Dear Aka-Monde,

As a young man ready to settle down, I am experiencing pressure from my fiancée on spending on a lavish wedding. My take home salary is around K13, 500.00 and I explained to my wife to be that I am already financially strained looking for money to finish off the lobala that I was charged. Our wedding is set for December this year and she is insisting we have a white wedding. I was charged K35,000.00 as lobola and I have since paid 25,000.00 which is money that I had saved. My family has no cattle, that I can sell to assist me finish off the lobola (in times like these, I wish I was Tonga) but on a serious note, I did a lot of saving to be able to pay the 25,000.00 down payment as I only got employed two years ago and have been helping take care of my mum and assist pay college fees for my young sister. My family has since set up a wedding committee which has been asking me how much I have saved for the wedding and I told my elder sister I have nothing, to which she said I wasn’t serious. I am considering applying for a loan but when I look at the repayment period and how much they will be deducting, it’s stressful. I don’t want to start a home with and in debt, if I were to take out a loan, it would be for a car which will benefit myself and wife to be. I don’t understand this fuss about a wedding, why can’t we just go to Civic Centre and register the marriage? Why must I get into debt to feed 150 or a 100 people on one day and remain in debt the next three to five years. I feel drained and not even looking forward to December when it should be exciting that I will be a married man. Is a white wedding really necessary? And can’t she also help contribute towards the wedding since she also works?

Frustrated Groom-to-be

Dear Frustrated Groom-to-be,

Thank you for reaching out and congratulations on your soon to be wedding.
Every girls’ dream is to have a beautiful wedding and walk down the aisle. She wishes for a wedding day that will live up to the expectations of the people who will attend. She wishes for her friends to have fun and her family members to be happy. She wishes for a beautiful church ceremony and to host a memorable reception at a beautiful venue. That is something men need to know about ladies.

There is a proverb that says, “Fear of man becomes a snare.” It simply means when you fear what people will say, their opinions, judgements and thoughts, you will end up being a people pleaser. The idea of comparing other people’s weddings to what you can afford when you have no idea how much savings they have or how big their pockets are can be a challenge.

Even though we are having white weddings, we can’t run away from the fact that it’s a man’s task to organise and sponsor the wedding in our culture. These days, the groom’s family will ask the brides family for assistance by simply saying, what can you assist us with and usually the bride’s family doesn’t contribute much but say maybe 10% of the cost by assisting with vehicles for the line up and providing a wedding dress unless of course you are marrying a rich man’s daughter who will not accept anything less than an extravagant wedding for his daughter and pride, often stops most grooms’ families from asking for assistance.
Some ladies go behind their family and take out loans to help their man, but this is never a wise decision as it usually backfires later in marriage as a man will use it as a weapon against the woman to say, after all, “you paid lobola or sponsored the wedding yourself.”

Planning a wedding itself is stressful, in that you will have to deal with creating a guest list, family members will do that for you but there will be friends and relatives who will forever blame you for forgetting to invite them. From organising a venue which is easier when funds are plentiful, managing the budget, getting your outfits ready (pray you get a good reliable tailor), planning a honeymoon if you have funds left after the wedding, managing your own expectations, those of your partner and your families, it can be overwhelming and indeed stressful.

In all this period, you could experience emotional symptoms of inability to focus on work, difficulties in making decisions, feelings of forgetfulness, irritability or constantly worrying. And the physical symptoms you may struggle with are exhaustion, difficulties in sleeping, stomach pain, high blood pressure, changes in appetite, low immunity which can make you prone to flu.

How you can manage marriage stress is by:
• Planning and staying within your budget.
• Staying organised by having a to do check list and decide on your priorities.
• Communicate, be open to prevent and resolve misunderstandings.
• Delegate responsibilities to trusted close friends and family who can follow up on certain tasks.
• Most importantly, avoid comparing your wedding to what is seen on social media or what your friends had.

The economy is hard, you are just starting your adult life, you have had family responsibilities of assisting your mother and sibling with college fees. Set boundaries and understand you cannot please everyone by agreeing to hosting a function you cannot afford. It would be nice to just have a luncheon which can be, at a relative’s home to save on expenses where you can hire table and garden chairs and get a chef or family members to prepare a meal and a cake bought which doesn’t have to be wedding cake, but a normal cake decorated as a wedding cake. You could go ahead with having your marriage blessed in church, registered with the local authorities and wedding pictures taken. Such an event of a luncheon could allow you enjoy a wedding get-away at some lodge for you to have a memorable honeymoon. Consider selling this idea to your fiancée if funds fail to materialise.

If you really feel, you cannot afford a large wedding, have a serious chat with your woman and explain your reasons, marriage is about compromise and it starts now. She needs to understand you and reach a mutual understanding and agreement on how things will be done. Come clean about your finances, how much you earn and your limitations.

As you prepare for your marriage, remember to trust your partner because apart from parents, a spouse genuinely cares. Spend quality time with each other and be available in joys and sadness. Forgive and love each other!

And when your marriage is past the honeymoon phase, seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]