MY only piece of advice to you Dr Christine Kaseba is, don’t you dare invite Chishimba Kambwili to your running mate party because right now he is choking with envy and shame.

In fact, don’t even tell them that my President is eying you, so that desperate men like Honourable Lubinda who has been Given a sucker punch bellow the belt can come to you for help.

Fellow voters, in case you are wondering what heart breaking news happened over the weekend:

President LUNGU: “Those of you who want to be my running mate, you must be a woman. If you are not a woman and I am President, you have no chance.”

So my point is, if Nevers Mumba wants you, Dr Kaseba, to perform a transgender on him, make sure he is transformed into such an ugly woman that my President can’t consider him for a girlfriend or appoint as running mate.

Once you do that Dr Kaseba, you will remain with only one threat in Mumbi Phiri, but don’t underrate Edith Nawakwi.

Don’t be fooled with Nawakwi’s declaration that she can never be anyone’s running mate, if her tummy’s rumbling accelerates, she will get the running mate offer – remember what she used to say about your husband in 2012, and how a week later she accepted an air ticket to Brazil on a Presidential trip?
A rumbling belly always changes the way to see and understand things, for example:

Daniel MUNKOMBWE: “Swallow your pride as opposition leaders or it will be very difficult to remove President Lungu from office. Jesus Christ in John 14:2 says: ‘In my father’s house are many rooms; I will go to prepare a place for you.’ So whoever wins from the opposition alliance will take care of the others.” Pwekekekeke! Old Munkombwe, I know you hate dying so please stop misinterpreting the Bible, otherwise you will go to hell.

Anyway, in Dora Siliya’s language they say, kupa ukupa okupako (giving you give those who give you some). So let my President give the running mate to those who give him love because that’s what he believes in.

President LUNGU: “If you give people violence and hate, you will get back violence and hate. That’s what the teachings tell us. Me, if they give me love, I will give them love in return. So the more love I give to the people, the more love they give me.”

But in so saying Dr Kaseba, don’t lose sleep over Dora. Stupid people may accuse her of using back power to get to the top, but she is my President’s sister and she poses no threat to you in any way – moreover, my President is not looking for someone to get on top of him, he wants a running mate who will be below him.

I insist that you should forget my President’s sister, but watch his sister-in-law who fancies his slim-fit potbelly.
President LUNGU: “My dear sister-in-law, who has been reported to be my girlfriend Mumbi Phiri. Mumbi Phiri is my partner. We go to campaign together; we work together. I knew her a long time ago as a little girl. If I wanted to propose love or marriage to her, I would have done so. But now I hear stories that Lungu and Mumbi Phiri are hitting out, wow! My dear sister, don’t be put off, ndimwe bamulamu imwe.”

Well, there you go Dr Kaseba, my President has also heard the accusations that he is hitting it out with his mulamu, but he is still trying to figure out how to defend himself since he knows that mulamu ni ndiyo.

That’s it for today

Twitter: @jmwenda29
[email protected]