Dear Aka-Monde;

Am I wrong to make such demands?
Winnie

Dear Winnie,

Intentions are important in life as they provide direction, purpose and motivation for our actions, helping us stay focused and aligned with our goals. They act as a roadmap, guiding our decisions and choices and ultimately shaping the course of our lives. 

Dating with intention involves being thoughtful about your goals, values and behaviours throughout the dating process. It means knowing what you want, being clear in communication, and making choices that align with your values​.
When you date with purpose and stay true to your goals and values, you increase your chances of finding a satisfying long-term relationship. Dating with intention is about quality connections, not playing games or rushing to just get married or having children.

It may require patience, resilience, and honesty but the outcome can be a partnership where both individuals feel understood, loved and can plan a future together.

A general rule for intentional dating is to focus on quality connections rather than the number of dates and to be selective about whom you invest time in. It’s better to have a few meaningful interactions than dozens of superficial ones. Don’t date just for the sake of it or out of boredom.

Before agreeing to a date, consider whether this person has the traits or values you’re looking for. This might mean saying no to dates that you sense aren’t a good fit. By being mindful and selective, you conserve your emotional energy for people who have real potential to become a long-term partner​.

When you decide to be dating intentionally, you need to ensure you are emotionally ready. This can only be possible when you have healed from your past relationships and are at point where you understand and know your own needs.

Engage in self-reflection to identify lessons from past relationships, clarify your personal values and evaluate your emotional readiness for a new relationship.​ What was it in the past relationship that was a red flag which is also appearing in the new relationship? What is it that you want in this relationship? Does this new partner meet your criteria? Are you seeking a serious relationship?

Having well-defined relationship goals helps you stay focused and avoid going on dates just because you are lonely. Know your worth and don’t compromise on what really matters to you. If your idea of a good partner, is not one who spends all weekend in a pub and this new guy when he takes you to a club, everyone is greeting him like he is a shareholder of the club, from the guard at the entrance to all other patrons, clearly that’s a sign for you to re-evaluate.

Increase your chances of finding like-minded partners by being intentional about where and how you meet people. For example, if you want a Christian, go to events that Christians attend. If you want someone who is into a particular sport, attend those kinds of sports, for instance, join a golf team or attend art galleries or social gatherings that reflect your interests and values. Food markets or networking events are advertised all the time and you can intentionally attend those. Take advantage of work seminars and network by introducing yourself to people unlike just hanging around the stuff from your work place that you travelled with (be on the look-out for marriage band – ring). This way, you’re more likely to encounter individuals who already have common ground with you.

Friends and family can also be beneficial, open up to them and let them know what kind of a person you are looking for. Maybe they can introduce you to someone compatible in their circle.

If traditional methods aren’t yielding results, consider professional matchmaking services focused on compatibility, its worth noting that some people have been lucky that these have worked out for them.

The whole idea is to seek partners in environments that naturally align with your life.

Don’t hide or change your personality to impress someone. Authenticity is crucial for a lasting relationship because it lets you connect on a deeper level​. Share your true interests and values – whether it’s your love of chikanda, roasted maize by the roadside, michopo, vitumbuwa, cartoons, zambezi magic or zeeworld movies, so your date knows the real you.

Real authenticity sometimes means allowing yourself to be a bit vulnerable but make sure you share your true feelings and experiences at a pace you’re comfortable with. Being intentional means being genuinely open to love – which requires vulnerability.

If you notice someone is closed off, sending mixed signals, or still entangled in past attachments, that could hinder an intentional relationship. Clear communication is vital when dating with intention. Be upfront about your intentions and expectations from the beginning. This doesn’t mean unloading all your plans on the first date, but do state what you’re looking for early on (e.g. I am looking for an honest committed relationship).

Openly expressing your intentions helps ensure both people are on the same page and prevents misunderstandings down the line. It also invites your date to share their intentions. Encourage your potential partner to share their goals and expectations as well. Intentional dating means both people are aware of each other’s hopes and deal-breakers. Talk about what you are comfortable or not comfortable with in dating.

For instance, you might communicate your boundaries around physical intimacy (like wanting to take things slow), time (how much space vs. togetherness you need).

Words are important, but so are actions. Pay attention to whether a potential partner’s behavior aligns with their stated intentions and values. Someone truly compatible will be consistent in how they treat you and follow through on what they say.

Early on, notice things like:
• Do they respect your boundaries?
• Are they reliable (e.g., keep plans, communicate in a timely manner)?
• How do they handle disagreements or stress?

If your new partner constantly forgets to call when they promised or cancels plans last minute, that could signal reliability issues and may indicate they’re not a good long-term prospect.

As the relationship progresses, continue communicating about your evolving goals and feelings. People and circumstances can change; maybe your career plans shift or you develop new priorities.

Instead of assuming you remain aligned, check in with each other. It can be informal (“How are you feeling about where we’re headed?”) but keeping open communication ensures you stay intentional together. If one person’s goals change, discuss how to handle it.

If intentions change, communicating those changes keeps the relationship healthy and allows both partners to adjust​. This avoids situations where you date for years and after breaking up, someone meets someone new and within a few months, sets a wedding date and marries, leaving the old partner in shock.

Intentional dating isn’t a one-time conversation; it’s a continuous process of making sure both partners are heading in the same direction with mutual understanding.

Pushing a relationship to progress too quickly can also be a recipe for disaster. Rushing into intense commitment or emotional intimacy by treating someone as your soulmate on the second date, or making huge life moves very soon can backfire. It may overwhelm the other person or cloud your judgment. It’s important to let a relationship develop at a healthy pace.

You need time to truly get to know each other in various situations. Being intentional is not the same as being in a hurry – it’s about being purposeful, which also means being patient.

If you move too fast, you might miss red flags or create pressure that harms an otherwise good connection. Take things slowly and allow the relationship to unfold.

Building a meaningful relationship takes time and effort, so enjoy the process of getting to know someone and trust that if it’s meant to be, it won’t disappear overnight​.

In practical terms: maybe hold off on making major life changes of getting engaged until you’ve had sufficient time and experience together to justify those steps. Avoiding the rush gives you space to ensure the relationship truly has a solid foundation.

Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all formula for relationships, so don’t force yourself to behave in ways that feel unnatural or false just because “you’re supposed to.” Focus on what truly matters. Avoid dismissing potential great partners over artificial issues or minor differences that don’t truly affect long-term compatibility. And while maintaining standards is important, don’t forget to enjoy the experience.

If you treat dating solely as a mission or job interview, you’ll miss the natural bonding and fun that help build genuine connections, don’t forget to enjoy the dating days where a simple text warms you and a voice call leaves you feeling like you are sitting on top of the moon.

Seek help when in need, visit a Counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]