As mummy was scrubbing her six-year-old daughter’s back, teaching her how to hold the face towel so as to scrub the back properly and thoroughly, mummy was caught unaware when the little girl said, “mummy why am I black, you and big sister are not so dark and in my school, only five girls are dark, I wish I was lighter.” Mummy then remembered the time her second born as a little girl had complained on how everybody addressed mummy as ba-maake Moono without ever saying, ba-maake Musheke. Mummy also remembered the time her little princess once asked what it meant to look sexy.
Some conversations as parents are dictated by the children themselves. It started with convincing the little princess that she didn’t need the sunscreen like her friends with light skin at school. So, mummy after dressing up the princess asked her to bring forth her box of crayons. Mummy asked the princess how she would feel if she only had one colour in her set of crayons. She further explained that God saw it fit to make all shades of colours and that most importantly, her skin is not black but brown and everyone in the house had a different shade of brown which made everyone beautiful in their own way. The conversation ended with the little princess saying, well mummy, “Dad has the darkest shade of brown in our house,” yes daddy even got away moving without his papers in South Sudan as he blended in with the locals.
Some conversations are important to be held with our children and sometimes the children themselves decide for us when to have these conversations. Lately, there was a video of two young school pupils kissing on social media, clearly one could see they recorded themselves and a teacher in a class could be heard in the background. Instead of blaming the parents and saying those two pupils are uncultured, let us bring the two to realise that kissing is not meant for pupils and that getting a phone to record themselves in acts which they cannot do in front of their parents or guardians is a no. Things posted on the internet can never be erased and there are serious consequences which can affect their future especially to the girl child in the African set up, as the internet never forgets. A few likes on social media can come to haunt you for the rest of your life.
As parents or guardians, it is important to be proactive in safeguarding our children’s mental health while allowing them to enjoy or use social media responsibly by maintaining an open line of communication with your child and encouraging them to share their social experiences, concerns, and any negative emotions they may be experiencing. Most importantly, set reasonable limits on screen time and not forgetting to teach them about online safety, including the importance of not sharing personal information, dealing with cyberbullying, and reporting inappropriate content. Parents are encouraged to spend time co-viewing online content with your child. This allows you to stay informed about their online activities and discuss any concerns together. Staying informed about online trends and challenges can help you guide your child through potential risks and opportunities. All people, the youth and the old, must know that social media is a highlight reel and not a documentary. It is just a collection of polished moments and never shows the full story. People must not measure someone’s life based on posts seen on social media as other living chapters of lives will never be shown on social media, you are only shown the good polished side.
Talking to children is very important, don’t leave it to “Teacher Siame” as he might not be a biology teacher and can leave out the vital information. In this modern era, we do not need to wait for an auntie or uncle to come forth or leave the sexuality lessons to the school. Children are our friends and as uncomfortable as it may be, we need these conversations.
Many parents dread the age that their child is old enough that they “need” to have a talk about sex. A lot of parents are completely confused about what information is age appropriate and when exactly these conversations should even start. Most importantly, remember that children and teens want a safe place to ask questions and get legitimate information. If they are not able to get the correct information from a parent, often times they will seek out information from peers, which often lacks in validity. Remember it may be up to you to bring up the subject. If left up to them, they may never ask.
As Africans, we usually have names for body parts such as doyo or dogodo but we must use anatomically correct names for all body parts when speaking to teenagers for their genitals, such as penis, vulva/anus, vagina, testicles. Just as it is important for them to know what their elbow is, it is important for them to understand the importance of the subject when they hear the correct term. This is also the time that you begin talking about the anatomical differences between female and male, and discuss pregnancy. Encourage your child(ren) to take claim over their own body (doing this lays the ground work for discussing consent at a later time. They must know that no one must force them to have sex or give into sex to prove anything. They must be made to understand that sex is for married people.
Continue to talk about the different effects that puberty can have on their body (pubic hair, menstruation, growth spurts, breast, acne, body odor, etc.) and introduce roll-on for those who need it and how to shave their pubic areas. When initiating hard conversations such as sex talk, finding a good location is vital, a place where the two of you do not have to make eye contact during the discussion. You can be in the garden, taking a drive to the mall, baking or simply feeding chickens, just be busy enough to avoid eye contact but encourage talking.
Be sure to also discuss the difference between loving someone and lusting someone, both of which are normal. Make them understand that butterfly feelings are normal and just because someone makes you feel that way does not mean it’s love. Those butterfly feelings are felt by all in love and even when they become grandparents, they can still feel the butterfly effect and it doesn’t necessarily come from an opposite sex. Reassure them that you are available when they need you or have questions. For most girls, they might experience fungal infections from shared bathrooms and this must be explained to them. Most of us African parents are still too uncomfortable having such discussions with our children and it’s absolutely normal because of how we grew up with our parents never having sexual or sensitive discussions with us. If we are in that bracket, let’s ensure we find close uncles and aunties who can do this task for us but it’s in our best interest and those of our children if we led the conversation ourselves as parents unlike leaving the task to the uncle or auntie. After all, the Gen-Z and Digital native kids are addressing parents as “you guys” so let’s set the ball rolling by being capable of discussing sexual education with our children, remembering that if you don’t teach them correctly, the internet will or their friends will give them wrong data such as a young boy thinking doing it once whilst standing is not enough to make a girl pregnant or washing immediately with soap cures all infections. And if your child is in college or university, talk about safe sex.
When preparing to talk about drugs and alcohol, this is entirely different from the sexual talk and requires a slightly different approach. Your child is likely to ask whether you have used drugs. You don’t need to tell them about your experiences with drugs (good or bad). However, if you decide to share, consider how much detail you want to give, if your story will be helpful and how you will respond to any questions.
Be consistent with your messaging, you cannot be discouraging your children from indulging in alcohol but you as a parent walk in staggering every weekend intoxicated by alcohol.
It is not just important to teach your child the risks and harms associated with drug and alcohol use but also to teach them on addictive vices such as betting which is being marketed as an easy way of making money. Discuss the harms realistically without exaggerating, and always consider what is age-appropriate information for your child. You can start the conversation with some basic information that explain where drugs come from (such as cannabis or tobacco) or that they are manufactured (such as ecstasy and ice). Let your child know that drugs affect how we feel, think, and behave and that they are addictive, very harmful to our health and can lead to death.
No one must cheat our children that they need drugs to be intelligent at school, therefore, as parents/guardians, be the main source of information to your children as you are seen and considered a credible source of knowledge.
Seek help when in need, visit a Counsellor near you!
