A friend posed a question during the week on regrets in life and it made me self-introspect. Sometimes, it’s difficult to share with others what our regrets are as they can be embarrassing. I asked my mother if she had regrets in life and she told me that she regretted listening to my late father’s advice when he discouraged her from furthering her education. Knowing how much dad valued education, it was difficult to comprehend that my dad stopped mum from furthering her studies, anyway he had his reasons and can’t defend himself.
Everyone has dealt with regret at some point in life as we all struggle with hard decisions and choices. Sometimes the decisions we make seem right and sometimes we spend the next few years regretting it. Most people regret their choices in spouses but they quickly remember that those spouses have given them perfect children so they brush off the negative thoughts of anger and emptiness.

Psychologists say there are three types of self that we regret about; the actual self, the ought self and the ideal self. Our actual self is about the traits and abilities we think we possess, it’s who we think we are.

Meanwhile, the ought self is about the traits and abilities we think we should possess, who we think we should be and the ideal self is about the traits, abilities and accomplishments we would like to possess, our goals, hopes and dreams.

Initially, regrets are universal, even the best of people make mistakes. Regrets don’t make us happy but always remind us that as humans, we have the power of choice. Some regrets that people experience are not saving for retirement and neglecting self-care. Others regret not acting kindly to subordinates in their days when they were supervisors, and this happens when their own children start facing hardships at workplaces and they recall how they personally treated others and think karma is after them as they begin to regret, while others regret when their spouse cheats on them and they recall the years they spent doing the same thing to someone else.

Regret and guilt may be two sides of the same coin although they give different emotions. Regret makes one wish for a do-over. It makes you wonder how different things would have been had you made a different decision. If you had married your first love, how different would your life be? If you had gone ahead and joined the military, would you be a General by now? If you had gone to nursing school, would you be happier with your life? If you hadn’t aborted that pregnancy, what would your child look like? If you hadn’t fallen pregnant and dropped out of school, would you still be struggling financially? If you hadn’t lived a careless life, would you still be struggling with health complications? If you had listened to your wife and hadn’t gone drinking that night, maybe the accident that left you paralysed wouldn’t have happened? If you had paid more attention to school, your life would be different now. If you had resisted the peer pressure to start abusing substances, life would surely be productive. If you hadn’t wasted your earnings on young girls in clubs, if you hadn’t cheated on her maybe she would still be your woman and if you had been too soft or too tough on the children, maybe they wouldn’t have turned out to be junkies and the list is endless.

On the other hand, overcoming guilt requires taking responsibility, seeking forgiveness and making amends. It’s about changing how we make decisions in the future to avoid making mistakes. Being self-critical comes naturally after a life of regret but we also need to be kind to ourselves. Most women have romance regrets while men dwell more on work regrets. Most people regret actions not taken more than the actions they took. For instance, a job offered to you that you don’t take up because it pays less can leave you with a life of regret as you remain in the high paying job that doesn’t bring fulfilment or self-actualisation.

Further, addressing regret is important as it not only becomes a bitter pill to swallow but can work as a motivator for positive change. The introspection journey requires one to explore their decisions, emotions and aspirations. Acknowledge and accept that you may not have made the best decision at the time but you can’t tell if any other decision would have given you better results. It’s okay to chase one’s dreams for yourself but not for society’s sake. And it’s never too late to pursue old and new dreams.

Treat yourself with kindness and not contempt. Don’t be too harsh on yourself by keeping a grudge against you. Learn and forgive yourself and develop high self-esteem, resilience and better self-management. By transforming regret into a learning experience, we are moving towards self-forgiveness, healing and this reduces stress.

In the same vein, consider changes you could make in your current situation to move closer to where you would want to be. This means taking actions and making amends. And if there are some people to forgive along the way, forgive them and that could include yourself. Ask for forgiveness too, to those you feel wronged and those who feel they deserve an apology from you. You lose nothing by apologising but have more to gain.

We build resilience by understanding patterns of events and managing them. Regretting missed opportunities tends to grow over time and when you realise that, it can assist you seize opportunities whenever they come your way.

It’s also important to invest in your health by nurturing connections and setting goals for a positive future and prevent future regrets by allowing yourself to bounce back by learning from previous mistakes. Resilience is about adapting to challenges that life throws at us and we should not allow ourselves to feel like failures. Instead, learn from the mistake and try again this time thinking more on what our results are likely to be if you make a specific decision. We grow by learning from our mistakes.

And building resistance to future regrets can only be strengthened when we get into the habit of looking at the advantages and disadvantages of our decisions and accepting the consequences thereafter. Self-acceptance allows us to forgive our mistakes and break the cycle of negative thoughts. It’s important for us to prioritise living authentically by making decisions that align with our values.

When regret causes you depression or anxiety, when it makes you cry and fail to function normally in your daily life, when it takes you into deep thought, you need to tackle the underlying issues that contribute to your regret. Understand that we all make mistakes as humans but what is important is learning from our mistakes to make better decisions for the future.