Dear Aka-Monde,
I appreciated your article on shipikisha, it’s really sad that marriage or relationship has lost its meaning.
My scenario is different.
I had a child with a woman I found, but before she had a child, I helped her to do distance learning and she managed to get a diploma and she was employed. After being employed, she cut communication with me, and told me she had an ex who had gotten in touch with her and wanted to get back together. What surprised me was how they had been in contact while she was with me for 4yrs. Later I received a text. She was no longer interested in our relationship. I’m a person that doesn’t like to argue or force things. However, I have continued to support my daughter through her family. But what annoys me is how fast the money I send finishes. I can’t get the girl since she is still young. But when I ask them to make a budget for her school feeding and everything, am given a big bill and I expect it to last the month. A week later, the girl says food is finished.
I started dating a very good woman I met, she has one child and is a Christian. I encouraged her to stop selling in the shop and go to college. She didn’t do well in some subjects and I paid tuition so she could rewrite. She did clear and now she is doing nursing. Am paying for everything. She completed her first year with minor issues, as you know people tend to change when they go to college.
This year in her second year, she changed. I started seeing photos of her on her WhatsApp status partying with college friends and her academic has gone down. She started failing courses. When I advised her to stop following friends to the places she was going to, she told me she needed to enjoy herself. And said she doesn’t stop me from enjoying. It’s my choice.
I’m not a party person, or someone that goes to clubs or stays out of 19hrs time frame I have made myself. Do you think am a bad person, or maybe I expect too much from people I date, or maybe I should just never upgrade a woman if I find her. I fail to understand. I let go of my baby mama, even when she tries to get in touch, I would rather I talk to her mom and the child since the girl is with her grandma. I know how manipulative she can be if you just allow her to talk to you.
But the current one, we are now two weeks without talking because I found out that she was actually outing when she was supposed to be writing her exams in anatomy. She is not a bad person, but she is a people pleaser and doesn’t know how to say no to people and I just discovered she enjoys outing a lot. But it’s coming at the expense of her school and our relationship.
Do I just give up, because I know she might also just use me and dump me after completing her college?
SL
Dear SL,
Thank you for reaching out.
It’s a good thing that you support your child and continue to do so even though it’s clear that there is something fishy that the money you send after receiving a month’s budget doesn’t last. There is a need to make it clear to whoever receives that money that they must use it for the intended purpose which is food for school for the child. Try to also find out if there is a feeding programme at your child’s school which you could pay for but this should not stop you from sending other financial obligations but it would lessen the frequent money requests.
It is perfectly fine for a man to support a woman financially with her college fees, even if they’re not married and you Mr. S.L., seem to have a blessed giving hand which people take advantage of. Many people choose to help their partners or friends with educational expenses. It’s important for both parties to feel comfortable with the arrangement and to have open communication about expectations and boundaries.
For one to stop being taken advantage of in a relationship, it is important that; you set clear boundaries by defining what behaviours are acceptable to you and communicate them firmly and respectfully.
Having been bitten once by your baby mama, you should be cautious with financial support by considering how and when you offer financial help. Avoid making it a default expectation in the relationship.
Learn to recognise red flags: Pay attention to patterns of behaviour that might indicate someone is taking advantage of you, such as being overly dependent or consistently expecting support. Communicate openly: foster a culture of honest dialogue in your relationship. Discuss your feelings and concerns regularly. It is important to know the person well before making significant investments, remember that even banks or employers want references so give it time before you start making financial commitments. Nothing wrong with sponsoring dates as that makes you a gentleman but this system of fully sponsoring girlfriends to college or university is not a good idea. One will end up pretending to love you when all they care for is your wallet.
You did not mention how long it took after the baby mama dumped you before you got into the new relationship. It’s always important to give yourself time to grieve. Give yourself time to feel the emotions—anger, sadness, confusion. It’s normal to have a mix of feelings after a breakup. Reflect on the relationship and think about what happened and why. Understanding the dynamics can help you find closure and sharing your feelings with a trusted friend or family member can also provide support and perspective. While in the grieving and healing process, focus on yourself by engaging in activities that make you happy or help you grow, like hobbies, exercise, or new projects. You have mentioned that you avoid contact with the baby mama which is a good thing as that sets boundaries in protecting your emotional wellbeing.
In whatever we go through, we must always learn from experience. Every relationship teaches us something. Reflect on what you want in future relationships. The fact that one woman (baby mama) dumped you after the financial support, you needed to be careful with supporting another woman who is just a girlfriend.
It is frustrating and hurtful to think that someone is taking advantage of you. There could be a few reasons this happens. I am hoping you did not share the story of how you supported the first girlfriend financially and she ended up dumping you. If you did, you showed your weakness to your current girl who now had financial expectations from you. And in some cases, some people exploit situations where one partner is more financially stable. Sometimes it’s just an issue of compatibility where a partner does not have the same values regarding money and support.
If you’re looking to establish more emotional boundaries in relationships, you must begin to reflect on your own needs. Understand why you want to reduce vulnerability and manipulation from a partner. Clearly define what you’re comfortable sharing and what you’d like to keep private and communicate these boundaries when necessary. Practice self-protection by being mindful about sharing personal thoughts or feelings until you feel more secure in the relationship. Build trust gradually and in this way, you can gauge whether the relationship is a safe space.
It’s completely normal to have fears about being dumped, regardless of gender. Acknowledge your feelings and realise that fear of rejection is a common experience. Allow yourself to feel those emotions without judgement. Communicate openly to your partner about your feelings. Honest communication can strengthen your bond and help ease your fears. Embrace uncertainty and understand that no relationship is guaranteed. Embracing this uncertainty can help you feel more at peace. Reflect on past relationships and consider what you’ve learned from previous experiences. This can help you grow and build resilience.
Deciding whether to give up on love is a deeply personal choice and can depend on many factors and it is important to:
1. Reflect on Your Experiences: Think about what you’ve learned from past relationships. Are there patterns you want to break, or is there something you would do differently next time?
2. Consider Your Feelings: Are you feeling burned out or genuinely ready to move on? It’s okay to take a break if you need it.
3. Assess Your Expectations: Sometimes, adjusting your expectations about love and relationships can lead to a more fulfilling experience.
4. Evaluate Your Relationship Goals: If you’re in a relationship, consider whether it aligns with your long-term goals. Is it healthy and mutually supportive?
5. Talk to Others: Sharing your thoughts with friends or a therapist can provide new perspectives and help you process your feelings.
6. Stay Open to Possibilities: Love can come when you least expect it. Staying open-minded can lead to new connections.
7. Prioritise Self-Care: Focus on your happiness and well-being, regardless of your relationship status. Building a fulfilling life on your own can create a solid foundation for future love.
Ultimately, the decision should be based on your emotional health and what you truly want. Whether you choose to give up or stay open to love, prioritising yourself is key. If something feels off, don’t ignore your gut feelings. Take time to reassess the relationship. Have a serious one-on-one chat with your girlfriend and let her know what your expectations her. Love shouldn’t hurt.
Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!
About the author
Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.
Email: [email protected]
