Dear Aka – Monde

Mrs. L

Dear Mrs. L.

African men can be romantic but most choose to hold back their emotions in order not to be seen as weaklings. It is us women who are in a habit of telling young boys to not show their emotions by always telling them not to be weak when they cry. In most households, boys are taught to be strong, silent providers. Love is not something most men will express with candles or roses. It’s something they do quietly, making sure their woman’s phone never runs out of airtime and insisting she dresses warmly in this cold weather, ensuring they heat water for you just before power goes off if they get home earlier.

In 1992, Pastor Gary Chapman, after counselling many couples realised there were many misunderstandings over needs in relationships and came up with five love languages:
• Words of affirmation
• Quality Time
• Physical touch
• Acts of Service
• Receiving gifts

The above love languages describe five ways in which people receive and express love in a relationship. Knowing your partner’s love language and letting them know yours, is a way to help you both feel love and appreciated.

Words of affirmation is about expressing affection through spoken words, praise, or appreciation. When this is someone’s primary love language, they enjoy kind words and encouragement, uplifting quotes, love notes, and cute text messages. You can make this person’s day by complimenting them. Don’t wait for your spouse’s workmate to do the complimenting, let him/her know she’s looking good unlike just saying, is that a new suit or was there a board meeting at work today? Simply tell them, “Darling you look good.”

Quality time, someone with this love language values your full presence when you are together. They feel most loved if you give them your undivided attention and spend time together in meaningful and interactive ways. This means putting down the cell phone, turning off the computer, making eye contact, thoughtfully interacting, and actively listening. When on a date or having a chat, with this person, give them your full attention and put the tv remote aside and listen actively.

A person with Physical touch as their primary love language feels love through physical affection. Aside from sex, they feel loved when their partner holds their hand, touches their arm, or gives them a massage at the end of the day, for example. This person’s idea of a wonderful date night might be cuddling on the couch as you watch your Zambezi magic or catch up on some Netflix, slow dancing together with a lot of physical contact, or taking a long walk together while holding hands. They feel most loved when physically interacting with their partner.

Acts of service are nice things you do for your partner that make them feel loved and appreciated, such as:
• Helping with the dishes or cooking (even if it’s just chopping onions or passing a grater, gentlemen….)
• Taking your spouse’s car for a wash
• Dropping them off at a salon or barbershop
• Putting fuel in the car
• Dropping them off at kitchen parties/weddings or meeting with the boys
• Even when time won’t allow to accompany a spouse at a funeral, drop them off and offer to pick them up later

If your partner’s main love language is acts of service, they’ll notice and appreciate little things you do for them.

For someone who resonates with Receiving gifts as their love language, gifts symbolize love, care, and affection. They treasure not only the gift itself but also the time and effort the gift-giver put into selecting it. People who enjoy receiving gifts as part of their primary love language do not necessarily expect large or expensive presents; it’s more the effort and thoughtfulness behind the gift that count. When you take the time to pick out a gift specifically for them, it tells them you are thoughtful and really know and care about them and their preferences. People with this love language can often remember every little gift they have received from their loved ones because it makes such an impact on them.

Apart from the above mentioned five languages, it doesn’t mean there are no other ways to express and receive love such as shared experiences and emotional security. In identifying ones Love Language, ask yourself the following;
Do you feel more loved when your partner:
• Tells you, “I love you,” or praises something you did?
• Surprises you with a meaningful gift?
• Plans a trip for just the two of you?
• Runs the errands for you?
• Holds your hand while you’re walking?

Answering these questions could give you a hint as to what your love language might be. You could also try to recall the sorts of things you ask for in a relationship or consider how you express love to your partner. Your partner’s love language might not be the same as yours. When couples have different primary love languages, there are bound to be misunderstandings. However, if your partner learns to speak your love language (and you, theirs), they will likely feel loved, appreciated, and, ultimately, happier in the relationship.

When you are committed to learning someone else’s love language, you are focused on their needs rather than your own. Couples should make an effort to learn and respond to their partner’s love language rather than trying to convince their partner to change to their own. Ideally, both people will want to express and share love in a way that is meaningful to the other.

The entire purpose of exploring your love languages together is to learn how to love your partner in a way that is meaningful to them. Letting your partner know your love language builds understanding and strengthens intimacy in a relationship. It helps couples share what they prefer and not have fear of initiating new ideas for fear of someone saying where did you learn this? The things couples will do for each other will become more intentional and meaningful. “I love you” hits differently when it comes with meaning and not said to a spouse after a fight. It makes one feel loved, noticed and appreciated.

Love languages also apply to relationships between parents and children, among coworkers, and among friends. For example, if your child’s primary love language is words of affirmation, they’d like to hear verbal praise or, “I love you.” Some people get a bit competitive about using love languages, which can actually strain a relationship. For example, you might start keeping track of all the times you use your partner’s love language and compare it to how many times your partner used yours. The love languages are intended to give you more awareness and options when it comes to giving and receiving intimacy, not to be used for control, punishment, or manipulation.

Once you and your partner know each other’s love language, you both can benefit. Speaking your partner’s love language can take a bit of effort and intention, though, especially if it is different from yours. Remember, healthy relationships aren’t born; they’re developed through attention and effort. The good news is that you can enhance your relationship by learning your partner’s love languages and putting them into practice. And, if you both are committed to loving one another in the ways that speak to both of you, you will find yourselves not only deeper in love, but also in a more meaningful and fulfilling relationship.

Couples should not wait to only hold hands when a funeral happens and they are required to lay wreaths as Mr. and Mrs. Or sit together because there is a couple conference at church, as such tendencies give wrong pictures to the children in the home who grow up not seeing physical affection from their parents and believe that is the norm.

To our brothers, we are not asking you to be suddenly romantic. But please understand that saying “I love you” should not wait until you wrong us neither will it give you a sore throat or make your voice expire.

To my sisters, instead of asking, “where are you? or buy some bread, noodles and juice” every time you text, how about trying, “I hope your meeting went well. Looking forward to your warm embrace?”

And birthdays—yes, they matter. No need for rented apartments or fancy restaurants when you have no funds, just a good slice of cake (not sponge please), a handwritten note, or even cooking one’s favorite meal or a take-way of big bite two, KFC or Yalelo fish and chips or simply a Cadbury chocolate, sending a music link you think someone will enjoy listening to, can be a powerful gesture that says, “ I love, care and value you.” Knowing your partners love language matters.

Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]