When Sibe opened up to her aunt who was a mai busa (pastors wife), about her problems in her new marriage, she was advised to fast as queen Esther did. When she opened up to her elder sister, she was told to turn the kids playroom into a war-room (a room of prayer). When she confided in her closest friend at her workplace, she friend told her “all marriages are like that.” She finally found the courage to open up to her mother who in turn called elderly women to counsel her. To Sibe’s surprise, the elderly women had drums ready for her, it was another session of bedroom lessons. And an emphasis on the fact that “mukazi sa kwatiliwa katatu,” (a woman doesn’t get married more than twice). This was Sibe’s second marriage, her first marriage ended barely after 5 years. She stayed single for another five years and raised her son alone till she met Bob who swept her off her feet. She had vowed not to get married again after the agonies she had gone through in the first marriage, but her own mother was against the idea of just dating a man and not marrying him. Besides, Bob wanted marriage and he had made it clear to Sibe’s siblings who in turn had hinted to their mother that Sibe was refusing to settle down. Being an obedient child, she harkened to her mother’s advice and agreed to get married again. Bob was a darling, he loved and treated Sibe’s son like his own, the only challenge was his temper. In their dating days, Bob would retreat into a cocoon when they had a misunderstanding. He would stay quiet for days and come back as if nothing had happened. Sibe now recognised that the cocoon retreat was a red flag she ignored. The reason for her first marriage ending was the unbearable cheating that her first husband put her through. She was the laughingstock of her neighbourhood as her ex-husband could not see a skirt in sight without going after it and what made it unbearable was when he turned to going after all the maids she hired. She had reached a point of considering hiring male helpers and this was when her husband started going after her female relatives who were dependants and this was the last nail on the marriage.
When she sat down with the marriage counsellors, she expected the women to ask her what was going on in her marriage, instead, they told her she was going to revise her marriage lessons and do a refresher course in dancing. Sibe though disappointed, obliged and attended the lessons faithfully which lasted a month and were held every weekend. At the end of the month, some of her mother’s friends and aunties were invited to her mini chezela where drinks and food were served. A week later, Sibe still troubled went back to her mum for a woman to woman talk and her mum just bluntly told her to say, mwana wanga, “Shipikisha, ndiye chikwati chamene ichi.” What Sibe’s mum didn’t know is that her daughter was not just having marital problems but was being abused, verbally and physically.
Sibe was a director in a big institution, she was the one supporting her household financially but it was something outsiders did not know. She bought the cars he drove, paid school fees and paid all the home bills. When they got married, he was doing his duties and footing 80% of the bills but there was a period when he lost his job and was home for a year and a half. During that period, Sibe was promoted and took up the role of breadwinner. Bob, seeing his wife manage the home made him reluctant in his job hunt and somehow got comfortable since all expenses were being met at home and completely abandoned browsing through job adverts. He slowly started hanging out at the local happening joint in town, where he claimed he was getting deals for business and demanded he needed to be using his wife’s newest vehicle for people to take him seriously as a businessman which she didn’t deny. So, every weekend, they switched vehicles for him to look the part of a well to do businessman. The only sad thing was her car would have no fuel come Monday morning and she never understood why or how even when she had a full tank Friday evening. From then, he now started demanding that she alone, cooks his meals; this was hard. Getting home on time was a challenge due to traffic and her director position meant she put in extra hours. Her husband used it as a weapon to stay away most evenings since she was not home in time to prepare dinner. And the first time she brought up the issue of him staying out late during weekdays, she never saw it coming but he gave her a hard slap that she bled in her gums. This was the beginning of the beatings, every time she tried to have a conversation that involved him doing things which were not the norm, she got a serious beating and the next day, she would find roses in her car seat and a box of chocolate. Sometimes he brought them to her workplace, and everyone thought she had a really romantic husband. As someone who worked in a top job that interacted with security wings, she often wondered what her subordinates would say if she reported the matter to the Police. She couldn’t figure out whom to tell that she was being slapped every time she tried questioning her husband’s behaviour and his new trends which didn’t seem healthy. At this point, he was there as a father to their kids but as an abuser to her. She reached a point where she stopped questioning him over anything. No matter what time he got home, she would put a small pot of nshima as he demanded it, “fresh hot nshima.”
Sibe remembered reading a piece of writing somewhere that said; “be careful when you do too much for people, they start loving your hand and not your heart.” She blamed herself for applying for the promotion as she remembered that things were okay when she didn’t have that much money and they were struggling financially. Sometimes, she contemplated quitting her job that maybe it would give Bob his esteem since she wasn’t the one making the money.
