Everyone gets excited to hear the words, “I love you” especially when they are coming from someone who makes us feel warm and puts a smile on our face.

The topic of true love has been debated for centuries, most people say it only exists between parents and their children, siblings or between man and God and never between a man and a woman. Others simply describe love to be a verb and that those who claim to be in love are simply living in fantasy. Meanwhile, hopeless romantics think everyone should set out to find their soulmates because that feeling of being in love can make you immune to anything that not even the most dangerous venom can have no effect on someone deeply in love.

I asked a few friends on their thoughts about love:
Mwansa – “love exists but its misunderstood, abused and mismanaged. Between spouses, it requires submission which is difficult for a woman as this is her code of love. Selfishness is man’s core so when he’s selfless, he’s exhibiting love, without submission and selflessness, there is no love”.

Makungu – “there are couples out there that we look at and we can tell and admire that they are really in love but these are rare”.

Sandra – “true love is a decision we make daily to stay in it”.

Veronica – “love is a decision you make to person. It’s not a feeling or an emotion”.

Kapole – “for young people, it does, for adults who have been through a lot, it doesn’t”.

Mwambo – “love is funny, you can even love someone who wasn’t your type after constant communication”.

Purity – “true love exists when you know your worth”.

Christopher – “yes it does, it’s just not as perfect or anything like Hollywood portrays it to be”.

Brenda – “being in love is not real.. it passes very quickly and then you have to make a choice to love someone”.

Rabecca – “true love doesn’t seem to exist anymore, people are in relationships with mixed feelings”.

Winnie – “we fall in love with how our partners make us feel and we fall out of love for the same reasons”.

Ruth – “true love exists and it starts with you loving yourself enough to love others, we must learn to rekindle and nurture love”.

Celine – “in romantic relationships, there can be unconditional acceptance, so yes true love exists”.

Donald – “true love exists if nurtured by communication, emotional support and shared goals, as these are the elements of a lasting bond”.

Sydney – “one has to experience love to know it, particularly for first timers, it does exist and goes beyond into friendship, co-existence and family”.

Looking at the responses above, there are many concepts to love and how people view love differs with age but the one question that still remains is, “does true love exist?” Love covers a range of strong and positive emotional and mental states, from inspirational qualities to the deepest affection for simplest pleasure. A mother’s love differs from that of a spouse and at its highest level, it’s about human kindness, compassion and unselfishness. On the other hand, others look at love to represent pride and selfishness when it is self-love.
Ancient philosophers identified six forms of love, essential love, family love, friendly, romantic love or self-love, guest love and divine love.

Modern scientists believe that much of what we consider love is merely biological — a genetic/chemical influence at the core of our thoughts and feelings. It may be a waste of time to attempt to define love. “Love” is what it is. One could say that at the deepest level — to experience intimacy, passion, commitment, selfless sacrifice and detachment is to know love.

For couples to maintain closeness, they must be open with each other and give feedback without being defensive or discouraging. Listening attentively to each other and keeping a lively open atmosphere that allows new experiences such as making trips together. Couples must not wait for funerals outside their city for them to travel together or wait for church and family days to sit as a couple. They say charity begins at home and as adults if we are not honest with ourselves in our relationships, how do we expect to teach honesty to our children and dependants?

Affection is a huge part of how we express love. When couples cut themselves off to feelings of affection, that tends to kill the relationship. This weakens the spark between partners. Sexuality can become routine or impersonal, and as a result, both partners feel more distant and less satisfied. Keeping love alive means staying in touch with a part of ourselves that wants physical contact and is willing to give and receive affection. In a month such as this one, find time to rekindle the love. They say it’s the thought that counts, buy that rose or bouquet or a simple chocolate to let your loved ones know you care. Most brothers will spend on their girlfriends but once she becomes the wife, she’s ignored on special occasions. To those who will claim their faith does not support Valentine’s Day, pick an occasion such as an anniversary to just make your loved one feel wanted. It’s the little things that bring back the sparkle of love in a relationship. Allow your partner to be themselves, after all, it’s their personality that drew you to them so don’t change them. Always understand your partner from a clear point of view knowing and understanding that it’s two minds coming together and you will always be different. Sometimes the biggest obstacle to finding and maintaining a loving relationship is often us. We have to get to know what defences we bring to the table that wards off love. For example, if we grew up feeling rejected, we may feel anxious about getting too close to another person. We may not feel we can really trust or rely on a partner, so we either cling to that person or ward him or her off, both which lead to the same result of creating distance.

