Mutinta’s first heartbreak was as an 18-year-old girl. She was in love with George who meant the world to her. He was her first love, her first cut and she could never imagine life without him. One day as they were taking a stroll in the streets of Woodlands, holding hands, giggling and smiling, he quickly let go of her hand as if she was a hot piece of charcoal. And he said, “there comes my cousin, she will inform mum that I was walking and holding a girl’s hand in the street”, this was shocking for Mutinta because she had already met his mum so she wondered what in the world he was referring to. As the lady approached the couple, Mutinta did a serious body viewing of a yellow bone with pear shaped hips, a complete opposite of herself. As she boarded a bus to go home, she luckily sat in the front seat of the small Chelstone bus and cried all the way to the last bus stop. The driver was kind enough to offer her some tissue and asked her what the matter was to which she lied in response that she had lost her grandma. Years later, when she experienced her second heartbreak when her husband cheated on her, it didn’t feel so bad as she realised that hurt was familiar and less painful than what she felt at her first heartbreak when George disappointed her.

Still, she hadn’t forgotten how it felt, that devastation that pierces right through you. Everything feels desolate for a while, and you wonder if you will ever love again. A shortness of breath, like the room is suddenly out of oxygen, a feeling of having a fish bone stuck on the throat and no amount of water or cold drink will make it go away. It’s hard to see further than your nose and even harder to care about anything other than your intense sense of loss. For some, there is a loss of appetite and for others, the appetite is so immense like one who is on steroids.

Broken heart syndrome, also known as takotsubo cardiomyopathy, is a temporary heart condition often triggered by intense emotional or physical stress like losing a loved one or experiencing a major shock. This happens when the body suddenly produces a surge of stress hormones which causes symptoms similar to a heart attack such as chest pains and shortness of breath. It doesn’t often result in blocked arteries but the left ventricles temporary weaken and changes shape. The condition is reversible with proper treatment and it highlights the powerful connection between emotional health and physical well-being.

The best we can usually offer ourselves or someone else who is suffering a romantic loss is our caring ears to listen to the many sorrows playing over and over, and some gentle distractions too. Saying goodbye to a partner you’ve opened yourself up to can feel traumatic. Heartbreak doesn’t go away quickly because it involves layers of emotions and stages of disconnection.

Sometimes the first thing we feel is shock if the break up is unexpected or we find our relationship wasn’t what we thought it was. This can quickly change into anger, hurt, frustration. Feelings of shame can arise about not being on the same page in love; not realising the other was checking out or moving on.

We can feel vulnerable and exposed, betrayed, if we were giving the relationship a go, but our partner was not. Sadness and loneliness are typically quick to follow. You don’t just miss the person you’ve lost; you miss the plans you had together. You miss the shared life and all the hopes you had and you begin to question if that’s how a fish feels when it’s pulled out of water.

Sometimes it’s important to do a post mortem on the relationship. Was the love mutual or one sided? We may have all the signs that someone is not fully invested in the relationship but we tend to ignore because we are enjoying the moment. To finish well, ask all the questions you have, before you part. Get the info on what happened from the other’s perspective. The more you hear, the less you will be wondering or guessing where you could have gone wrong.

Say what you need to say so you’re not wishing you had said this or that and wanting to send another text! Don’t get nasty, end it the way you want to live – keeping your strength, values and dignity intact. It will keep you calmer and help you to recover faster than if you send yourself into a meltdown. You will never know where your ex-partner can end up, maybe they are the next president or biggest employer somewhere so in a position that might be of assistance so parting on bad terms where bad things are said is never the best. Either of you might need each other’s help in future. But even as the need to keep a line open for communication is important, it is also wise to note that if staying in touch is painful, take the break from communicating. This could mean unfollowing them on social media or politely declining to meet until you are mentally ready. If you know there is an event where you will both meet, avoid attending the event if you are not sure how you will behave, it could be you can break down, feel jealousy or angry. Protect your emotional wellbeing at all cost during this sensitive period.

Contact people you can turn to who know what you’re going through and are supportive. If you don’t want to talk about the breakup, tell them you’d rather not discuss it as it makes you sad, but you would still like to hang out. Don’t avoid other people, it’s not usually the fastest way to heal from loss. Distract yourself with healthy stuff like exercise. Avoid romantic things and don’t listen to sad music as this just makes the sad feeling to last longer and be more painful. Have quiet times, let yourself be sad, but be balanced. Limit the duration of the grieving moments so you don’t get overly lost in them.

Find flow in your world – discover or rediscover your personal passions or start something new – an interest or skill that requires focus and feels great to do. Engagement with what you love and what you’re good at is one of the best natural healers. Watch your comedy, play outdoor games, be with family or close friends that make you lively and warm. Allow yourself to learn from the hurt and sadness. There is always something to learn from relationships, others teach us class, others teach us how not be jealousy, while others teach us the importance of hygiene or self-care and how to be giving or generous. Ask yourself what it is the relationship taught you and ensure it’s a positive lesson.

Look for patterns, wonder about your part in your relationships if you haven’t before. E.g., Did you ignore your intuition at any point? Is there anything you have learned from the relationship that will potentially help you in the future? Can you see any patterns you are repeating?

Heartbreak is terrible, but everyone feels it sometime, and we do tend to survive, one way or another. Sometimes life strengthens us, whether we like how it happens or not, other times it leaves us feeling vulnerable.

Ultimately everyone goes through heartache at some point. Compassion for yourself and others is key. No one’s heart was meant to be a battle field. When we are hungry, we feel hunger pangs and need food, emotional pain of a breakup is a need for cry for something. If we ignore this emotional need, it won’t be long before our weight fluctuates by either losing or gaining or we begin to manifest high blood pressure lifestyle diseases due to suppressed emotions.

Healing a broken heart is a personal process. There is not fixed timeline for healing emotional pain as it depends on the things like the depth of the relationship, your copying skills and the support system you have. It’s important to allow yourself the time needed to heal. By engaging in self-care practices, support from loved ones and being patient with your progress, over time, the pain lessens and you will find yourself moving forward with no need of shedding tears when an old song that reminds you of your ex is played.

Accepting the end of a relationship is a crucial step in the healing process. It may involve acknowledging the emotions, understanding the reasons behind the breakup and giving yourself time to grieve the loss. Over time, focusing on your own life, setting new goals and building supporting relations can help in accepting the change. It’s about creating a new narrative for your life and finding happiness in your own growth and new opportunities ahead. Remember that seeking professional support like therapy can provide valued insights and strategies in navigating through this acceptance. Life goes on even after a heartbreak, pick up your pieces and better love will find you.

Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]