I always thought I would try hard to be different from my father because growing up, mum always made reference to the fact that even as a girl, I was more like daddy. But as I get older, I recognize more and more of my father in myself, a lot of stubbornness but full of kindness.

He raised many children, kept so many uncountable dependants, was always home on time, told us folk stories whenever we had power cuts in the evenings which were mainly in the rainy season. His stories about his youth and hunting days, his long walks to school, his life in Japan and the cultural shock.

He died twelve years ago on 12th July 2013. It took many years to stop shedding tears at his memory. At some point, my spouse didn’t understand why I kept a picture of my dad in our house, well I still do. And whenever someone moves it from its original location, I notice and raise some noise.

My father loved dogs and there was never a time growing up that we didn’t have dogs around and I also keep dogs and they are a part of my family. He loved gardening and weeding his lawn, I love my garden too but weeding the grass is questionable. Dad spoke multiple languages and I understand all Zambian languages, I know I picked that from him. Dad was a disciplinarian, who made my kid sister come up with a phrase, “mbafa ibaba kuchila mukwapu,” this was in reference to the times someone did a wrong and he would say, bring me a mbafa “whip from the mulberry tree.” And every morning, he faithfully, picked up the shovel and went round the yard removing dog poo. And on days he missed a specific delicacy, he came home with a plastic bag with either liver, kidneys or buka fish. I hope my roomie now understands why I emphasise that if he misses something, he needs to go out there, buy it and bring it home and we shall do the needful on the stove. And yes, there’s my reason for loving Buka fish.

Dad was strict with whom I could play or hang out with in my neighbourhood and yet most of my friends preferred him than mum. What they didn’t know was that the jovial man who would joke with them was a no-nonsense man who was constantly scrutinizing them. I never attended a leavers ball, because he never allowed it. My own kids know I do not tolerate sleepovers because my father never did. Funny how as a man, he still knew my clothes and coming home with even a coat or sweater that wasn’t mine would warrant something equivalent to a “concourt seating.”

Growing up, every child looks up to their father as a role model and yearns to be like them from their earliest years. It does not matter what job you do but your child will want to be like you. Sons will watch how they work, speak and play sports. Daughters will often choose spouses who reflect their father’s values. Every conversation and interaction that your child witnesses may become part of what they try to imitate. Make sure your life embodies the traits and ideals that you want your children to reflect. This is why it is important as a father, to watch every action you do in your home, if you believe coming home past midnight is the correct thing to do and you do it, your children will be getting home at that very time in their own homes. If you hit your wife, your sons will equally do the same and if you womanise and are constantly fighting in the home, this is exactly how your children will live in their own homes as adults. If you are a father who insults, be rest assured you are raising an army of future adults who will be hurling insults.

Children need their fathers to listen to them. When you stop what you are doing to give your child attention, he knows that you not only love him but are interested in his life. Fathers who can listen without immediately concluding but giving a listening ear and creating crucial space for their children’s feelings, teach their kids that it’s okay to feel angry or sad or defeated, and that they won’t be judged for their failures. If a child is not doing so well at school, instead of just scolding, find time to listen why they are failing or what struggles they are facing in school. Sometimes a child does not want to go to school because of bullying or struggling with reading or understanding in class and you can only know this if you give your child a listening ear.

The most comforting words a child can hear are: “It’s going to be okay.” Those words spoken from a father mean everything because Daddy knows how to fix your bike, how to catch the huge spider in the bathroom, kill the snake in the garage, trap the rat in the ceiling board or kill the big coach roach. Fathers can give their children hope and courage and strength. Sometimes it only takes those five words: it’s going to be okay.

Fathers can see what makes their children shine and what brings them down. They can help them choose the right friends, the right classes, the right spouses by giving honest advice. But what the best fathers are able to do is put aside their own interests and help their kids choose what will make them happiest, even if it conflicts with their own goals. This is a delicate tight rope that fathers must walk, but children yearn for their father’s approval and helping a child choose what is best for him is a precious blessing that a father can give. Learning together creates a strong, deep bond between fathers and children as they share and explore questions and answers about life itself.
And to those fathers who do school runs, mind how you show road rage as the kids are watching you. As the saying goes, charity begins at home so the kids are learning and these are the adults we come across so rude in public spaces you wonder what sort of upbringing they had.

Children will only know that even fathers have weaknesses but this is something they will know as adults. As children, all they can see is the masculinity of their daddy, use it positively to mould children’s approach to life and while you do that, do not forget to train them how to handle money. Teach them the art of savings so that as adults, they will understand that income minus savings is what gives one expenses.

The way a father handles a relationship reflects in a child’s adult life. If you treat their mother right, they will also treat women right. Most men treat their wives how they saw their dad treat their mother. If there was no hug, hand hugging, its most unlikely that a woman will expect that treatment from her husband or a man will show that affection to his wife. And while we teach affection to our children, add integrity to life’s lessons.

Fathers must teach their children how to provide for their own family. If as a father, you are ever bothering a sister who is abroad or doing so much better through phone calls in the presence of your children, they will grow up believing that’s the way to live and will be asking for handouts as adults. Its a fathers responsibility to teach the importance of diligence and hard work.

Then there are the larger lessons of right from wrong. The value of education. The value of doing the right thing by other people. The importance of faith. The role of hopes and dreams. The dignity of people.

It’s a father’s job to give heritage to the children. Teach them their history, where they come from and to teach them your language. The scriptures tell us if we show children the right way to go, they won’t turn from it. Do that during those informative years and you are pouring in good morals and values.

Of course, good parenting provides no guarantee our children will turn out right, but we will have done our honest part in the circle of life.

In memory of Aka Tate – Mr. D.L. Mungela.

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]