If we felt criticised or resented in our childhood, we may have trouble feeling confident or worthwhile in our relationships. We may seek out partners who put us down in ways that feel familiar, or we may never fully accept our partners’ loving feelings for us, because they threaten this early self-perception.

If we had an “emotionally hungry” parent, we may avoid intimacy altogether or we may subconsciously seek out people who depend on us to meet all their needs and more. Again, both of these extremes can lead to relationships that lack real closeness and intimacy.

The good news is we can start to break these destructive relationship patterns by better knowing ourselves and our defences. Why do we choose the partners we do? What are the qualities we’re drawn to – good and bad? Are there ways we distort or provoke our partner to act in ways that fit with our defences? How do we create distance? What behaviors do we engage in that may feel self-protective but actually push love away.

In rekindling love, be affectionate, find even the smallest ways to make contact and show affection and attraction. Make time to really talk and listen to your partner. Make eye contact, it sounds simple, but we often forget to just look at our partner. When was the last time you looked into each others eyes?

Make time and don’t stop doing the activities you loved to do together. Try something new. Don’t just fall into routine. Keep suggesting new activities and be open to ones your partner suggests. Break routine, if doing the same thing is deadening your excitement, be open to breaking the habit and making space for impulsiveness. Avoid passivity and control. Strive for an equal exchange of ideas. Take responsibility for your own actions and don’t try to control your partner.

Talk as an “I” instead of a “we”. Remember you will always be two separate people and not to overstep boundaries which diminishes attraction.

Do something independently. Just because you’re a couple doesn’t mean you have to do everything together. Don’t give up friendships and activities you enjoy on your own and don’t ask your partner to either. If he needs to play or watch soccer with his friends or meet for michopo or attend a “men’s conference,” let him be, just as he should let you meet up with the ladies for a “women’s retreat.”

Communicate what you feel. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Saying what you want and feel directly helps you avoid passive-aggressive or nasty ways of relating. It also encourages your partner to do the same.

Avoid the “tit for tat” mentality. Love is an action each of us must choose for ourselves. When we start measuring what we do for each other, we create expectations and breed resentment instead of staying in touch with how good it feels to be loving toward someone else.

Support the things that light your partner up. Never stop supporting and encouraging your partner to be the most alive and to do the things that make your partner feel the most like him/herself… even when those things aren’t what matter most to you. If motor sport is his thing or he wants to play video games, support him and he should also support you when you go out to help cook for Chilanga mulilo, tea or kitchen parties.

People think that love is a feeling, which is true, but those feelings only last so long. Doing things sustained by that feeling can only get people so far. True love is the active choice to continuously extend the same attention, interest, and prioritization to your partner when your feelings change as you would at the beginning when things were more fun and exciting.

Love is learning how to be vulnerable and effectively communicate your feelings. Love is showing gratitude for things your partner already does. Love is being curious about them, their opinions, and their perspective, especially if you think you already know them.

Don’t forget true love can exist outside of romantic relationships. It’s you and your friends hyping each other up in a group chat, a sibling who stands up for you, your mother, father uncle or auntie caring about you and your pet sensing that you had a bad day and curling up next to you.

People who don’t believe in love are just unwilling to give it a shot. Love doesn’t come easy; it catches you by surprise. If you look too hard, then you’ll miss it. It’s a strange thing, a powerful, and elusive emotion that only finds its way into your life when you look in the most unexpected places. So many things can go wrong, but, when love goes right, there’s nothing better. It can take many forms but it undoubtedly exists especially when you find the right companion.

I wish everyone finds true love and lots of love, that will stay with you till the end of time❤️.

Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]