Dear Aka-Monde
My name is Kelvin, aged 43, feeling like I missed life’s bus somewhere. Most of my friends are doing well financially while I struggle with making ends meet. I have accountancy and IT qualifications but can’t seem to find a good job. I wonder where I missed the opportunity to excel. My wife is a pre-school teacher who luckily got deployed in government and things stabilised a bit with her stable income as she had been working for private schools for a long time. I feel bad that she has a stable income in the home when it’s my job to be the main provider. I use my old car as a yango and sometimes feel like driving out of town and never returning. I feel like a failure but looking at my kids, I don’t want to leave them without a dad. Sometimes I feel like finding a rich girlfriend, it sounds funny and crazy but it’s a better thought than when I feel suicidal because I feel like a failure. I am not where I should be in life. I went to college but getting a good job is hard, I get called for interviews but never get offered jobs. Am I cursed or what? Sometimes I think I should visit these papas for prophecy but that’s not me, I believe God is everywhere and the God in Uganda is the same in Zambia. It’s depressing.

Dear Kelvin
Before we get into details, one thing that’s important to clear up is that a midlife crisis isn’t a recognised mental health condition. A midlife crisis can happen when men think they’ve reached life’s halfway stage and feel time is running out.

The male midlife crisis is often made fun of but for many men, it is a distressing experience. Most men start to feel dissatisfied with their life in their 40s, 50s or 60s and the mental health provider isn’t going to diagnose you with a midlife crisis and prescribe medication formally.

The midlife crisis is more of a social phenomenon than a specific mental illness. It’s a term that refers to the dissatisfaction, anxiety, and feelings of depression or remorse that many men start to feel as they transition from the first part of their adult life into middle age. Because a midlife crisis isn’t a clinically recognised mental health issue, there aren’t any specific symptoms that mental health providers use to identify this issue in men.
When they reach their late 40s to early 50s, some men experience loss of libido, erectile dysfunction, mood swings and other physical or emotional symptoms. During this period, it’s common to look back on things you may have planned and see that they didn’t come to fruition, or see your peers succeed in ways that might make you feel inadequate or as if you aren’t living up to your full potential. Most men go through the typical midlife crisis as they get older.

If you’re in your 40s, 50s or 60s and just want to buy a BMW, or if you no longer feel happy in your relationship, you want a divorce from your wife and can’t explain why, you suddenly want to pierce your ears and get a tattoo of Tupac, this doesn’t mean that you’re mentally unwell. Others above 70 years, retired from formal employment choose to get back to school and pursue programmes they envied or wish they had earlier pursued as young men. However, some of the symptoms and behaviours associated with a midlife crisis can be similar to those of known, clinically recognised mental health issues, including clinical depression, anxiety or professional burnout.

Sometimes, a midlife crisis may be a type of existential crisis that leads to depression symptoms, a phenomenon referred to as existential depression. This type of event can happen due to changes in your life, such as your children leaving home, or a significant setback, such as job loss. The death of a parent or other person close to you could also trigger an existential crisis. During a period of existential crisis, you may question your life decisions and think about making changes to your life. You may experience the following symptoms of depression in middle age:
• A persistent sad, negative and generally empty mood
• Increased irritability and a ‘shorter fuse’ with other people
• Feelings of anxiety, pessimism, and hopelessness
• Difficulty focusing on tasks or remembering information
• A sense that you’re guilty, worthless, or unable to be helped
• Slowed movement, speech, and decision-making abilities
• Insomnia (difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep) and/or oversleeping
• Difficulty sitting still and a general feeling of restlessness
• Changes in your appetite, eating habits and body composition
• Reduced energy and a feeling that you’re physically fatigued
• Aches, pains, digestive issues and other physical symptoms
• Suicidal thoughts and/or attempts to commit suicide

It’s common and normal to experience some of these symptoms on an occasional basis, even if you’re not depressed. However, if you experience several symptoms that are persistent enough to affect you daily for two or more weeks, it’s possible that what seems like a midlife crisis could be clinical depression. These symptoms can have a significant impact on your behaviour, especially if they’re the result of an existential or emotional crisis. You may note that you:
• Change your sleep habits, such as sleeping less, more or sleeping poorly.
• Notice a decline in your level of interest in work or workplace performance.
• Pay less attention to your appearance and personal hygiene.
• Experience a significant amount of weight gain or weight loss.
• Withdraw from romantic relationships or friendships and hobbies.
• Engage in unhealthy behaviours, such as drinking alcohol often or to excess.
• Behave differently around other people, such as friends and family members.

