TV show extends into vagina monologue

I am not trying too hard to bring Iris Kaingu back in the news, but even if I was, who can blame me for writing about the entertainment of people who actually entertain. Look, if your sister or babe is such a decent chick, then she is not my client. But I will remember to look out for her comment on this story.

Now that we have cleared that out of the way, let me give the background of how it all started and where socialite Iris, the celeb comes in. Yes, I said it, “the celeb!”

So last week Thursday, I was glued to Zambezi Magic for my weekly dosage of a hot new show “Date My Family Zambia”. It wasn’t only the hottest episode ever, but also magical because in some way, one or two characters came off the television set and continued with the drama, long after the show was over and Zesco had done their thing.

For those of you who are not familiar with this show, a bachelor or bachelorette goes on three different dates with the families of his would be girlfriend or boyfriend. At the end of these dates, he chooses; based on how well the families represent their ‘single’, a man or woman whom to take on a final and advanced date.

Let me put it much simply. Imagine you are searching for a would be hubby or wife, and your family gets to interview and assess the candidate on international television while you are kept away watching with the rest of the world. That’s it, so if your family is nuts, they blow it for you. But for purposes of how this story will end, bear in mind that these are just dates, and not necessarily marriage proposal gatherings or any of that.

Now you see, this particular bachelor in last week’s episode was a surprise to all the contesting families because whilst they were expecting a Zulu from Petauke, a Hamwela from Mazabuka or a Sikalumba from Nakonde to walk through the doors, it was a German dude. His name, Holger Vogt.

I knew I was in for some serious entertainment so I reached out for the remote to pump up the volume and to record, just in case my movious sister doesn’t believe my narration when she returns home. Yes, she loves it too because she is also single and probably searching.

This particular episode was loaded with real life comedy. I was certain there was going to be some behavioural changes, if you know what I mean, but I wasn’t just sure to what extent.

So, the first family spent about 90 per cent of their time grilling Vogt on where he would settle down with their “medical doctor” daughter, once they got married! Trust me, I was sure by the end of the date, that the said adorable Doctor (Dalisto Ngwane) had been ruled out.

Then Vogt moved to the next ‘family’ with a young Lusaka diva Ingrid Sinadabwe, who asked her friends to join her family in interviewing the would be date. The date progressed well until one of the girls asked Holger “how stable is your income?” It was a little awkward, but then every family needs that courageous one who can pop that question. I mean, being a muzungu is just one thing and getting the bills paid is another.

Chishimba Nyambe

Anyway, it was on the third date with Chishimba Nyambe’s family when the reality show got real! Chishimba’s family did a tremendous job selling her as a strong, independent woman. This wasn’t surprising to me because this lady actually co-owns a PR agency called “PR Girl Media” with her sister. So public relations is like a family thing, and for sure she was picked for a final date.

However, during the said final date, Chishimba brought up the marriage topic and Holger observed, “It seems women just love to talk about marriage,” he said looking hesitant to go that route, that early.

But Chishimba went ahead to explain how lobola works and how important it was in the Zambian tradition.

At this point, Iris who happened to be my fellow viewer, twitted from wherever she was watching, saying “What is this pressure in Zambia to aspire to marriage? It is a date!! What happened to hobbies, family, career, the weather maybe? Lobola…Really?? Geez.”

Although Iris did not mention her, Chishimba threw her PR diplomacy out of the window and fuelled a Twitter War.

“I have all that honey, but I still respect tradition. However, bottom line is that no one will pay 100 cows for a whore!” She responded, also without mentioning Iris. But I knew what was going on here and being a recorded TV show, I could see the characters almost literally coming out of my TV set.

Chishima further posted, “I’m hell lot of woman, so my tradition demands that the man I settle with respects that. Lobola is how much the man respects the value of tradition. It’s that simple.”

Iris reacted, “Aww maybe you’ve been out of the game too long hun. 3yrs, the children these days don’t talk bride price on the first date. But what do I know?”

Now before I continue, if you are under 18 and reading this, close the page and find something else to do because there is no therapy in Zambia for any underage who reads further than this point.

Yeah, well I knew you wouldn’t stop reading so lets just get on with it.

So, Chishimba hit back: No one would ever pick a vagina over my net-worth, I’m an advocate for vaginas even a whore’s but sadly some are just a disgrace to women empowerment. At this rate, you’re as good as standing on the street. Good luck! Call me when you need a bail out.

Iris: Oh makes sense why you’ve been single 3 whole years. Definitely looks like no one’s been picking your vagina…that’s why you’re so angry.”

Chishimba: Oh such a child! Picking vagina is one thing, getting into a relationship is different. Not surprised you don’t know the difference. Go sleep, you’re tired.

Iris: You keep talking about your net worth. Post your FNB bank balance and verify sis…thanks! #postreciepts

Chishimba: What? Like receipts of your accent? You’re battling above your league, sit down!

Anyway, this is just a summary of the meltdown, so lets stop here before the Inspector General arrests us for corrupting his police mind.

I need to mention, that during all this, there was a side show of fans taking sides and Iris won hands down because for them, bottom line was, you don’t talk lobola on a first date!

Hours later, Chishimba posted that she was remorseful for bringing the PR Girl Media name into disrepute and further deleted all the graphic tweets.

“While my personality is separate from @PRGirlMedia, I am sorry for letting down my brand, partner, family and friends. The twitter war was unbecoming of two strong women. I have made efforts to reconcile with @Iriiisss___ but unfortunately it’s not of interest to her. #PRGirl.”

But Iris responded; “I’m baffled by you @MissNyambe. Your private apology was good enough for me, What I was uninterested in was your damn idea of taking a selfie [with me] for your ‘newly’ found twitter fans. If you wanted to make this public, you should have apologised publicly.”

Anyway readers, so many lessons to learn here. The biggest lesson definitely being that it is not wise to miss the Friday edition of News Diggers. See you next week.

         

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