When Mutinta confronted her husband’s girlfriend, she had the shock of her life when the girlfriend apologised and said she only gave in knowing Mutinta was undergoing cancer treatment and was unable to be intimate with Hachigubu. Now imagine Mutinta’s shock to hear she was diagnosed with an infection she didn’t have.

Cheating in a relationship is any behaviour that violates the expectations of a partner. This does not mean sexual relationships alone but any actions, chats or talks that you wouldn’t want your spouse to know you are sharing with another person which can also include forming strong emotional bonds with a co-worker or someone on the internet. Cheating can be physical, emotional or both. A cheater may just be having a fling or show physical affection which can grow into full blown sexual relationship. In some cases, it can involve a full relationship where dates are involved, holidays spent together or lives planned for the future. In other cases, it’s just emotional; where your spouse develops deep feelings for someone else and spends time texting or communicating through email.

Finding out your spouse is cheating can be so devastating in a marriage and it can leave you with anger, confusion and deep pain. After the initial shock wears off, you wonder what to do next. The rocket science question is, “should you contact the person your spouse is cheating with?”

Before confronting the affair partner, you have to consider what your intentions are. One might think that by confronting the third person in the relationship, it will make one feel better but this is not the case in most instances as it just leaves one hurt and creates drama.

On the other hand, some reach out to the “third party” in the hope that he/she is not aware someone is married and hope that once its clear that’s a married person they are in the relationship with, then the third party will let go but in most cases, the “third party” will know everything about you and how you met and you can be shocked that that the third party is the one who has been buying you birthday presents that your spouse has been giving you in the past 5 years when you thought he/she had suddenly transformed into a romantic spouse.

Most cheating spouses tell their affair partner that they are in a process of a divorce or like Mutinta’s husband, lied to their affair partner that they last had intimacy with their wife five years ago when that very morning, lo and behold, the morning glory took place. So, reaching out to reveal that your partner is married has a fifty-fifty chance of working out if the affair partner was not aware of the true picture.

Sometimes it’s just the thought of getting the other side of the story from the affair partner because at this point, you do not trust your spouse and would want to hear what the other person has to say. When you contact this person, you may get an entirely different version of events, which may even open your eyes to the truth that your spouse is withholding from you. And wanting to get more details about the affair is the reason people reach out, as affair partners tend to give out more information seeing they have no obligation towards you. The affair partner will also let you know what your spouse meant to them, if it was a temporal fling or they were their first cut before you came into the picture. But if they inform you that they are in love, then you will know you have much at stake.

Most importantly, no matter how much a loud message we can try to give the affair partner that we are not letting go of our marriage even if there is cheating involved, our spouse must be the one who should set those boundaries and cut off communication with the person they cheated with.

Confronting the affair partner can make you lose your self esteem as a man or woman when that person belittles you or is way above or too below your league. Perhaps your cheating spouse told the affair partner that you are abusive and in this case, the affair partner may think you deserve what happened to you. When you reach out, instead of being remorseful or understanding, they will tear you down to make themselves feel better or to defend your spouse for having an affair in the first place.

Often times, if you reach out with the hopes of finding the truth, you may be disappointed to find that it backfires. Instead of opening up and telling you the truth, the affair partner may make an even greater attempt, along with your spouse, to keep the affair secretive. Or you might end up hearing details which can be too painful to hear whereby the affair partner was fed with horrible stories of how unclean, disgusting or unpleasant you are in bed and this can shatter your esteem as a human being.

Sometimes ignorance really is better and learning exactly what your spouse did with someone else behind your back can be incredibly painful.

The harsh reality is that if your spouse is having an affair, they might be quite invested in the relationship with their affair partner such that your reaching out puts more strain on an already strained relationship or whereby if the cheating partner is a man, now becomes free to go away long hours since the wife is now aware that there’s a third party involved. And in the case of women, maybe she was looking for an opportunity for you to catch her so that she leaves you as most women will cheat when they no longer love you. While cheaters are certainly the ones in the wrong for cheating, they may convince themselves that you had no right to interfere with their relationship. Your decision to reach out may ruin any chances you had at repairing your marriage, unfair as it may be.

When you reach out to the person your spouse is cheating with, you’ll now have information about this person. You may even lead yourself to constantly be checking their social media pages or creating fake accounts to stalk them. Once you open yourself up to contacting this person, you may find that you become obsessed, constantly comparing yourself to them. This will likely lead you to feel inferior.

When an affair comes to light, you may not know how to cope. There is no one best way to handle the situation. You will have to determine what your needs are and what you’re willing to do to rebuild the relationship.
Some people may have strong values against infidelity, such that an episode of cheating is grounds for ending the marriage. If this is the case, you’ll need to determine how to divide assets and move toward divorce. On the other hand, if you choose to repair the marriage when you find you have a cheating spouse, you’ll need to set expectations with your spouse. This will require them to end all contact with the affair partner and show a commitment to rebuilding trust.

For healing to occur, it will be important to have open conversations about what went wrong in the marriage, and both of you will have to be intentional about rebuilding the relationship. Your spouse will also need to show legitimate remorse and make amends for their behaviour. If it means changing jobs, getting a transfer, moving out of town, do what is best and stick to the decisions you make in rebuilding the relationship.

It’s not easy to stop thoughts that your spouse has not stopped their cheating habits and it makes a spouse clingy. If they are committed to rebuilding the relationship, they will be understanding of your need for additional reassurance during this time.

It can be helpful to go through counselling to help you overcome your anxiety and develop coping strategies. It is also beneficial to have open, honest communication with your spouse about how you are feeling.

When confronting your partner about cheating, be sure to put your emotions to the side and stick with the facts. Choose a private, neutral place where you can talk without interruptions. Your goal is to get answers and find a path forward, whether that’s together or apart.

Before you confront your cheating spouse, you must plan rather than straight away going to them, considering this is a very delicate situation. Only do it when you are sure you will stay calm so that you can be able to read between the spoken and body language accurately. Another very important thing to consider or ask oneself is: what outcome do you want? Are you looking for an apology and what will you do if you do not get it?

Next, imagine the conversation going the way you want it to go. This mental rehearsal can prepare you for a more positive outcome. And before this confrontation is done, make sure you have clear evidence of their behaviour and actions. This will help you stay focused and confident during the conversation, preventing your partner from denying or deflecting the issue. Ensure you choose the right moment and place where you can talk without interruptions. And be ready for a range of reactions which can include denial, anger or remorse. Before any confrontation, ensure you have informed a trusted family member of what you intend to do.

Confronting a cheater is incredibly tough, but handling it with calmness and empathy can make a huge difference. Stay calm, know what you want, and try not to react impulsively.

Remember, you deserve honesty and respect, and you have the power to find clarity and healing no matter what happens next. Boundaries help us know what is acceptable. Discuss what behaviours are okay and which are not. It’s important to agree on how to handle situations that may lead to trust issues. For example, friendships that make us feel uncomfortable with certain people must be put to an end if that will help re-build the trust in the relationship.

All in all, confrontations are best done with the person whom you are married to. That is the person who vowed and promised to be by your side in good and bad times. Taking out revenge on a third party isn’t worth it as this person doesn’t owe you anything, deal with the problem who is your cheating spouse using the right approach which can make all the difference between healing and heartbreak.

Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor, near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]