Mwangala at 30 years old was legally on separation. How did she come to this stage at such a young age? She got married at 25 after falling heads over hills in love with her sweetheart whom she met at a youth fellowship. All was rosy until the little cracks in their marriage started growing. Her husband was the praise team leader at their church who spent every evening at rehearsals, and she saw nothing wrong with it even though her cousin tried pointing it out to her that this didn’t seem normal. She didn’t want to be the one to come in between a man and his God. She practiced her marital teachings to the core, never eating supper till he got home so that she eats with him as a faithful wife. And she did this even when she was pregnant, it was as if the unborn baby understood the need for her to wait for daddy. And so, most of her dinner was after 9PM. As fate would have it, one day, her husband Roby, left his laptop open as he dozed off whilst working on the bed. As a caring wife, she covered him with beddings, picked up his laptop and just as she thought of saving his work before shutting it down, a WhatsApp message popped on the laptop which read, “tonight you were great Rob.” She figured it was probably one of the praise team members thanking him for a good rehearsal but something within her told her to read more. The horror that she felt as she scrolled down the messages felt more painful than the first labour pains she experienced on her first induced labour as she read vivid messages of his sexual escapades with the lead female praise singer whom she regarded as an elder sister. Mwangala tried to forgive her Roby and move on but the many sleepless nights and awkward thoughts of her imagining him and the other lady whenever they made love as husband and wife became unbearable. She always imagined what styles he had with the lead singer and these thoughts would turn her off as every act with him left her feeling like a rape victim.

When you lose a spouse to death, emotional pain is expected and there is a defined grieving process that makes the distress understandable. However, when a spouse is lost through divorce, many find themselves without a clear roadmap. And few people care to ask divorcees on how they are copying.

A divorce is defined as the legal dissolution of a marriage which is granted if the court is satisfied that the reasons are adultery, unreasonable behaviour or irreconcilable differences. A divorce will also be granted in circumstances where the husband or wife has deserted their spouse for a period of at least two years and lately, the courts have become soft on marriage dissolutions due to the high rates of spousal killings. From a legal perspective, divorce is a process of disengaging partners from the legal marriage contract and making sure that those things the spouses are responsible for (including children and property) are properly accounted and cared for.

The most often cited reasons for divorce are, the lack of commitment, infidelity, and too much conflict and arguing, marrying too young, financial problems, substance abuse, and domestic violence. Other problems, such as religious differences can also lead to divorce.

Divorce can be considered to be one of life’s most stressful experiences as it is placed second from the top and the death of a spouse being number one. Modern divorce can also take place amicably, consciously and without a court battle. Marriage therapy can help conflicted partners to repair their marriage, or, if that is not possible, to separate on as positive terms as is possible. Arbitration is available to help partners successfully divide their possessions without recourse to the courts. The quality of the divorce any given couple will end up experiencing will be deeply influenced by the quality of relationships the partners can maintain with each other, and with professional helpers they work with during the separation process.

It’s often seen that women initiate divorce more frequently than men do. And for men to be served with divorce papers, often comes as a shock. Often, the initiating partner has had the time and the right energy to process their emotions and the surprised partner does not.

Many changes after a divorce can cause long term stress. Financial circumstances after a divorce may change as people adjust to a lower standard of living with only one source of income. Co-parenting conflicts with an ex, worries over children, balancing parenting time with work, all these increase one’s stress and if you don’t cope in a positive way, it can lead one to relying on bad vices such as using alcohol or substances to cope. Long term stress erodes the immune system, and this makes one to easily succumb to colds and flu, high blood pressure, weight loss or weight gain.

It would be wrong to say divorce has the same effect on everyone because others bounce back better after a divorce. Men often struggle in handling the emotional aspects of divorce as they seek less social support from friends or families compared to women. Women experience a decline in household income as most men tend to withdraw financial help for the children’s school fees and well-being. The men tend to feel that they should punish the women by withholding financial support towards the children.

In the midst of divorce, children’s mental welfare should be not be ignored. Children are likely to express distress, anger, anxiety and disbelief. Young people struggle to understand why they have to go between two homes. They may worry that if their parents stopped loving each other, then they can also stop loving the children. Newly divorced parents often drop their guard when it comes to discipline as they compensate for being alone. Sometimes the hard part is moving to a new environment which means changing schools and making new friends. Financial hardships are common among divorcees as they now relay on one source of income and this adjustment is hard on the children. Divorce can also trigger an adjustment disorder in children as they endure new family dynamics of possibly stepparents or siblings. And even when the divorce is amicably handled, children struggle with emotional regulation and effectively withdraw or engage in risky behaviour. They experience anger and often direct this anger towards the parent who initiated the divorce or whom they perceive as being responsible for the divorce. Their school performance drops due to distractions or unwanted emotions and can exhibit signs of attachment disorders characterised by persistent difficulty establishing and maintaining a close relationship with others. Developmental regressive behaviour can also occur such as bed wetting and thumb sucking particularly among younger children. Therefore, consistent care and validation must be given to children whose parents are experiencing a divorce and they need to be encouraged to open up about their feelings and ensure parents sharpen their co-parenting skills.

While it is said that no happy marriage ends in divorce, relief can also be a major benefit that people can experience after a divorce. If a marriage has been tough and rough for so long, it can be a relief to both parties even if they didn’t agree to it. Another positive effect is the expansion of self-identity and taking on new roles. People after a divorce focus on advancing their careers and picking new social circles.

Going through a divorce may be the greatest crisis in one’s adult life. The worst thing is that it forces one to look at themselves, their choices and assess where they are and where they want to go. On the other hand, it forces people to do an evaluation of their life. The losses that one encounters during divorce often triggers childhood insecurities, leaving an adult with a diminished emotional capacity and a tendency to act out repressed emotions and adolescent sexuality.

Some actions and attitude strategies can be followed to rebuild one’s life after divorce such as:

i. Creating a concrete plan of action by listing personal resources and how the resources will be useful in the upcoming months.

ii. Creating a strong support system by inviting quality people in ones inner circle. The cycle must include family members, old friends and new friends as well as professional help or joining a support group.

iii. Exploring new resources such a taking up a new hobby, visiting libraries, parks or travelling on local tourism.

iv. Finding creative ways to access needed goods and services.

v. Cleaning out the clutter and getting rid of unnecessary reminders of the ex-spouse. Disorganised physical space produces a negative reflection so cleaning up the house is one way of getting rid of memories.

vi. Accepting that the marriage has ended is a very important attitude strategy.

vii. Calling a truce with the ex-spouse especially if they are children involved.

In counselling one facing the grief of divorce, the first thing will be to do an assessment plan and treat. While psychotherapy focuses on a broad range of information and client history, crisis assessment and treatment focus on the client’s immediate situation including factors such as safety and immediate needs.

Divorce is a very common event these days. Everyone has been touched by it, either by going through it or knowing someone who has gone through it as a spouse or as a child. You can feel like the loneliest person in the world when you are contemplating divorce. It’s therefore important to keep divorce in perspective so that it doesn’t crush you and the first thing to know about divorce is that it is common and nothing to be ashamed of.

Under the social pressure of so many divorces, the stigma that used to be attached to divorce is largely gone. It continues to be painful to divorce but it is worth noting that people have been getting divorces as long as people have been getting married. The ease with which a divorce can be obtained, the social stigma attached to divorce, and the amount of control, religious and political powers have exercised over divorce have varied significantly over time and even families would rather accept their child as a divorcee than receiving their child in a casket who has died due to a toxic marriage.

Any names or resemblance to actual persons in this article is purely coincidental.

Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]