Dear Aka-Monde,
I have been married for 15 years and in the past 2 years, I struggle with erectile dysfunction. I have tried going for medical tests but all comes out clean and my wife doesn’t seem to complain but I feel so bad and wish to do something about it. Sometimes I tend to have thoughts of discussing with her that maybe she finds a boyfriend but another side of me doesn’t really know if I can stand the idea of another man with her. So lately, I ignore her emotionally in the hope that she can fall into another man’s arms and find solace there. I don’t want a divorce but seriously, my wife is young and I know her blood is still running. Am I wrong in giving her freedom to find someone (I never check her phone or snoop around). I prefer not to know if she’s doing it elsewhere as long as we have peace in the home.
J.

Dear J,
Erectile Dysfunction, is a common condition that can make sexual activity difficult. It may lead to a loss of intimacy in a marriage or long-term relationship, affecting the mental well-being of both partners. It can cause feelings of low self-esteem or depression.
It is not unusual to have difficulty getting an erection occasionally, but when this symptom occurs frequently, it’s a signal of an underlying condition. Other risk factors for erectile dysfunction are:
• high blood pressure
• stress
• certain medications
• chronic liver or kidney disease
• alcohol or tobacco

Depending on the severity of a person’s symptoms, they may not be able to have sexual intercourse as frequently or for as long as they once did. Some may not be able to have sexual intercourse at all.

Sexual intimacy can be an important part of a marriage or long-term relationship, so this change may cause anxiety or a feeling of loss for both partners. A partner may become depressed, quick to anger, less masculine, socially isolated, in denial or lacking in self confidence or have a desire to avoid their spouse.

Erectile Dysfunction also affects the mental health of a person’s partner. It can make a person’s partner feel confused, anxious, undesirable, or suspicious that their partner may be unfaithful. These feelings can place a strain on a relationship. Erectile Dysfunction can also be difficult to talk about due to shame or stigma, which can prevent partners from communicating openly about it.

In many cases, erectile dysfunction is treatable. A range of effective treatments can restore sexual function, thereby improving satisfaction in a relationship. A doctor can help couples understand their options.

However, a person may have to try several treatments or go through testing to find an option that works for them. During this time, it is important for their partner to be open, understanding, and supportive.

Although it can be difficult, working on open communication in a relationship can help reduce the strain of erectile dysfunction. As erectile dysfunction can cause feelings of guilt or embarrassment, some males may avoid any type of intimacy with their partner so that they can avoid distress. However, a partner may interpret this as rejection, making them feel unwanted or unattractive. Having a conversation about these feelings can clear up misunderstandings such as these and reassure both partners.

Emotional distress is a common cause of erectile dysfunction. If a urologist believes that mental health could be a factor, they may suggest counselling. Individual counselling can give someone a private, non-judgmental space in which to talk about their difficulties. Couples counselling may also be beneficial to make you both understand your situation and resolve any relationship problems that could be affecting sexual intimacy.

There are ways to maintain physical intimacy while someone undergoes treatment for erectile dysfunction. For example, non-sexual touching, which includes kissing, cuddling, and hand-holding, can make people feel closer.

Experimenting with other forms of sexual activity can help both partners experience pleasure without the need for penetration. It may also reduce pressure on the male to “perform,” and so lessen performance anxiety.

As part of treatment, a person with erectile dysfunction may need to make certain lifestyle changes:
• stopping smoking, if a smoker
• limiting or eliminating alcohol intake
• increasing exercise
• maintaining a moderate body weight
• eat healthy foods

Those in a relationship with someone with erectile dysfunction can help their partner do this by providing moral support. In some situations, it may be beneficial for them to participate in the changes, too. For example, if a doctor recommends dietary change, it may be easier for the person to stick to them if their partner also adopts some or all of the changes.

People who have a spouse with erectile dysfunction can have their own difficulties with mental health. They may worry that the inability to maintain an erection is a sign that their partner no longer desires them. However, low libido is a separate condition from erectile dysfunction. Someone with low libido does not want to have sex, whereas people with erectile dysfunction may wish to but be unable. If someone with erectile dysfunction is not interested in sex anymore, it may be due to the effect it is having on their mental state.

Many medical treatments are available for erectile dysfunction. However, the best option will depend on what is causing it. It is a good idea for both partners to learn about the treatment options and what they involve. Non invasive treatment may include oral medications, injectable medications or testosterone therapy for low testosterone levels and please note that only a specialist doctor will best advise a suitable treatment.

If a medication might be causing erectile dysfunction as a side effect, changing this medication may also be an option. It is essential always to discuss this with a doctor first.

Modern technology has introduced penile implant surgery which involves a surgeon placing implants into the penis that make it possible for the penis to stay rigid during sex. If necessary, surgery to reconstruct the arteries may also help improve blood flow and this is happening in developed countries.

Having an open, honest discussion and finding other ways to connect can help a couple retain or regain intimacy and closeness. Remember the part of marriage vows that says, “For better for worse, in sickness and in health.” Have an open heart to heart conversation with your wife, share your fears with her, you will be shocked to find she understands and probably has some solutions as a partner that can benefit the both of you.

Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!