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Healthy testiclesBy Joseph Mwenda on 1 Nov 2016
I STILL don’t understand, how on earth we would confirm that Dr Canisius Banda’s testicles are healthy, just by looking at them.
And that’s not even my biggest problem; my worry is that if all the men have to show their testicles to the public to prove that they are capable of impregnating, our women would shy away.
Maybe that’s why HH must ignore GBM’s fat vulgar behind and appoint Dr Banda his running mate so that this mad scientist can buy us DNA test machine.
Anyway fellow voters, jokes aside, but in case you are behind. Dr Banda is angry because people are saying he doesn’t have healthy balls and therefore, there is no way he could have impregnated his woman.
In plain English, Dr Banda feels it’s unfair that GBM must get the credit of putting HH in pole position for State House when it is actually him who has toiled and sweated for UPND.
He is a poet, so whatever you do, don’t picture Dr Banda with a woman, it’s HH and GBM he is talking about.
Here it is.
Dr Canisius BANDA on Facebook: “They said that she was unapproachable; that she was unfriendly, arrogant, self-centred, opinionated and miserly.
Many men had made a pass at her and failed. They proclaimed. She was incapable of maintaining relationships, they said… and they avoided her.
So when I approached her they thought that I was bonkers. They mocked me that I had lost my mind.
How can such a handsome, well-educated young man with fine grooming like me be wasting my time and energies with such a difficult woman?
There was bedlam in the city. They were not only stunned but they were also thoroughly disappointed. They even stopped talking with me.
My eyes, devoid of prejudice, all I could see was a woman. She possessed all that was female. In her, I saw immense potential. I felt that she needed me to be complete.
And being a man, I knew exactly what role I would play in her life.
So when they saw us laughing together, they became speechless. They couldn’t believe what was happening. And when they saw us holding hands, walking together, oooh! It was an abomination.
And then something big happened. The unthinkable had become evident. They all saw the signs and symptoms. She was pregnant.
…and the gossip became hot and acerbic. It is NOT his, they said. It can’t be. Other people must have been involved. They concluded.
…you see, Pilgrim, I know that I am fertile. And I knew that the fruit the woman was about to bear was mine.
Though I am aware that she had slept with other men who earlier had only the deepest contempt for her, they had done it late, when she had already stopped her periods because of me. That pregnancy was mine, was not in doubt.
I had worked so hard, you see; moving those adept hips of mine. But those malicious creatures accused me of being barren. They said my organs were not suited to what the woman was now exhibiting. They shouted at the top of their voices that I was impotent. They even got some of my family members to say I was incapable of procreation, producing fruit.
They were unanimous that her heaviness with child was not a product of my toil and sweat.
…he doesn’t have balls this one, they publicly announced. I felt like showing them my healthy testicles but modesty stopped me. I was hurt.
This is how the nefarious community denied me parentage of my own child, my own fruit and other men had began to openly lay claim. Besides, they had louder voices.
…though she remained tight-lipped, whenever I looked at her she only had the warmest of smiles for me. Knowing.”
Dr Banda, chizungu sitilesa manje kalembedweeee!
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