You can be a villain in someone’s story and never know of it. After 15 years, her ex-husband’s friend finally gathered the courage to ask her why she chose to walk out of the marriage. “Yours was an admirable union, and I felt shattered that you walked out,” he said. So she asked him, “Do you know why I left? I could no longer stand the cheating, and to keep my sanity and not find myself in prison, I had to leave.”

There was a moment she would stare at him in his sleep and ask herself what would be the best way to get rid of him and not be caught. Looking at her small children, she figured walking out was the best thing. “Did he never tell you how much he shattered me after giving him my all?” she asked. Be prepared for those who exploited your kindness to change the narrative to suit them.

In no time, she learned that most men cheat, but she never regretted walking out of her marriage those many years ago. That breakup taught her how quick it is to lose oneself. She learned a great lesson: that anyone is capable of anything. When she read stories or saw the news of domestic violence, she somehow understood that pride keeps us from accepting that a relationship has failed, and there are some things that are just not meant to work out.

She was a CEO with a workforce of over 1,500 staff. Back home, the man she loved and cherished always managed to hurt her feelings with words. He never hit her, but his words always managed to send her to bed in tears. He called her primitive in her ways. This was when she tried to do her wifely duties. “It’s my body,” he would say. But this primitivity was non-existent when he was making a budget over her CEO hard-earned money, and she had no say.

He accused her family of witchcraft because two of their children had albinism. Since he was an elder at church, he could not divorce her. Even on days after he stood on the pulpit to preach, he would come home and tell her how shameful he felt because of the condition of their children. He made it clear she was never to fall pregnant again.

He body-shamed her weight and told her this was the reason why he didn’t find her attractive anymore, and that there were ladies out there who knew what it meant to bathe as their skin was as soft as a baby’s bosom. He said these words to her every weekend after a drink with the boys. He made it clear that if she wanted to be joining him at events, she needed to lose weight. But the negative body-shaming only sent her to find comfort in food, and the weight she had gained after five babies in a space of six years of marriage was hard to lose.

A woman’s worth is continually subjected to societal expectations around beauty, weight, motherhood, relationships, career paths, etc. And the worst part is that most women are convinced of the soundness of such judgments. After all, we’ve been hearing all kinds of crazy rules about what it means to be a “good woman” since we were little girls.

We are told things like: you are too fat, not pretty enough, you can’t make more money as a wife, and if you do, don’t let the world know you are a breadwinner as a woman. It’s selfish to have spa dates and do your nails and hair weekly, but it’s okay for the other gender to meet his friends and spend money on beers. But you can’t spend that same amount getting a much-needed spa treatment weekly. Every woman must know how to bake, we are told, and make all manner of dishes while not all men can do a simple car service.

Women are so much more than bodies, jobs, or roles in life. We are more than our weight, beauty, or the money we make. We are more than our relationship status or what society tells us to be. Having self-worth will give us confidence, self-esteem, and personal development.

Many women struggle with their self-worth. We continuously ask ourselves, Am I good enough? The need to feel accepted and needed has led some to be entangled in toxic relationships. We all have times when we doubt our worth. Growing up, my siblings made fun of my big eyes. Looking back now, I can confidently say, my big eyes have never been a hindrance in any way, and now I adore them and wish I didn’t have to hide them in spectacles.

As a woman, a man does not define your worth. Rather, because of your worth, you contribute to a man. So if you are in a relationship with a guy who does not appreciate your worth, the chances of abuse are high. If you do not know your worth, someone will put a tag on you. You are of great value, and as such, you must conduct yourself the same by living by principles that match your worth.

Stop chasing after a man for acceptance because gems do not search for people to own them, it’s rather the other way. As a lady who knows her worth, you will attract the right kind of partner. When a man knows your worth, he’ll match your self-worth and not dictate it to you. Don’t lower your standards to please society.

Refuse to compare yourself with others, their achievements, personal disciplines, or income. And if you have made mistakes in the past that made you lose your worth, forgive yourself and make a stand to build your self-worth again.

Knowing our identity makes us brave to face the world. Assert your worth by surrounding yourself with people of worth, people who affirm you. Seek to build your self-worth continually and do not be complacent. As a woman, be confident, do not be lazy, be industrious, be a giver, bring pride to those attached to you, and speak and conduct yourself wisely and graciously.

I recently experienced a judgment by someone I looked up to. He questioned my choice of study and seemed to have a struggle with the legitimacy of my profession and my choice of changing jobs. He was very adamant that my career choice was not the best. His straight-up rejection and reaction brought me back to reality, that there are those who remain closed-minded. These kinds of people would not accept different individuals, rather a judgment for being “different.”

However, it was a good reminder of the importance of self-awareness. Recognising my self-worth prevented me from succumbing to self-blame and self-hatred in the face of judgment. Without this awareness, the criticism would have led to me feeling low or, worse, given me doubt about my decisions. It is crucial to stand strong, confident in the knowledge that our character and uniqueness are the true essence of our identity.

It’s also important to recognize that societal pressures are external forces that should not dictate personal decisions. Our lives are our responsibilities.

You may wonder, How do we find our self-worth? Well, practice mindfulness. Mindfulness disrupts the pattern of reflecting by telling our mind to observe thoughts without getting dragged by them. Whether through meditation, deep breathing, or simply being present in the moment, mindfulness fosters self-awareness.

Embrace your imperfections by acknowledging that nobody is perfect. Embrace that imperfection that makes you unique and know that it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from them.

Celebrate achievements no matter how small. By celebrating your success, you are recognizing your efforts. Practice self-reflection and self-love. This encourages us to view ourselves in a positive way, appreciating our strengths and unique qualities. It also shields us against the impact of external criticism. Loving oneself involves recognizing and fulfilling personal needs.

In the end, it doesn’t do us any good to blame other people for how we feel. Even when it seems like it’s totally someone else’s fault, we have to take some ownership of what happens to us and make changes if it doesn’t feel good. This is where the power is. You can decide how you want to be treated and then treat yourself that way.

Never forget about your sense of self and value in your life. It’s always possible to start valuing yourself again, it’s a muscle you work on and make stronger. In valuing yourself and having self-worth, follow your gut, stay away from things that drain you, and speak your truth even if it’s hard. Only share accurate, truthful information. Be inspired and motivated by the happiness of others and not intimidated or discouraged. Celebrate other people’s happiness without comparison. Cheer each other on.

Be generous and believe and hope for the best for others. Generosity means being secure with yourself that you don’t need to make others feel less so you can feel like more. Use your resources when you can to make life easier for yourself and others around you.

Don’t wait for someone to come along and tell you that you are important or capable of worthiness. Insecurities can pop in once in a while, but pick yourself up and realize that self-worth isn’t tied to perfection but acceptance of oneself and the willingness to improve. Be open to new ideas and listen to understand.

Allow your sense of worth to feel good about using resources, whether it’s on educational expenses, clothes, hair, new experiences, or whatever else matters. Know that looking after yourself isn’t selfish, and teach others how to treat you. For as long as we live our truth and express our lives fully, there’s no limit to our worth.

Seek help when in need. Visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]