Dear Aka-Monde,
I read with keen interest on financial enabling and realized enabling is a big issue in marriages as well. What starts as an act of love and submission turns ugly when the man starts seeing the wife as an equal provider. Some men become so complacent; they don’t step up when the wife is helping. And for fear of ridicule, wives take up the role of main provider and give credit to the husband. Some women gift themselves cars and houses and pretend it’s the man. In the end, as women, we are stressed and cannot pretend anymore, at this point, the man can’t understand where the problem is, ndiye ma office romance on the rise just to take away the stress that we have enabled in our homes.
Winnie

Dear Winnie,
Enabling behaviour usually begins as a well-intentioned response to a loved one’s struggles. A wife stepping in to buy Zesco units because the man doesn’t have the money, a wife buying groceries so that the children do not sleep on empty tummies. A wife buying fuel because the car needs to move to take children to school. A wife going ahead to make contributions on behalf of the household at church as families are expected to contribute. A wife contributing to the family fund for a wedding or funeral to save face because the man has refused to contribute. All these examples are for a good cause. Hope, alongside guilt, fear, and love, can be a key motivator for enabling behaviour. So where does it all go wrong? Covering up your partner’s mistakes, making excuses, or taking on their responsibilities when they’re having a hard time might seem like a sign of loyalty and supportive partnership. However, there’s a delicate balance between being supportive of your partner and unconsciously enabling negative and harmful actions.

Sometimes love makes us do things we don’t even notice—like covering up mistakes, brushing off bad habits, or saying “it’s fine” when it really isn’t. These small patterns can quietly grow into something bigger, something that keeps both people stuck.

Let’s begin by taking a look at the true meaning of “enabler,” as it’s crucial to unpacking the dynamics of a relationship where one individual is enabling another. Being an enabler means continuously and repeatedly letting your partner off the hook while covering up their mistakes, providing financial support for destructive habits to avoid conflicts, or taking on excessive responsibilities.

The enabler usually becomes increasingly stressed, frustrated, and even develops feelings of resentment, while the enabled individual might not learn to face the consequences of their behaviour and remain stuck in a cycle of dependency.

All types or styles of enabling stem from compassion and care, yet unconsciously perpetuating harmful behaviours. There are four primary patterns or styles of enabling behaviours:
• Caretaking. This involves taking on a nurturing role in a relationship and doing one’s best to meet the needs of the enabled person. In this case, enablers believe that by providing consistent care they can keep their partner/loved one from harm. In caretaking, you consistently put your partners needs first and this often leads to exhaustion. You cannot say no and give in to acts which jeopardize one’s health such as anal sex for fear that someone else will give it if you do not.
• Protective. Protective enablers act as shields, preventing their loved ones from facing the consequences of their actions. They often step in to spare them from discomfort or adversity, even if it means covering up mistakes or unlawful behaviour. A partner bashes a vehicle due to driving whilst drunk but you go ahead and let him use your car because you don’t want him to stay without a car, how will society look at you as a couple if the man has no car.
• Rescuing. Rescuing enablers rush to the rescue whenever problems arise. They have a strong desire to prevent others from experiencing hardship or failure, so they intervene regularly. For example, always bailing out a partner who keeps on getting into trouble with debtors.
• Over-compensating; Enablers who overcompensate tend to take on excessive responsibilities and tasks supposed to belong to the person they’re supporting. They feel compelled to make up for the other persons shortcomings, sometimes to the detriment of their own well-being. Taking on so many loans as a wife not knowing where the money goes and on top of it, getting salary advances one after another to give a spouse who always says the deal went bad. If a partner regularly misses family events due to drinking, the enabler might show up alone, smiling and making excuses to maintain appearances.

You might be wondering if you are an enabler in your relationship. It starts with denial; the enabler usually downplays or overlooks the harmful actions or behaviours of their loved one. They might tell themselves that it’s not as bad as it seems or that it’s just a temporary phase.

As enabling progresses, compliance becomes more evident. The enabler begins to actively support or accommodate their partner’s negative behaviours. They usually do this driven by desire to avoid conflict in the relationship.
In the control stage, the enabler begins managing the consequences of their partner’s actions. They try to keep managing the situation, often by covering up mistakes or stepping in to resolve problems caused by their partner’s behaviour.

Finally, the consequences of enabling behaviour becomes most apparent. The enabler is frequently in a state of constant stress and turmoil, trying to deal with a series of crises resulting from the continued negative actions of their loved one. It’s often at this point that they might realize the damaging impact of their enabling actions. And if not careful, may find solace in the wrong hands.

Over time, being an enabler in a relationship can cause someone to lose sight of who they are. Their choices, priorities, and even self-worth may revolve entirely around keeping their partner comfortable, leaving them drained and disconnected from themselves. Someone might stop pursuing hobbies, friendships, or personal goals because all their energy goes into managing their partner’s life and problems.

Sometimes, an enabler in a relationship feels a deep sense of purpose when their partner relies on them. Stepping in to rescue, fix, or protect makes them feel important and valued. If someone grew up in a household where enabling was common, like covering for a parent’s unhealthy behaviour, they may repeat the same patterns in adulthood.
Being an enabler in a relationship often stems from believing your worth depends on keeping others happy. When self-esteem is shaky, people may tolerate bad behaviour just to feel loved or accepted. This mindset can trap them in one-sided dynamics, where their own needs are constantly overlooked.

Many people mistake enabling as a form of love. They believe that sacrificing their well-being proves their loyalty and care. But love without boundaries can quickly become unhealthy, draining both partners. Learning how to stop being an enabler in a relationship means understanding that true love includes honesty and balance.

If you recognize that you’ve been enabling someone in a relationship, taking proactive steps is important to break free from this harmful pattern by establishing clear boundaries. Be clear about what you will and won’t tolerate, and communicate these boundaries with your loved one.

Resist the urge to rescue or fix the person’s problems. Allow them to face the consequences of their actions and learn from their mistakes. When you feel the urge to “fix” something, pause and ask yourself, “Is this my responsibility, or theirs?” Encourage the person to take responsibility for their behaviour and hold them accountable for their actions. This may mean refusing to cover up for them or bail them out of trouble.

Being an enabler in a relationship often comes from silence or avoiding tough conversations. Speaking openly allows your partner to see how their actions affect you and helps shift the dynamic toward honesty and respect.

Shifting your attention from “fixing” your partner to building your own growth creates balance. Investing in hobbies, career goals, or personal development restores confidence and reduces the urge to over-function in the relationship. Pick one small personal goal like learning a skill or revisiting an old hobby, join a gym, weight loss group, dance class, baking or sewing class, to remind yourself that your identity is more than caregiving.

The good news is that change is always possible. By setting boundaries, encouraging accountability, and focusing on self-care, you can shift from enabling to truly supporting—building a healthier, more balanced connection rooted in respect and love.

Seek help when in need, visit a Counsellor near you!