Dear Aka-Monde,
Am a lady aged 27 and was recently engaged on my birthday. Plans are underway for my man to reach home and bring tumbale (dowry), next month in September after dating for 3 years.
The problem started when we had a send-off party for a colleague who retired and my car was down. So, I asked my man to pick me up after the party. I didn’t realise he was around as he came much earlier than the agreed time, and he watched me dance with workmates which included the retiree and other males. As we got into the car, he was too quiet and when I tried to enquire if he was ok since he wasn’t talking, he shouted at me and called me a B**! I was in shock and didn’t say anything as I got off at my flat. I didn’t say bye and he followed me into the house where he accused me of dancing seductively with my workmates and to be honest, I didn’t dance seductively and didn’t understand his jealousy.
Well, I have been working out lately because I want to be ready for our wedding so my body is really properly toned, he actually stopped me from going to a normal gym and I now work out from home. When I tried to explain myself, all I felt was a terrible pain which was very hot on my face. He slapped me so hard and told me to start behaving like a wife material. I rushed to the bathroom because I had blood coming out of my mouth and this seems to have scared him a bit, so he came to help me out and apologised. I asked him to leave and he came back to apologise the next day and we made up.
The problem is am scared, I have never seen that side of him and I haven’t shared this with anyone. Was this a once-off slap? Do I tell my mum or sisters? I know mum will say don’t marry him. He has assured me it’s because I am very beautiful and so he felt jealous seeing me dance with other men. Do I go ahead and let his people to ask for my hand in marriage? At 27 years, am the only one in my group not married and should I lose this opportunity to get married? He is a good guy but I just never expected him to hit me.
Hit-fiancée.
Dear Hit-fiancée,
Thank you for reaching out.
What does one do when someone you love crosses a line and hits you for the first time? It starts with a raised voice, a few insults, a slap and finally beatings that can land you into a hospital. Sometimes a fist, slap or beating can emanate from a trivial disagreement on whether bread was bought, tap was closed or forgetting to switch off lights. After the assault, comes the apology that it will never happen again. The blaming it all on stress, work pressure and anything else one can think of. In this case, my dear, you were to blame for being you, beautiful as you are. At 27, you are still young, don’t ignore red flags and treat them as roses because you want to be a Mrs Somebody.
Having worked with law enforcement in the past, I will tell you that bringing domestic violence to the attention of the police helps both the victim and perpetuator and saves lives. A perpetrator of domestic violence when confronted by the police chooses to change for fear of saving jail time. The fear of jail becomes a motivation for change. I often advise victims of domestic violence to take a drastic step, the first time it happens. Go to the police and report, proceed to the hospital and take back the medical report to the police and allow them do their job of bringing in the perpetrator.
A first slap, punch or beating, is a clear sign that you are not safe and if no drastic measure is taken, the abuser will conclude he/she can get away with it in future. I have written to he/she because even some men are at risk of physical abuse. Although a lot of men choose not to report their injuries for fear of society looking at them as weaklings, which is very wrong.
Most victims of violence tend to blame themselves for the abuse thinking that if they had not upset their partners or spouses, they would not have been at risk. Some couples fail to separate even when there is violence because they want to score, waiting for an opportunity to revenge and such couples often end up committing murder. Some couples stay in abusive marriages due to financial attachments and others stay for fear of society looking at them as failures thereby enabling the violence to continue. Whatever reasons spouses give for remaining in a violent relationship does not justify the risks taken.
An angry outburst is a moment of temporary insanity can turn from verbal to physical in a flash. A red flag such as one shown by your fiancé of hitting you because you danced at a work party should not be treated like a rose, it’s a sign of danger. Not only did he verbally abuse you by calling you the ‘B’ word, but he also went on to further become physical. Ask yourself this question, when he is legally your husband, what more will he do to you? A man in courtship often acts like a politician, this is a stage he will promise you heaven in Zed and even treats you better than on your honeymoon but if in that stage he insults you and hits you, then the future is doomed.
Taking a step away from the relationship or environment is the best thing. You needed time away from him to evaluate the situation, the goal is to allow your emotional temperature to cool down. Begin to reflect on the incident, take a step back and have an honest reflection on the incident. Reflection allows you to assess the gravity of the situation, it doesn’t mean justifying or accepting the violence. It’s about making informed decisions on the health of your relationship and your well-being.
Further, communicate your feelings once your emotions have calmed down. At this stage, it’s not about finger pointing who is wrong but expressing your feelings in a way that will promote understanding. Use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings e.g. “I felt hurt and scared” instead of “You shouldn’t have hit me.”
Meanwhile, set clear boundaries for the future, it’s crucial to establish clear boundaries. Articulate what behaviours are unacceptable and consequences for crossing the boundaries. Setting clear boundaries is about self-perseveration and be firm in upholding the boundaries which must not be negotiable. Declare your needs and expectations in the relationship which will help you create a safe environment.
A relationship must not feel like a war-zone, you deserve to feel safe, respected and loved. To those in marriages where they are facing abuse, either verbally or physical, it’s not too late to set up measures to stop the abuse. Put aside the fear of letting relatives know that your marriage is not rosy and engage them. Call for family meetings from both ends and let them know you have an abusive spouse and make it clear that the next step is reporting to the police when an incident occurs.
Your health and life are in your hands, so take action and remember you are raising generations that are looking up to you and if you allow children or dependants to grow up seeing the abuse, then you are raising the next generation of victims or perpetrators of abuse.
Finally, nobody should ever hit you more than once, meaning that a first time should be a dealbreaker!
Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!
About the author
Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.
Email: [email protected]
