‘This Minister for Religious Intolerance, what’s her name?’said Sara
‘The Honorable Mrs Reverend Godfreak Suminishe,’ I suggested.
‘Yes, something ridiculous like that,’ said Sara. ‘What’s she up to? Peeping up other women’s skirts to see if they’re wearing panties! Has she gone mad?’
‘Maybe it’s because of her sexual orientation,’ suggested John. ‘Some women are extraordinarily interested in the genitalia of other women. It’s very common in the West nowadays, but I didn’t think it would ever happen here.’
‘At least she managed to get us into the international news,’ said Shupe. ‘The rest of the world hears about us only when we do something absolutely ridiculous, such as charging Ha Ha with treason for committing a minor traffic offence.’
‘But not wearing panties is not even a minor offence,’ said Sara. ‘In fact the Constitution guarantees freedom of movement, so throwing away panties might be a constitutional necessity.’
‘Anyway,’ I said, ‘Godfreak said she wasn’t the one who had Zodwa deported. She put the whole matter in the hands of the Naked Arse Council, which apparently is the body charged with licensing arses to be naked on special occasions.’
‘I don’t know if Godfreak knows this,’ laughed Shupe, ‘but we are all naked underneath our clothes. How can she accuse Zodwa of being naked when she was wearing a skirt? Zodwa might choose to wear panties to keep her booty warm, but surely she’s not supposed to wear panties to stop the Ghastly Godfreak from peeping up her skirt.’
‘Most of the women in this country do not wear panties,’ declared Sara. ‘They just wear chitenges, that’s all. They would never be able to have a pee in public places if they first had to take off their knickers.’
‘I wonder if Godfreak has ever read the Bible,’ I wondered. ‘The human race would never have begun if Adam and Eve had been wearing knickers. It was only when he saw her apple and she saw his snake that things got started.’
‘Just to change the topic,’ said John, ‘I wonder if the Queen of England wears knickers.’
‘Perhaps we could send Godfreak to go and take a peep,’ suggested Sara, ‘since she’s looking for things to do in her farcical job as Minister of Religious Intolerance.’
‘You may have a point there,’ I said. ‘The poor woman has had this job for over a year and she has no idea what she’s supposed to be doing. Maybe she’s suddenly had the idea of starting a war against women so that she can get into the political mainstream and have a programme of her own and …’
‘… and a budget from which she can steal,’ added John.
‘Exactly,’ I said. ‘Now if she starts a war against women, pulling down their chitenges to see if they are wearing panties, she would have the support of all the men in the cabinet.’
‘It would fit nicely into government policy,’ said Sara.
‘Would it?’ we all wondered.
‘Oh yes,’ said Sara. ‘The government declared a policy of finding employment for 500,000 youths, but two years have passed and they haven’t created a single new job. Now they suddenly have the opportunity to recruit an army of Pantie Faithful under the Ministry of Religious Intolerance.’
‘And where would all these Pantie Faithful come from?’ wondered Shupe.
‘Well obviously,’ said Sara, ‘they would all be recruited from the Panga Force thugs who have been largely unemployed since the great triumph of the last election. These thugs have always had a strong sideline interest in stripping naked any woman found wearing opposition party regalia. So now at last the Panga Force can use their previous training and be given legitimate government employment.’
‘In addition,’ suggested John, ‘they can be recruited into a new Pantie Search wing of the Immigration Department to peep up the skirts of women attempting to enter the country without panties.’
‘But wouldn’t this all be a very costly operation?’ asked John.
‘Not at all,’ replied Sara, ‘it could be very profitable.’
‘How?’ wondered Shupe.
‘Well,’ said Sara, ‘to fund the scheme, the government would take a $1 billion loan from the Chinese. The minister would buy panties from the Chinese at K1 a pair and sell to the PF thugs at K50 a pair. Women found without panties would be made to buy PF embroidered panties at K100 kwacha a pair in order to protect their honour.’
‘To protect their honour from whom?’
‘From the PF thugs, of course,’ Sara replied.
‘And this would all be part of a scheme to ensure Christian morality?’
‘Good gracious no,’ laughed Sara, ‘It would be a scheme to ensure Christian moronity.’
‘Would this be the first time such religious terrorism has ever been visited upon innocent women?’ wondered Shupe.
‘Of course not,’ Sara replied. ‘A similar scheme is currently being practiced by the Taliban in Afghanistan, where men stop women in the street and put their hands up inside the women’s burkas to check if they have shaved their pubic hair.’
‘Half a minute,’ said Shupe, who had been fiddling with her cell phone, ‘it says here that Godfreak has just been fired!’
‘What for?’ we all asked.
‘Because,’ laughed Shupe, ‘she was caught in the act of trying to find out whether Mr Jameson was wearing underpants.’