Friendships have psychological benefits which cannot be overlooked. Stable, healthy relationships are important for our well-being and lifelong. Mutinta had known Tamara since her primary school days, she could not even remember how their friendship blossomed, but she remembers that Tamara had always been her friend since childhood. She also had a friend by the name of Martha, whom she vividly remembers came into her life in grade four and they lived in the same neighborhood. The ladies were now past their 40’s and had maintained their friendship, well, sort of.

Mutinta’s children did not even know that auntie Martha and auntie Tamara are not blood related to their mum. They believed these were mummy’s sisters and that’s how Mutinta preferred it. Her two friends were basically her sisters that God forgot to give her. They didn’t go to the same high school, neither did they proceed to the same college, but they still kept in touch, knew each other’s little secrets and kept their circle of friendship intact. Along the way, Mutinta noticed that Tamara as they grew had a love for good finer things, so the kind of friends she made in high school and college were rich girls. She always wanted to be in the popular groups and pretend she was rich as well. As for Martha, her humility never changed.

Tamara somewhere drifted apart from her friends and would only surface when things were hard for her. When she needed a shoulder to cry on especially after a heartbreak, then she came back to her old friends especially to Mutinta. As soon as Mutinta saw Tamara’s call, she knew that something was up. Either she needed to borrow something, or a man had hurt her feelings. Mutinta never complained as her nature was that of a listener and thought maybe that’s what God wanted her to be, a listening ear to her friends. But as time progressed, she realized she was being used. When things were okay with Tamara, she never heard from her. If Tamara had functions to attend, she chose her rich friends to go with. When Tamara’s kids had birthday parties, Mutinta or Martha’s children were never invited. Basically, Tamara only turned to her old friends when the road was rough.

Peter and Victor had been friends as far as they could remember. From their early childhood at church and even up to their college days. They were there for each other as best men on their weddings and their wives were even friends. It was more of a brotherhood than friendship. Things begun to change when Victor was appointed to a high government position. It started with a change in phone numbers which was obviously expected and later he moved to a prestigious neighborhood in Kabulonga. Soon, Victor changed congregations and moved to a church near his home. To Peter, this was normal, he had always believed that spending too much time on the road to go to church was not a good thing but going to the nearest congregation was ideal but Peter’s wife could sense something was not ok. She wondered why Victor and his wife had not communicated on their new lines nor bothered to invite them to their housewarming party, a custom they always did in their 20 year old friendship.

You can be friends with people for years and it can take years for you to realise they were never your friend.
Depending on where you are standing, you need to realise that when life favours you, remember who your friends were in the not so unfavourable days. Most times, people are friendly to the office you hold and not you. You find that as soon as you are promoted, everybody in management all of a sudden cares and gives you presents on your birthday, ask yourself, were they giving you presents before you went to that high office? No. They are gifting the office and not you. Even the last person who held that office was showered with gifts and love and as soon as they left, either by retirement or non-renewal or simply kicked out, all the favours stopped.

Friendships are important in that, people who have confidants are more satisfied with their lives and less likely to suffer from depression. Medical research shows women have less depression due to their nature of sharing problems and concerns with others. This also makes women less likely to die from causes of heart problems and a range of chronic diseases. On the other hand, people with low social connections usually die of pre-mature deaths.
Friendships can be made at any age; you can find that you start a new job at 40 and instantly connect with someone who becomes closer than people you have known all your life. Friends provide social support, companionship and protect us against mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. When we face challenges, having a close friend to turn to and to give us a listening ear, protects us against negative outcomes by changing the way we respond to stress.

Sometimes we see friendship and romance as separate entities but the two have more in common. A romance cannot build up without friendship and sometimes a spouse will wonder why their partner cheated on them when they chose to stop being friends. Most men give an excuse of saying politicians stop campaigns after elections, now a relationship is not a campaign, you need to keep the friendship with your wife even after saying I do. It is likely that your spouse fell in love with you because of the friendship, attention and companionship you showed them. But if you choose to become a robot in the home by just providing finances and sex, then you are losing your spouse. Women are more interested in companionship more than anything. When we begin to view behaviours that create intimacy such as buying gifts, taking someone out on a movie or coffee date as stuff for people who are dating, we are killing our relationship. Romantic relationships may be more fulfilling if the friendship part was maintained.

To people who are looking after their elderly parents, allow your parents to visit their elderly friends who might be at church or other elderly relatives by providing transportation. This is important for their mental well-being.
True friendships include empathy, selflessness and trustworthiness. A true friend will not only want to buy beers for you but bail you out when you are stuck with financial challenges, a true friend will not only think of you as a money machine but genuinely care for your wellbeing. A true friend even when appointed as a high office will still keep in touch with you.

Some relationships are pre-made, God-given, such as siblings while others are formed because of emotional attachments. Without friends, life is tasteless. A true friend accepts you as you are and brings out the best in you. A true friend is respectful and knows their boundary. A true friend shares humour with you and is non-judgmental and is an active listener. A true friend will always be there for you to count on and sticks by you through thick and thin.

As adults we can clearly tell who our true friends are so let’s not force matters when people seem uninterested in us but get closer to those who genuinely want and appreciate our friendship. As they saying goes, a friend in need is a friend indeed.

Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

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