I was excited to be on the road on my way to attend the Kuomboka Ceremony. Suddenly my mind was filled with memories of my late sister. She would have asked me to get permission from her husband on her behalf so that we travel together. We would have made new msisi dresses together. I no longer shed a tear whenever I think of her. With time, the tears dried but the pain has never stopped. I now miss her more because I have no “mulomo mate.” There is no one to tell secrets. My sister understood me and never judged me, we would tell each other everything and promise not to tell mum because we had promised to confide in mum only if we thought it was in the best interest.

Just the other day, I stopped by to refuel my car and the car on the other side had a Tonga gentleman who offered to pay K500 of my bill, I politely declined and told the guy that a K500.00 was the cost of my chocolate and quickly drove off, don’t question how I knew he was Tonga, the accent gave him away. If my late sister was in the car with me, she would have made me accept the gentleman’s offer to pay for the fuel, my sister used to say, “sibakana ndalama maake.” I would have told my sister that we need to teach these Tongas that the correct thing to say is “let me pay for her fuel,” and not offer to pay half, surely that’s the only way I would have taken up the offer, mwati ku viber pali K500.00 sure? Not a day goes by that thoughts of her do not cross my mind, her thoughts bring smiles and frowns, I miss her so much and more especially when I have a story to share. I have other sisters and siblings but the bond I had with my late sister, Tongo, was another. I do not know anyone who knew her who would say they ever fought or quarrelled, she was bubbly, ever smiling and a peace maker. We shopped together, laughed and prayed together. We shared dreams and hopes. She was an Angel with a pure heart who walked on this earth and Nyambi recalled her back too early because heaven needed her angelic presence back home.

There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. But by understanding the types and stages of grief, you can find healthier ways to cope.

Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. Often, the pain of loss can feel overwhelming. You may experience all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness.

The pain of grief can also disrupt your physical health, making it difficult to sleep, eat, or even think straight. These are normal reactions to loss—and the more significant the loss, the more intense your grief will be.
The most common source of grief is bereavement, which is the death of a loved one. Divorce or a relationship break-up could also bring grief, so can losing a job or becoming financially unstable. A loved one having a serious terminal illness such as cancer or a miscarriage can also bring about grief.

Even subtle losses in life can trigger a sense of grief. For example, you might grieve after moving away from home or changing jobs. Whatever your loss, it’s personal to you, so don’t feel ashamed about how you feel. If the person, relationship, or situation was significant to you, it’s normal to grieve the loss you’re experiencing. Whatever the cause of your grief, though, there are healthy ways to cope with the pain that, in time, can ease your sadness and help you come to terms with your loss, find new meaning, and eventually move on with your life.

After a significant loss, life may never seem quite the same again. But in time, you can ease your sorrow, start to look to the future, and eventually come to terms with your loss. I lost my father and brother but I am now at terms with their passing.

Grieving is a highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and how significant the loss was to you.

Inevitably, the grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried—and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experiences, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.

While grieving a loss is an inevitable part of life, there are ways to help cope with the pain, come to terms with your grief, and eventually, find a way to pick up the pieces and move on with your life.

• Acknowledge your pain.
• Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.
• Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you.
• Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you.
• Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically.
• Recognize the difference between grief and depression.

The 5 stages of grief are:
Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

If you are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to know that your reaction is natural and that you’ll heal in time. However, not everyone who grieves goes through all of these stages—and that’s okay. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to go through each stage in order to heal.

In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through any of these stages. And if you do go through these stages of grief, you probably won’t experience them in a neat, sequential order, so don’t worry about what you “should” be feeling or which stage you’re supposed to be in.

The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through a loss. Even years after a loss, especially at special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still experience a strong sense of grief.

While loss affects people in different ways, many of us experience the following symptoms when we’re grieving. Just remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal—including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious or spiritual beliefs.

Shock and disbelief. Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If someone you love has died, for example, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know they’re gone.

Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness and you may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.

You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (feeling relieved when a person died after a long, difficult illness, for example). You may even feel guilty for not doing more to prevent your loss, even if it was completely out of your hands.

A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. If you’ve lost your partner, your job, or your home, for example, you may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure about the future. You may even have panic and fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.

If you lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.

We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including:
• Fatigue
• Nausea
• Lowered immunity
• Weight loss or weight gain
• Aches and pains and insomnia.

While sharing your loss can make the burden of grief easier to carry, that doesn’t mean that every time you interact with friends and family, you need to talk about your loss. Comfort can also come from just being around others who care about you. The key is not to isolate yourself. Turn to friends and family members. Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Rather than avoiding them, draw friends and loved ones close, spend time together face to face, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Often, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need—whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or just someone to hang out with.

Draw comfort from your faith. If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you—such as praying, meditating, or going to church—can offer solace. If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a pastor or elders from your church.
Social media can be useful in letting others know about your loss and reaching out for support. However, it can also attract Internet trolls who post inappropriate, insensitive, or even abusive messages. To spare yourself additional pain and heartache at this time, you may want to limit your social media use to closed groups rather than public postings that can be commented on by anyone.

When you’re grieving, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time.

Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don’t use alcohol or drugs to self medicate, numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially as this leads to addiction.

Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” Anniversaries, holidays, and important milestones which can reawaken painful memories and feelings.

And so, even as I dance at Kuomboko, I remember how much my sister loved to dance. She would have enjoyed this moment with me.

In memory of my late sister, Namatongo Lukongo and all our loved ones who have gone before us.
Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]