Dear Aka-Monde,
I have read your article in the tabloid with keen interest (Does true love exist?). Thank you so much for speaking of love, life and, yes, there is love out there and when you both strike the right code, oh, wow!!!!!!!!
One killer of love you may need to emphasize, over-confidence of spouses, I mean over-confidence that what I give my husband or wife is enough he/she should be grateful. I will speak of my own experience. On several occasions I told my wife to clean up before she gave it to me. We both do office work and she is very comfortable going for work, come back and she has seen no need for bathing when she comes back home since she sits in the office the whole day, so she feels she is “clean”. I reminded her the need to smell good, this, I mean even down there should smell good to activate my libido. My wife was arguing and the response left me puzzled, I thought maybe I insulted her. We slept, the following morning I asked her whether what I mentioned last night was demeaning to her. My wife kept arguing…. statements such as ‘if I die today, I can see you will get another woman in a short while.’ ‘You do not appreciate my efforts’……….. Really?
Borrowing Shimumbi’s words, I once told her in the house, please try to dress a bit ‘loud’, that is, scantily dressed to help me keep your figure in my mind to think of you. We have been married for 15 years and my wife continues to undress herself in the blanket. She continues to justify her actions that its cold and she easily gets cold. My wife is a hard worker but she is so unromantic even when you tell her what to do, she will have her own opinion and not listen to you. These other things I have managed to put up with them but arguing is not for me. This has frozen me completely; I got depressed for the whole of last week. I couldn’t come to terms with what she said. I was wondering, women ‘normally’ want approval, admiration and attention of their husbands and I am trying to give her the tip of my heart’s desire but I am getting this negative and unapologetic response, why? How do I help her see she is killing my love for her?
I am a strong believer and I am an elder in a religious organization. I have used the Bible; publications, name it but hmmmm kaya, it keeps surfacing again and again.
Your suggestions please, save someone
CPM
Dear CPM,
Most people feel uncomfortable bringing up issues related to personal hygiene, for some obvious reasons. The fear that the other person might be hurt, humiliated, or offended and therefore, suffer in silence.
It’s easier to tell children not to poke their nose or put their fingers in their mouth afterwards than to discuss personal hygiene as Africans especially with a spouse. As we insist on hand-washing to children as soon as they walk into the house or soon after using the bathroom and we expect adults to do such with ease.
Finding an adult with poor hygiene, makes one question their upbringing. Personal hygiene in a relationship is very important. As people date, they always take a bath and groom themselves before a link up. Now in a relationship like a marriage, you are always with that person so others who would only clean up before a date tend to relax their guard and show their true colours of only bathing when going for work or church meetings and forget that even at home, they need to be clean. I’m reminded of a lady who was asked by the husband to say, “nishi ayo yene ama wigs mufwala ku nchito, nishi tabapanga aya pa nganda?” meaning those wigs you wear to work, are there are no wigs for home? This man was simply trying to tell his woman that the wife shouldn’t simply just look good when going to work but must look good when she’s home as well. We know us ladies are culprits of wearing the wig as we leave home and taking it off as soon as we get into the cars to drive back home.
When criticised over our personal behaviour, like hygiene, we feel so bad we deny and continue on as usual. In other words, we deny the validity of the complaint, and go into denial. Spouses should take criticism on personal hygiene seriously. Communication in a relationship is vital and someone who makes the effort to bring out an issue such as personal hygiene cares for you. In as much as it hurts, we need to reflect and see the changes we can make. The challenge with most people is that we struggle to speak our minds because of our upbringing.
You will find that as people are dating, individuals put in effort when they meet for dates but these efforts are not there in marriage. A man will drop his socks and boxers anywhere in the house, while some women can be a bit careless with disposal of sanitary pads. Some men will use the bathroom and splash urine everywhere such that you would think it was a sprinkler in the bathroom. Worse of all, some will not even have the decency to clean a bathtub after use. And while on this matter, could those men who are culprits of not doing a thorough wiping after bathroom use, please repent. Some wives fail to speak up when washing your boxers. As for the women, let’s train our young boys to thoroughly wash their undies and clean their genitals well so that when they are husbands, they will not make give headaches to someone’s daughter. And women must train their daughters to discard used disposable menstrual products properly.
Please men, you married your woman to be a wife not your toilet or bathroom cleaner. The bare minimum you can do, is clean up after using the bathroom and she can do a thorough clean up afterwards. After all, in most instances, you are both rushing to go for work and she has other duties of ensuring lunch boxes and kids are ready for school.
Personal hygiene plays a big role in marriage as it can be a turn off when someone is dirty and smelly. A bath at the end of the day is important to take away the day’s sweat and to give one a good sleep. If you notice your spouse doesn’t like showering at the end of the day, invite them in a nice way to take a shower with you, make it a romantic one such that you will not have yours until they join you, that way, you are encouraging them to wash up at the end of the day. For example, when you’re in the shower together, it could be an opportune time to mention that you love when his/her body feels clean and help scrub each other, thereafter, help each other apply oils or lotion.
Good personal hygiene is about keeping your body clean. It also helps to protect you from getting infections such as gastroenteritis, colds and flu. Washing with soap removes germs that can make you ill. Having good personal hygiene will also help prevent you from spreading diseases to other people.
Personal hygiene includes:
• cleaning your body every day
• washing your hands with soap and water after going to the toilet
• brushing teeth
• covering your mouth and nose when sneezing or coughing
• washing your hands after handling pets
Good personal hygiene is important because not only does it stop you from getting sick, it also helps stop you from spreading germs. If soap and water aren’t available, you can always use hand sanitiser.
Bad breath can be a serious turn off in relationships, one might think their spouse is not into kissing but really the problem is the bad breath that is being avoided so let’s make a habit of brushing at least in the morning and before bedtime with a soft toothbrush and some toothpaste. Chewing cloves also improves one’s breath. And to those who are smokers, invest in some mouth wash as you retire to bed.
Ladies and gentleman how you smell affects intimacy and it also affects how close someone wants to be around you. The effort we put in during our courtship days should not stop. Almost everyone will admit to bathing before a date and spraying some perfume or applying a good lotion. Maintain the routine in marriage. And if your spouse has dropped their guard, buy them a good lotion or perfume and tell them it reminds you of your dating days.
To women, during that time of the month, be vigilant in showering and change your pad or tampons regularly. Please remember that perfumes don’t mask odors. Do not use perfume in the place where simple washing needs to be done. In the same lines, please do not wear the same bra daily. Bras are to cover our breasts and if you sweat under your breasts and keep wearing it often all you are doing is holding odors as well.
To the men, don’t wait for your wife to remind you to change the boxer. What if she’s working out of town? A boxer is to be changed daily and so is a vest.
So, to Mr. CPM, develop a culture of showering with your wife in the evening by asking her to join you, scrub her back and apply oils or lotion each other. Buy her sweet-smelling perfumes that you will enjoy. Fifteen years in marriage, you should be able to discuss openly issues of intimacy and personal hygiene. Good luck!
Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!
