A lot of debate in the past week on whether a woman who has a past (community project) can really change and turn into a decent married wife. It is alleged that old habits die hard and she will struggle with infidelity. And young single men were warned to marry such at their own peril.
Lozis call them “tusa bulozi,” it is said to be the oldest profession, so can a person who has worked as a prostitute or is famous for engaging in sexual activities with different men, absolutely change and settle down in marriage. Many factors influence this possibility, including personal desire for change, support systems, and opportunities for personal growth. People can evolve, learn from their experiences, and pursue healthier, more fulfilling lives. Relationships based on love, trust, and understanding can certainly flourish, regardless of someone’s past. What’s most important is the individual’s commitment to change and the support they receive from their partner.
When a spouse cheats does it mean they have always been a cheat? Not necessarily. Cheating can stem from various factors, including individual circumstances, relationship dynamics, or personal struggles. A person who cheats might not have a history of infidelity; they could be facing issues like emotional dissatisfaction, lack of communication, or external pressures. It’s important to understand the context and motivations behind the behaviour rather than labelling someone as inherently untrustworthy. Open communication and addressing underlying issues can be crucial in understanding and healing after infidelity.
The reason why others never completely leave the old life behind is, that life of quick easy money can be quite addictive. The combination of sex, love and big money – hit many different parts of the pleasure centres of the brain, at once and when a husband does not meet the physical and emotional needs expected in the relationship, one can begin to miss the old life and want to go back to it. So, it can be a hard business to leave but anyone who seriously seeks to create a new life and wants something decent can change.
In the Afrocentric teachings as a woman prepares to get into marriage, she is taught to be a “b****h in bed” with her husband. Why is this so? Because it is well known that sex workers will go to great lengths to please their clients who pay for the service. So, if a man comes across a woman who used to charge for sex, has changed and settles down, why not accept her as she is? Most men can admit that they love women who behave as B**** in bed, so accept her when she changes her life around and allow her to only be your B**** as you man up and be a provider, financially, emotionally and a good companion.
In the developed world, most prostitution is tied to the sex worker being a drug addict and needing money to pay for her/his addiction, while most people in developing countries turn to prostitution for survival, to be able to put children or siblings in school and have food on the table.
We must remember that even as we label her a prostitute, she’s first a human being then a prostitute. Prostitutes have been given a bad reputation in our unduly judgmental world. Maybe, she made a few bad choices from the start but everyone who is willing to make up for their past deserves a second chance and not to be sent to jail without a fair trial and condemned to say she will forever be a prostitute.
Sex workers, immersed in a world where the body becomes a currency, undergo profound transformations. It’s not just a physical change, but a transformation of the self, which can be likened to the chemical dependency seen in drug addicts. The big difference lies in the fact that while an addict can, in theory, completely distance themselves from substances, sex, as an intrinsic part of the human condition, is a need that cannot be escaped because it forms part of a healthy relationship. An alcoholic can stop drinking entirely, but asking them to only drink one glass daily for life would make it extremely difficult to end the addiction and maintain control. This reality gives rise to a dual addiction: to sex and money. Many claim their motivation is purely economic, but to make this profession bearable, they find pleasure in it instead of a daily hell. It’s a survival strategy, where some resort to drugs or the creation of a parallel identity that revels in unrestrained sex, supported by methods like hormones or alternative therapies. Although some manage to leave prostitution, returning to it under pressure and stress is a common pattern. At their core, marked by dysfunctional family experiences in childhood, prostitution becomes a persistent shadow, difficult to fade.
Prostitution is not just a profession; it’s a reflection of a series of deeply rooted social problems. In this job, the product sold is not an object or a service, but an intrinsic part of the self, a fragment of the soul, the most intimate thing a human being can share. The reality of these women mirrors a society still struggling to understand and address the complexities of sexuality, autonomy, and human dignity. So, in response to the debate, can a prostitute become a good wife? Of course, it’s possible, as where there is a will, there is a way.
