WE will get to GBM’s insults later, but first I need your help fellow voters. You see, I was quick to tell my daughter that there is never a time when insulting is appropriate.
But now I am screwed because I didn’t realise that her school homework had a follow up question, which has boggled my mind.
DAUGHTER: “Daddy, since the devil comes to still, kill and destroy, is it okay to insult him?”
I tried to call my friend Fr Gabriel Mwanamwalye for help, but he told me that he could only answer that question if he met me in person because according to him, there are so many things that I need to understand first.
But the guy stays in Chongwe, so I don’t understand how he expected me to wait for him to finish his morning devotion and drive to Lusaka in that 1991 Catholic wreck of a Toyota Hilux. So help me fellow voters.
But please bear in mind that your answer will determine where I will sleep tonight because I have been itching to insult the devil of a landlord who owns my house.
I will explain later why I think my landlord is a devil, but for now let me tell you why GBM can insult for the entire duration of a soccer match without repeating a single insult.
GBM: “I use my f**king five brains.”
Now, just like GBM, I also don’t have a grade 12 certificate, so I am not competent to tell you what is wrong with having five brains, but somehow that makes me understand why he is so fat because you can’t keep five brains in one head.
Anyway people, get you bibles ready because you will need to confess your sins later after his Honour, the incoming vice-president of the republic, Mr Geoffrey Bwalya Mwamba finishes telling us why he will kick my President’s behind in August.
GBM: “Come August 11, you are gone. Muletila abena Zambia nabatemwa ifi mulebacusha nensala? What kind of government is this? Mwanya muleya! At the expense of Zambian’s imwe mulefwaya mulelya mweka? Bloody stupid, you fools! Mwe mbwa sha bantu. Why can’t you be like me? You fools! Bloody stupid! Use your f**king brain and make money. Ine that’s why I am not a slave to any President, I am not a slave to any government because I use my f**king five brains.”
I know these insults were tool much for one person to take, and GBM knew too; that’s why he specified the recipients.
GBM: “Imwe mwalibelela, nimwe ba Emmanuel Mwamba, nimwe ba Sunday Chanda, nimwe ba Chilufya Tayali. You stupid fools! Speak for Zambians, then we will respect you. Nomunobe Richard Sakala. Naaka akali ka Father [Frank Bwalya] you shameless idiots! Mwe mbwa shabantu. Mwanya muleya.”
Now, I think it’s wrong to insult a fellow human being and GBM must be condemned. But if I tell you about my landlord, you will understand why I told my daughter that it’s fine to insult the devil.
You see fellow voters, the agreement we signed with the devil of my landlord last year was that I was only going to stay in his house for a couple of years before I find permanent accommodation.
You know what the idiot has done? Conspired with my employer so that I lose my job, then we survive on my wife’s salaula business which can only afford to rent the same two rooms for the next five years.
Dear landlord stop depending on that stupid two rooms to exploit my poor family. GBM says: “use your f**king five brains and make money.”
That’s it for today