Why does Sibe stay in an abusive relationship? Because she wants the father of the children around and wants to keep the family together? Is it because she doesn’t want society to call her a failure for a second time since her first marriage ended? The man society sees on Sunday mornings at church is the same man who beats her every Friday and Saturday evenings and has now resorted to hitting her back knowing very well that people will not easily see the scars on the back. Her pastor told her to not lose faith, she needed to make this work, so did her own mother. She needed to pray, fast, bath more and maybe improve her looks and upscale her bedroom skills, this is the reason the mother found her the elderly women to give her a refresher marriage fast-track course.
Where does Sibe draw the line? When is enough, enough? Is it worth leaving over the scars on her back as he promised to kill himself if she ever left him? Is it worth staying in an abusive relationship for fear of what society will say and for the kids having a daddy around?
We need to stop blaming women who stay in the name of Shipikisha and start supporting them to enable them see the need to say no to abuse. Many questions people ask is why would a highly educated woman stay, “why doesn’t she leave?” We need to support and empower women to make the best decision while holding abusers accountable for their behaviour.
“Shipikisha club” is the acceptable belief that marriage is a roller coaster and that one has to endure all the hardships and cannot leave, no matter the circumstance. Majority of its members are the women but it does have a few male folk. Take Hibeelo, for example; a man who is also in his second marriage. His first marriage ended after he caught his wife red handed in bed with another man. He re-located to a different town to run away from the shame and met a beautiful woman at church whom he married after a year. Little did he know that he was marrying a drunkard who hid the fact that she could not go to bed without alcohol. And so, five years down the line, Hibeelo is the one that starts his day at 05 hours to prepare his children for school as his wife always oversleeps, he is responsible for the school lunches and dressing his children. He also ensures his children are fed in good time in the evenings and hence has no social life but rushes home immediately after work to ensure he feeds his children. Whenever he leaves those tasks to his wife, socks would be missing, and the kids would go to bed on hungry stomachs. His wife also has a habit of wetting the bed especially on weekends and so, he quickly throws the beddings in the machine to avoid his sons knowing that mummy wets the bed. Hibeelo lost custody of his other children from the first marriage and was not about to let himself be separated from these ones from the second marriage. This was something his mother and family didn’t understand when they advised him to leave his wife. And so, even as a man, he chose to shipikisha. Besides, he felt that society would label him as the problem if he had a second failed marriage and he could not imagine a life away from his lovely boys.
The fear of being labelled a failure in a community makes the victims stay in abusive marriages and the poor victim facing the abuse becomes the one apologising and blaming herself for pushing the man to act the way he does all because society is teaching her that she has the power to control her husband’s behaviour. Being controlled and hurt is traumatising, to a point where an adult fears questioning or asking, knowing it will bring her a beating. And so, a victim fears and blames herself for triggering the violence. She begins to lose her self-worth and home stops being a place of tranquillity. Exposure to emotional and physical abuse leaves a deep impact on one’s subconscious and can make one believe they don’t deserve anything good in life. As most mothers put their children first, sacrificing their own safety, women stay and endure the abuse and in the name of wanting the children to have a father around. Other women who grew up in homes where their mothers were hit by their dads see nothing wrong with physical abuse. Some women hope their abusers will change one day, they feel they have invested a lot of time and effort in the relationship and hope all the pain will be worth the chance at happiness. And when someone has been abused for a long time, they begin to doubt themselves and believe they are the wrong ones who compel the abuser to do wrong things to them, they begin to analyse themselves from the abuser’s perspective. The fear of ruining the family reputation and social standing in society, makes victims suffer in silence. The embarrassment of sharing the truth with anyone and being judged and blamed for their partner’s actions makes victims stay quietly in abusive relationships. The fear of being alone and losing their social group makes endurance easier as a victim of abuse. For many victims of abuse who had difficult relations with their parents in early childhood which was probably a neglectful one or an abusive one, it makes someone develop an unhealthy attachment style that leads to unhealthy relationships as an adult.
Older generation of our mothers believe women can fix a damaged man, love him enough, he will change and you will be happy. Unfortunately, no adult changes unless they want to. No amount of love will stop someone from being abusive and staying in the hope that they will change, never works.
No one is immune from an abusive relationship, it’s not just physical, it could be sexual, verbal or emotional abuse. It’s important to recognise if you, someone you know, might be in an abusive relationship so that steps are taken to get them out or stop the abuse by making one’s emotional and physical safety a priority and supporting someone whether they choose to stay or leave.
To everyone that is approached for help, seriously tackle the root cause of the marital problem and not just advise someone to shipikisha, marriage is meant to enjoyed.
Any names or resemblance to actual persons in this article is purely coincidental.
Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!
About the author
Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.
Email: [email protected]
