Dear Aka Monde

My husband of five years is still good friends with his ex. This is a lady he dated for 4 years at university. I’m uncomfortable with it as I know she was his first love and in the past when we were just getting to know each other, I remember him contributing to a story that virgins exist and he mentioned that his girlfriend at university was one and that he broke her virginity. Is it in order to maintain a friendship with an ex?
Mrs. M.

Dear Mrs. M,

Staying friends with an ex can be tricky, but if you set the right boundaries, it can be a positive relationship. One could be asking to say, if as a couple, the relationship failed, what can make the friendship work? And it all depends on what made the relationship end, the ability of the people involved in setting boundaries and the emotional maturity. It’s normal to worry and have doubts, that’s what makes us human.

After been with someone for years, it can be difficult to just forget and cut ties with someone as it feels like a part of you is missing but the most important question is why do you want to stay friends with your ex?

To stay friends with an ex, establish clear expectations, prioritize your emotional well-being, and maintain respectful communication. Avoid intimate situations, set limits on contact frequency, and be honest about your feelings. If the friendship causes distress or you still have feelings for your ex, it’s best to take a step back.

Sometimes one finds that because of the similar interests and hobbies, you want to continue being together and getting support and guidance from an ex. It could also be that you have a project or business together or have children which means you will always meet and talk whether on phone or physically. And having children makes it inevitable for meetings to take place and its easier when you are friends. If you still have feelings for an ex, it’s best to keep your distance until you completely move on.

If you want to stay friends with an ex, certain pre-requisites should be in place, including: no romantic feelings. Just because you fall out of love does not mean you don’t care. You can care without lusting for someone. And if both sides have no romantic feelings towards each other, it’s possible to be friends.

If they were misunderstandings in a relationship and you now want to be friends, resolve the misunderstanding. If you are still in love with your ex or still have strong feelings for them, it’s best to look into the issue before you can be friends with them again. It could be you were not happy with how they treated you in the relationship. And if every time you meet, you argue, then you are not ready for friendship. If you feel jealous when you see your ex on social media as having moved on, if you feel hurt or anger when you see them happy with another person, then you are not ready for a friendship and it’s best to keep a distance.

If you find it hard to keep away from touching or flirting with your ex, then a friendship cannot work out. But if you no longer both feel romantic or have sexual feelings for each other, then you can work on a friendship.
For most people to consider remaining friends, it’s most likely the relationship ended amicably. However, it’s important to be on the same page on understanding why the relationship ended. And also understanding if you have both lost sexual feelings towards each other. Once it is established that you can be friends as there are no sexual feelings involved, create boundaries to your friendship by setting limits on certain topics such as discussing your previous romantic encounters or limit physical contact such as hugs when you meet. To be able to have these boundaries, you need to communicate and not just give in when your ex wants a hug or a peck. Make it clear on what can and cannot be done or happen in the friendship zone. When the other person oversteps a boundary such as always hugging you every time you bump into each other, clearly state that they are breaching the terms of friendship. And when you realise you still have feelings, communicate to your friend so that you are on the same page and you hear their view.

Staying friends with an ex doesn’t mean you have to communicate as frequently as you used to when you were in a relationship. It is important to limit contact and not text or call each other every day like you are still in a relationship. In this social media era, do not tag your ex to posts as it may upset their new partner. Checking up on them frequently on social media or viewing their WhatsApp status will only make it hard for you to move on, it is even advisable to mute their status so that you do not see updates. If you find that you recognize or know their new partner, it is not in your space to give love advice and ensure you do not go back to your ex for emotional support, you have other friends or family for that. Avoid being friends with benefits no matter how lonely or pressed you are as this only complicates things and will make moving on difficult. And if being friends makes you feel uneasy and stressed, it’s probably best to avoid maintaining a friendship, after all, they say “munda wakale siuvuta kulima.”

Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]