Some supporters of the notation that a once a prostitute always a prostitute allude to the following;
1. They are used to earning lots of money really fast: If she’s a beautiful woman, she’s used to earning lots of money almost everyday, and when she quits and she starts working in something different or you provide for her, it will seem like too little money for her, even if it’s not.
2. They are used to spending lots of money on whatever they want: Since they make lots of money everyday, they are also used to spending it the same way, in clothes, jewellery, trips, restaurants, partying, providing money for their families, spoiling their children if they have any, on friends, etc. So she will probably spend all her money and yours as if her life depended on it, and without asking you, and if you complain she will start feeling frustrated. Money will never be enough for her. She will always need to spend more.
3. They are too focused on money; sometimes it is almost all they can think about: Since they work in that field for money, they are driven to money so they will need lots of it, and if you fail to provide her with everything she wants, or if she meets someone else who can provide her more, she will probably leave you, or go back to being a sex worker. You will notice her looking at expensive things, trips, jewels, celebrities and their way of life, and she will crave that and complain why she doesn’t have that kind of life. Their dream is to meet a very very rich man who can make her life luxurious.
4. They are too independent and don’t like asking for permission or opinions on whatever they decide: Since they have been on their own, and have made lots of money, and they are used to night life at clubs, and else, they feel they are being controlled or watched and feel frustrated or go ahead and do whatever they want and this will stir trouble in their relationships. This goes from spending money, giving money to relatives, spending time with friends, having too many friends, being flirty, cheating, and so on.
5. They are very likely to cheat: Since they are used to sleeping with several men without second thoughts, they are very likely to cheat as it is not a big deal for them; so if they like someone they will just go ahead and do it. Also, since they are used to receiving the attention of many men, they are flirty and now that they are in a relationship they start craving that attention, feeling sexy for many men, having sex with many men, feeling desired, receiving presents or money and else. They will text with men and cheat or continue working secretly every now and then, so it is very difficult.
6. Most likely they will have problems with alcohol or substance abuse.
7. They see men as sources of money so they are unlikely to respect you in any manner.
Some women who are or were in the sex business were in it for economic reasons. They may be single mothers with children who have the point of view, that they cannot give their children the education they deserve.
Since they do not have the education to make enough money, they decide to make money this way to pay for their daughter’s university.
Some women, with a background of intense sexual abuse and incest, after being abused, humiliated for years and raped by their fathers or family member that they trust, begin to regard themselves as sex objects.
They do not have any sense of self-worth left and they do not have healthy views on how men should treat women with respect. They usually hate themselves and blame themselves for the abuse.
Guilt is one of the most destructive after effects of incest. Since they regard themselves as “whores” anyway, they might as well get paid, so they believe.
Some women are in need of help to learn to trust men after having been raped and abused for years. Some will never ever be able to have a really intimate relationship with a man, because they have been so heavily damaged, that they do not trust any man.
Does prostitution make a person evil? No. If men stopped going out there looking for women to pay for sex, the prostitution business would run out. So, it’s a two-way game and for as long as there are men out there willing to pay for sex, the vice will never end. Just because the women do not disclose who their clients are for fear of losing business, it’s unfair that when they choose to stop the indecency and lead a normal life, they should be condemned for life. They say it takes two to tangle, the only difference is some men pay for their “community projects” with a hundred Kwacha note and other men pay for their “projects” by buying them a house and car!
As a Christian nation, may we be reminded of Rehab, a woman who was a prostitute and hid spies in the city of Jericho, an outcast in her city but a heroine and ideal model of faith, whose lineage points to the messiah. Further on, we have the prophet Hosea who married Gomer, a prostitute. So, if a prophet of God, can be commanded to marry a prostitute, who are we to say prostitutes are incapable of change unless we doubt the wondrous power of our creator?
Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!
About the author
Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.
Email: [email protected]