Anxiety often develops after a stressful or negative life event. Certain medical conditions that tend to become more common in middle age, such as high blood pressure and thyroid conditions, may also play a role in the development of anxiety symptoms.

Common symptoms of anxiety include:
• Finding it difficult to concentrate
• Feeling irritable, restless
• Physical symptoms, such as muscle tension
• A general feeling of tiredness and fatigue
• Feelings of worry that are difficult to control
• Difficulty sleeping and/or unsatisfying sleep

Some aspects of growing older, such as changes in physical health or an increasing amount of awareness and fear of death, could potentially affect the development of these symptoms.

In addition to existential concerns and established mental health conditions, a variety of other factors may all play a role in the midlife transition that many men go through as they enter into their 40s, 50s and 60s. These may include:
• Unhappy relationships – relationship satisfaction often inclines as people approach middle age reaching a low point at around age 40, but then increases until around age 65, when it goes uphill. This decline may play a role in the midlife crisis experienced by some men.
• Changes in hormone levels – It’s normal for your levels of certain sex hormones such as testosterone to decline with age. This can change the way you think and feel and may play a role in some behavioural signs associated with a typical midlife crisis.
• Public messages about aging – pop culture and marketing can make the process of growing older feel far from glamorous. This may affect your self-esteem and sense of life satisfaction.
• Financial concerns – Midlife is often the peak of a person’s earning potential. This is often a positive thing, but it may also produce concerns about saving for retirement and growing expenses, including for necessities such as healthcare.
• Empty nest syndrome – This is a psychological condition that can occur when children move out of home — a common occurrence during a person’s middle age. It may lead to feelings of grief, loss and difficulty adjusting to a new role in life.

Going through a midlife transition can be a challenging experience. For some men, it’s a smoother transition from one phase of life to the next. For others, it may be a difficult period that involves sudden, difficult changes and mental health issues. One important thing to keep in mind is that what people may perceive as a typical midlife crisis isn’t always a negative thing. In fact, for many people, the existential questions that tend to pop up in middle age can potentially lead to positive outcomes.

For example, concerns about your appearance, negative health-related habits or an increasing risk of chronic illnesses can all serve as inspiration to improve your habits and take your health more seriously.

Likewise, a sense that you’ve missed out on certain opportunities to enjoy life can inspire you to spend more time doing the things you truly enjoy. It’s important to differentiate between the negative aspects of popular culture’s idea of a midlife crisis and the positive ones.

There’s nothing wrong with exercising more, buying new clothes or taking steps to make aging less obvious. It’s also a great thing to get out and enjoy life more, especially if you’ve spent the last few decades of your life dedicating most of your time to career development.

If your children have moved out of home, changing your vehicle for something a little more fun might even be a good idea, provided it’s financially attainable.

Since everyone’s needs and worries are unique, there’s no one-size-fits-all way to deal with a midlife crisis. In addition to the approaches mentioned above, other options include:
• Traveling, including to the villages or foreign countries if you can afford.
• Volunteering and taking part in charitable initiatives
• Spending more time with friends, family and loved ones
• Setting personal goals for yourself and working towards them
• Letting people you trust know about your worries and feelings

The key is to focus on making positive, rational and realistic decisions, not impulsive ones that are driven by anxiety. Use your midlife concerns as a source of inspiration and you may find yourself feeling happier and more fulfilled. A midlife crisis can propel men toward both good and bad behaviours. For example, a man who thinks he should learn new things before it’s too late may make himself feel energetic and have a newfound appreciation for life. On the other hand, another man may spend all his savings on a luxurious sports car.

A mental health professional may recommend using medication or taking part in psychotherapy, or talk therapy, to improve your symptoms and quality of life. If prescribed medication to treat depression and anxiety disorders, it’s important to take it exactly as directed by your mental health provider. There’s nothing shameful in seeking professional mental health help. Doing so can help you to successfully navigate the challenges of middle age and enjoy this new stage of your life to the fullest.

Special shout out to Sydney and Makungu for your perspective.

When middle age brings up concerns that don’t have a potentially positive outcome, it’s important to seek professional help. Visit a Counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]