I DIDN’T go for the funeral because I hate that part when someone has to stand up in church and explain the cause of death.

Quiet frankly fellas, I am still not sure if what’s funny is the Mpongwe man dying during sex or the police confirming that he died during the first round.

But without straying into the risk of incompetently analysing death, may I ask why it is really necessary to explain to a funeral gathering how our relative died, as if it matters.

I mean, it’s not like if we tell you that he died in a car accident you will stop driving; or if we tell you that he died from the first round of sex then you will start jumping straight into the second or third to avoid the lethal first round.

Anyway, so a man in Mpongwe died during sexual intercourse with his lover last week. And sorry it had to be a Phiri, but who gives a rat’s behind what tribe he was? It’s not like a Kalaluka, a Hang’andu or a Chiluba can’t die the same death – this is Africa, even sex screws us.

And as if that is not embarrassing enough, when we get screwed to death, police come over to give a detailed forensic report of how it actually happened.

Charity KATANGA: “The woman came all the way from Luwingu to visit her lover. So on the material day, they were having sex and Mr Phiri complained that his heart was beating too fast and that he had a headache. I’m told it was during the first round when he dropped dead.”

If there is one person who hates boring news more than me, it must be Charity Katanga. Madam Katanga is my kind of Inspector General who likes an extra detail to the story for the sake of imagination, and that’s what news is all about.

Remember last time she told us that the ZCTU secretary general Cosmas Mukuka was sexually harassing Beatrice Mwila Yevuka? That wasn’t enough she had to add “I am told the last time they had an encounter he inserted his fingers into her private parts.”

But coming back to dropping dead; how did the Copperbelt police command know that it was in the first round? I am certain that if the police has wired CCTV camera’s to sexually active homes to monitor bedroom activity in the province, that facility does not reach as far as Mpongwe.

So who told you madam Katanga, because that person must have been within spitting distance from where this was happening to know for a fact that the man actually dropped from somewhere.

You can’t tell me that the poor woman who traveled all the way from Luwingu was stupid enough to tell you this story. But again knowing Luwingu women and their men, it’s possible that this woman probably thought if she told the police that it was in the fifth round, they would accuse her of murder.

So she opted to blame the tragedy on round one to make my poor brother from Vulamukoko village look like he went to battle armed with nothing but a corn puff.

That’s it for today