Dear Aka-Monde,

GA

Dear GA,
To many couples, the idea of polygamy cannot come naturally as a topic of discussion even though as Zambians we have come to love the television series ‘Mpali’.

You seem not to have healed from your wife’s flirting as you mentioned that it left you scarred. Did you ever fully discuss her flirting with workmates and tell her how it made you feel? Choosing to forget sometimes doesn’t help, but talking about it and forging a way forward to rebuild the trust and confidence in each other does.

Your wife’s relatives have no right to put a tag on you and perpetually call you a cheating husband. No one has a right to label anyone anything. All humans make mistakes, and we can all learn from our mistakes. The next time someone calls you that, tell them to stop and if they continue, avoid them and let them know why.

Back to the elephant in the room, you have not mentioned the kind of marriage you have with your wife. Kindly note that the Zambian Law recognizes two kinds of marriage; Statutory marriages under the Marriage Act and customary marriage under different customs that may vary from tribe to tribe. Polygamy is not allowed for those married under the Marriage Act. It is a criminal offense (bigamy) for a person married under the Act to undergo a marriage ceremony whilst legally married to another person. Customary law marriages are potentially polygamous. Whether a man needs consent of his existing wife or wives before taking another wife or wives depends on the customs governing the marriage.

Women tend to have a different set of concerns than men when it comes to having a polygamous relationship. She may have never paid attention to the subject of polygamy outside of it being a part of a series she watches on Zambezi magic. Her first instinct will likely be that you want to replace her, don’t love her, or aren’t satisfied in your relationship. Obviously, you need to take great effort to avoid hurting her feelings and introduce the concept of polygamy marriage slowly to see what her real thoughts are when given time to consider them on her own.

She needs time to develop her own ideas on the subject without the emotional interference or insecurities that can be introduced by suddenly finding that you want a second wife. Remember, you made a mistake by going this far down the road by having a child outside wedlock and in your thinking about polygamy without involving her.

The idea of polygamy may not be something that’s easily talked about and may even come as a shock to your partner when it’s first brought up. Maybe you both have strictly monogamous backgrounds and the idea of sharing a spouse had previously been completely foreign to you both. It can be difficult to bring up the topic of polygamy with your spouse if you’re not sure how they will react, but it is possible to have a productive conversation if you approach it in the right way.

The key here is not to just bring up polygamy marriage talk on them out of nowhere. It’s important to take your time in introducing the concept and give them room to process their thoughts and feelings about it. This can be a sensitive topic for many, so approach it with caution and care.

Bring up the topic gradually, for instance, start by watching a series such as Mpali together and ask her how she feels about polygamy in general. See if she has any preconceived notions or judgments about it. From there, you can share your own thoughts and feelings on the subject.

Discuss polygamy casually. Once the subject has been introduced, it’s easier to discuss it in casual conversation. For example, you can mention an article you read about polygamy or a conversation you heard about it on the radio. This will help normalize the topic and make it less taboo.

Be honest about your feelings. Since you confessed about the other child, it’s important to tell your wife how you feel about your child being raised outside wedlock. It’s important to be honest about how you’re feeling and your interest in exploring the possibility of a polygamous relationship, let her know and explain why you’re drawn to the idea.

It’s just as important to listen to your partner’s thoughts and feelings on polygamy as it is to share your own. They may have strong reactions or they may be more open-minded than you expected. Either way, it’s important to give them the space to share their thoughts and feelings without judgment. This will help them be less reluctant to share their more personal feelings on the subject and will help you both approach the idea together.

Don’t forget to keep communication open in your relationship overall. This is important on any topic but especially when discussing something as sensitive as polygamy. Make sure that you are both able to express your thoughts and feelings freely without fear of judgment or retaliation. If you can do this, you will be much more likely to reach a mutual understanding and respect for each other’s views.

This seems obvious, but it is so often overlooked even in monogamy. Take the time to realistically consider what you need in a relationship, polygamous or otherwise. This is not just a matter of what you find attractive in a partner, or how you want your life to be, but what you need emotionally and physically on a deeper level.

Even as you consider making your baby mama a second wife, you will need to consider what her role will be within your family. Will she be an equal partner? Will the sister wives have somewhat separate relationships with you, will you put them in the same home? What about the investment you acquired with the first wife in the 12 years? It would be unfair to make the first wife share equally with the baby mama if she became a second wife. The second wife would have to start from scratch. And what about the new wife’s relationship with your family or kids?

Have realistic expectations of polygamy. One of the biggest challenges in polygamaous relationships is managing jealousy. It is important to remember that each person is unique and has their own needs and wants. Just because you are in a polygamous marriage does not mean that you will never feel jealous. Jealousy is a normal emotion, and it is something that you will need to work on together as a team. Another challenge in polygamy is dealing with outsiders. Not everyone will understand or accept your polygamous lifestyle and you may find yourself having to defend it to family, friends, or even strangers. It’s important to remember that you are not obligated to explain your relationship to anyone, but if you do choose to, be prepared for some difficult conversations.

In polygamous marriages, the first wife usually experiences ‘the first wife syndrome’. Losing her place in life. Any woman that agrees to marriage assumes she will be the only woman in the man’s life. She entrusts great value, her future and affection knowing the man is the centre of her world and she is his all. No woman wants to lose her husband to another woman and this emotional sense of impending loss is closely similar to losing a dear one to death. A woman will feel a sense of failure as a good wife and feel she is being discarded for a newer model. She will feel that the new wife will be younger and more attractive, and this is after she devoted her youth and energy to a man who now chooses to discard her. Such a woman will respond by desolation, hopelessness, and a broken spirit. And her other reaction can be rebellion, by resisting and fighting that the new marriage doesn’t take place. These feelings are normal feelings that any woman will experience. And sometimes, the extreme would be the first woman would suspect that the new wife has charmed the husband using juju and she would also want to charm him back, thereby the man finds himself a lab-rat of being fed all sorts of herbs by the first wife and once the second wife who was not using any juju notices the lack of attention, she might be pushed to charms as well to win back her love, and so begins the battle of love portions.

One of the key issues in a successful marriage is trust and security that a wife has in her husband. When a new wife is brought in, the first wife usually feels insecure and her whole safety is undermined. She will begin to question the integrity of her husband, his reliability and love. This insecurity will make her pull away from him and push her seeking comfort from friends and thereby making her vulnerable. A woman’s heart is designed to value the very things that a polygamous marriage threatens and so this reaction of first wife syndrome is normal.

Our African culture allows polygamy but let’s remember that culture is what you grow up with and we are responsible for our own decisions. If you did not grow up in a polygamous environment, and only see polygamy on TV, there is no way you can be claiming it to be a part of you. Even though this subject can be a controversial topic, it doesn’t have to be a taboo subject in your relationship. By approaching it in the right way, you can have an honest and open discussion with your spouse about your feelings on the subject.

Your wife is a human being with feelings and if she will disagree with you marrying your baby mama, give her time and respect her decision. Any woman who truly respects and loves her man is bound to be hurt by the idea and thought of a second wife. And in any case, how confident are you that you could do this fairly and equitably? Ultimately marriage is about trust, and do you really feel that what you are proposing is likely to promote that?

Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]