Missing bullet

Kaizer Zulu with ECZ public relations manager Chris Akufuna

IT remains a mystery where this bullet came from, but one thing that is clear is that two gunshots were fired in the air at Chrismar and one of them is still missing.

At this stage, I can only warn you all that there is a stray bullet up in the air that is behaving like a missile, descending at lightning speed and can land anytime soon; please put on your helmets.

Elsewhere, Enock Kavindele Jr has finally gone to the police to withdraw the case against Kaizer Zulu after my President’s adviser assured him that he could put better things in his potbelly than a bullet.

Meanwhile, allow me to apologise to madam Inspector General of police for being so prejudice about the capacity of her officers.

I didn’t know that we have such dedicated forensic experts in the Zambia Police Service – thanks to this heaven sent bullet.

It was just like in the movies; these guys came clad in their fancy forensic coats, carrying cameras, Vanier calipers, perimeter tapes and other cool staff like that.

But forget what they were carrying; let me draw your attention to one of them who was doing a lot of talking than the rest.

This guy climbs the roof, spots where the bullet entered, comes down, shakes his head and starts his analysis:
“Iyi tuzaichita kuitana ba ballistics, chifukwa ioneka polopolo yangenela pamwamba. Elo situngakambe ati ni rifle iyai, but ioneka monga ni 9mm. Kaili polopolo ngati yangena mwamene yangenela pa angle iyi, chioneka yamenya mu pulanga then yakoneka so, ndiye pamene yachokela pa ceiling manje.”

I don’t have enough space, so I will only translate this second part of his analysis.

“Funso manje niyakuti, nanga polopolo iyi yachokela kuti? Chifukwa aba banthu bakamba ati sibananvele ndeke nangu chipakapaka kumbululuka mumwamba. But muziba futi muntu niovuta maningi, avomela kusanduka mfwiti nakubwela aliza polopolo ayenda. So tuzafunika kuchita examine mushe mushe, ngani ni mfwiti tuzachita analyse mfwitikali naife; mpaka tuzibe (The question that remains is where did the bullet come from? Because these people are saying they did not hear an aircraft or chopper flyby. But you know, human beings are difficult. Someone can turn into a wizard, come here and fire a bullet and disappear. So we will need to examine properly; if it’s a wizard, we will examine it witchcraftcally, until we know). Hehehehe!

I am not surprised that this guy even forgot his forensic number plate (or whatever it is called), stuck in the ceiling after the investigation finished.

Anyway, lets get to more serious news now. BBC called my President on Wednesday morning in New York, seeking an appointment for an interview so that they could ask him: “Don’t you feel depressed going back to your country after this UN summit?”

Of course my President humbly responded, “I am cool with the interview – anytime, anywhere.”

Right now my president is on the plane across the Atlantic sipping his happy juice on a comfy, chartered Bombardier Challenger, while BBC is still waiting for their Hard Talk interview. LOL

Dear BBC, here is the real hard talk from my President: “Sometimes people mistake the way I talk for what I am thinking.”

That’s it for today

Twitter: @jmwenda29
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Joseph Mwenda

About Joseph Mwenda

Joseph Mwenda is a Zambian journalist experienced in political news writing, photography and video editing.
Email: joseph [at] diggers [dot] news

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