient even if they marry 3 months later especially in the African set up as men are not expected to function well for so long with sexual pressure.

One of the main reasons why people seek new companionship is loneliness. As pain from the loss decreases over time, many decide to become re-involved with life by going out and this is where the need to connect with someone on a deeper level to combat the loneliness comes in. Most people are okay during day time as they are busy with making ends meet but when they lay their heads down on the pillow, loneliness and pain hits hard.

You need to know that only you can determine if you are ready, not your friends, your family but you, as the saying goes, “ichi kalipa chi umfwo mwine.” Deciding to date again usually comes months, if not years, after a loss. But sometimes, a connection unexpectedly comes early into the mourning period. If you meet someone and you connect, its worth giving it a chance and if the guilt feelings come, remind yourself that you are not cheating.

It is not uncommon for those dating after a loss to experience conflicting feelings of love and guilt. When these feelings are overwhelming, it is time to re-evaluate your emotional state. It does not mean that you should never date again, only that you may need more time.

It will not always be smooth sailing there will be moments of arguments and disagreements to work through. Commonly, jealousy, fear, abandonment and money issues come up especially if you have grown up- children. Will he leave “her” in “his” will? Will he forget about us? Will he respect our grieving? Be aware that often even the adult child feels, “I am not ready for this.” I want my dad/mom to be happy but not so fast….I’m still grieving for my mom/dad I’m not ready to think about a “replacement” for his or her love. It may be hard for children at any age to fully understand that the bereaved are lonely and, if the widow or widower had a good marriage, this can further motivate the longing for another partner. There is also the sense of urgency, i.e., “time is running out and life will not go on forever”. Tactfulness, thoughtfulness, and consideration for the feelings of children of all ages are so important, as well as the understanding that fathers and mothers grieve differently than their children who have their own important timetable. One cannot hurry the process of your grief, your adult children leading their own lives, or that of younger children. While you want your life to move forward, a sensitive and understanding parent needs to recognize and be especially responsive to the needs of children who are grieving the loss of their mother or father. The child needs the “daddy” or “mommy” that’s left. They need them to be emotionally available. Equally important, children commonly have expectations that they have exclusive rights to this parent. Dealing with young children still at home, requires an added set of challenges.

* Do listen carefully to what your child is, and is not saying.
* Do be sensitive about the messages that you are giving your children about this new person in your life.
* Don’t have someone spend the night until they are special in your life, so that your child doesn’t feel the emotional confusion of a thread of overnight guests.
* Do continue to impart important values to your child, reinforcing that love is special. Remember your behavior as a role model for your children.
* Do understand that someone new entering your life is confusing for your child and may come along with resentments needing to be understood and dealt with.
* Do be aware that the children are smart and can resent a new “mother,” even if she is not posed as such. Grieving adults are entitled to happiness. Yet the grieving family members may experience confusion, conflict and rage. “I want mom back.” “I never wanted her to leave.” I want you (as my parent) not to be alone….but I’m not ready for this. Sometimes, it can’t be spoken but felt. Keeping the channels of communication open for discussion, dialogue and sharing of experiences requires listening, and not necessarily agreeing. Each party needs to be heard and wants to be understood. Joy is to be treasured but the challenge lies in working it out in a way that is respectful to all family members.
If and when you decide to start dating again, you need to understand that it is possible to be happy in a new relationship even though you are still having thoughts and feelings for your deceased spouse. Expect the relationship to be different. Your relationship with your spouse was unique. It cannot be replicated. Open yourself to the uniqueness of the new person in your life.

The intention should not be to go and look for love after loss but to seek to bring yourself back to life and while doing that, love could touch you again.

Seek help when in need, visit a Counsellor near you!