Sishemo’s phone wouldn’t stop ringing, the clients, internal staff and the pile of letters she needed to respond to. The correspondence she needed to dispatch and the emails kept coming in, the reception kept bringing in clients making follow ups on their submissions; it was one of those days the “Monday is Mondaying.” The temptation to start her day on coffee was extremely high but this was a week of no coffee, she had decided to challenge herself to a week of no caffeine and she was determined to stick to it. Her fear was that her working place was turning her into a coffee addict especially when there was too much on her hands and her consolation was that it was just two cups, one in the morning and another only if her desk still had work that would make her work till 20hours. Sometimes colleagues would give her a call immediately after emailing her some works and even before she receives the email to say, “I have emailed you something, have you seen it?” The committee in her head would stop her from responding to say, ‘please, I don’t live in my inbox, have some patience and I will see it and respond once am done with other works,’ and so her response would simply be, I will look at it and respond. And when her phone rung and it was from her supervisor who held a grudge against her, she had to take two deep breaths before picking up the phone. How long was this going to go on. Was she also nurturing a grudge against her supervisor?

Sishemo was shocked to learn her promotion was halted by a supervisor who held a grudge over an incident that happened two to three years ago which was a mere misunderstanding but because this supervisor kept the grudge and planned revenge all along, now that she was in management, she gave bad recommendations that Sishemo was rude and undermining. If being resilient and standing up for what one believed in was perceived as rude, then it was true that Sishemo was all that she was accused of, but she was none of those things. Sishemo’s personality was that of one who never knew what a grudge was, annoy her in the morning and by afternoon, she will have forgotten and will be speaking to you. She believed work was an extension of home and so it needed to be a peaceful environment. She was now learning the hard way that grudges at work can drag on and others will live to wait for an opportunity to tarnish one’s name and not be professional.

A grudge is a persistent feeling of resentment resulting from a past injury or misunderstanding. In workplaces, due to the many hours we spend there, it is normal to have misunderstandings but not worth our energy to hold on to the anger. Just like in a family set up, people argue but quickly forgive each other, so even in workplaces, speak to someone if you feel offended. Talk to them face to face and let them know how you feel and if you believe you need to involve others, let HR come in as mediator.

We have all wronged each other in workplaces, knowingly or unknowingly. A co-worker steals your idea and passes it on as their own and you miss a promotion or an opportunity to act in a project which was your brainchild. It can be difficult to let go of the hurt and move on when you feel wronged but keeping the anger and hatred is toxic to the body, mentally and physically. Grudges manifest as stress which can lead to high blood pressure, interfere with focus and productivity and we can take them home and be losing our calm thereby affecting our family relationships.

Grudges are like a cancer which grow over time because grudge holders tend to think about the incident over and over, thereby feeding the grudge with nutrients for expansion. Humans have a tendency to minimise the pain they cause others and maximise the pain others cause them; we could all have people holding grudges against us out there without us realising it. It is said that “when you point a finger at someone who has wronged you, there is always other fingers pointing back at you,” this means people who hold grudges have a lot of introspection to do.

Holding grudges diminishes productivity, it makes the atmosphere non-conducive as soon the person you have a grudge against walks in, you lose focus and harbour ill feelings which even lowers your immunity. When there is a conflict between two employees, one of them is usually more bothered by the issue than the other so if you notice a colleague suddenly stops interacting you normally, reach out and start conversations with them. When we are upset we tend to think our own perspective is the only correct one, we need to make room for different perspectives. Employee grudges arise without us realising what our colleagues are going through, someone can be coming to the office straight from spending a night at her sister’s bedside and probably this has been going on for months and when such a one is probably slow in responding to your query, then you assume they are deliberately acting slow or ignoring you. Sometimes, a co-worker could be going through a divorce, loss of close family member or struggling to come with terms of a diagnosis of a chronic illness. Some employees don’t share this personal information with co-workers and report to work as if all is well. So, people have different battles and struggles in their daily lives for us to hold grudges against them. If you notice that someone is not acting like themselves, choose the right setting to speak with them, not publicly discussing their issue but inviting them in privacy and having a chat with them. By creating privacy around a difficult conversation, you can make it easier for the other person to open up about what is going on and how they can be helped.

The phrase “to carry a grudge” means you are carrying the weight of anger, hurt or hate, it’s like having a tiny stone in your shoes that’s discomforting and you carrying the grudge will continue with that discomfort for as long as you hold on to the grudge. Sometimes for a wound to heal, it needs surgery which can be painful, so find time to confront that person and issue that is making you carry a grudge, it can just be the little surgery you are in need of for a full healing. Holding on to grudges could actually breed so much hatred that you could find yourself putting juju in someone’s office just because you want them out of the institution and such an act could be considered a pre-requisite step to witchcraft mastering. Sadly, people think witchcraft is only flying on some saucepan or lubango in the night but keeping grudges is definitely an entry step because you constantly wish ill towards the person you have a grudge. There’s a saying in Kalabo, “mwana wa mukoye sishwa-shwa,” which means a person you never gave birth to, is like a left-over cob of maize, which no one picks and eats, therefore, do not hate someone’s child to a point of bewitching or harming them and the Easterners say; ‘mwana wa mnzako akalakwa usamthire mankhwala’ to mean if someone wrongs you, do not harm them.

Grudges are not only limited to workplaces, but families also have grudges from generation to generation and sadly, as parents we pass on these grudges to our children and there is nothing worse than a conflict in a family. Past arguments with in-laws, ex-spouses, siblings or cousins which leave family members estranged. Families lose valuable bonding time as members take sides. You find that you have cousins whom you don’t understand where the hostility comes from but it’s from what they hear their parents say about your parents that keeps them away from you.

From early childhood, holding a grudge is one way to respond to negative feelings and events. It’s particularly common when we think the wrong thing done was intentionally. And having low self-esteem, poor copying skills will make one hold a grudge. In families, you would wonder why a sibling, or first cousin would choose to not invite you to your niece or nephew’s wedding, or graduation and it would surprise you to learn that they hold a grudge against you that you are not aware of. Most probably something that happened even ten years ago, and they have been waiting for an opportunity to make you pay. And as we pass on these grudges to our children, they fail to help each other in adulthood even when they are in a position to do so because their parents simply put that hatred or lack of love in them. Easterners say, “osunga mnzake sa zibika,” which simply means you never know who can assist you in future. Those nephews and nieces that you keep away from your children due to the grudge you hold against their parents can end up being the ones to assist your children in future, they could be the modern day ‘Joseph’ in your family.

Remember that, ‘to forgive is to set a prisoner free and realise that the prisoner was you” – Anonymous

Any names or resemblance to actual persons in this article is purely coincidental.

Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]