Dear Aka-Monde,
I got married in April this year. I love my wife but the challenge is, she wants me to spend too much time with her. I can’t catch up with the guys, every weekend has to be spent with her. Is this what marriage is about? I am worried that she doesn’t seem to have friends like in our dating days, it’s just her and me and honestly, I miss a beer with the guys. Sometimes on Fridays, I stop at a joint to meet with the guys and have to chew mints to kill the alcohol smell or lie that we had a cocktail at work because she gets upset that I went elsewhere without her. Is this what women are taught? I can’t have a life as me? Do we have to do everything together? She’s gat all eyes on me!
Terry

Dear Terry,
Being an individual within a relationship is a bit of a foreign concept but achievable. Some never find it and many relationships are based on ‘we’, instead of ‘I’ in a healthy sense.

Maintaining a strong sense of individuality within a relationship is essential for the health, happiness, and longevity of the partnership. Many people believe that entering a relationship means sacrificing their personal identity and molding themselves to fit the needs and desires of their partner. However, this mindset can be detrimental to both parties involved.

The main question is, “how can one maintain individuality while being fully committed to a partner and the relationship?” When one partner feels threatened or left out, how do you support such a one? How does one balance individual and shared interests? How can we ensure that communication styles support each other?

One of the main advantages of maintaining individuality in a relationship is the opportunity for personal growth. When both partners maintain their own interests, hobbies, and friendships, they can continue to grow and evolve as individuals. This growth can lead to increased self-awareness, confidence, and personal fulfillment. Furthermore, engaging in individual pursuits can provide valuable insights and perspectives that can be shared with one’s partner, further enriching the relationship.

A strong sense of individuality within a relationship can contribute to the overall health and longevity of the partnership. When partners are free to be themselves and pursue their own interests, it can lead to greater trust, respect, and admiration between them. This creates a more balanced and equal partnership, where both individuals feel secure and supported in their personal pursuits.

Being an individual within a relationship promotes open, honest communication between partners. When both people are secure in their own identities, they are more likely to engage in open dialogue about their feelings, needs, and desires. This can lead to more effective problem-solving, conflict resolution, and an overall greater understanding of each other’s perspectives.

Maintaining one’s personal identity is essential for overall well-being and happiness. Embracing one’s individuality within a relationship allows for the expression of personal values, beliefs, and opinions. This can lead to a more authentic connection between partners and a deeper understanding of each other’s core values.

Being an individual within a relationship fosters a sense of independence and self-reliance. Relying on oneself for personal happiness and fulfillment, rather than depending solely on one’s partner, can lead to a more balanced and secure partnership. Independence can also prevent feelings of suffocation or co-dependency, which can be detrimental to a healthy relationship.

When partners maintain their individuality, they can bring a greater variety of experiences, ideas, and perspectives to the relationship. This can lead to more stimulating conversations, unique shared experiences, and a more diverse and fulfilling life for both partners.
Maintaining a sense of individuality within a relationship can help keep the spark alive. When partners continue to grow and evolve, they become more interesting and attractive to one another. This can help maintain the passion and excitement that often dwindles over time in some relationships.

Individuals who maintain their own sense of identity within a relationship are often more emotionally resilient. They are better equipped to cope with life’s challenges and setbacks, both within and outside the relationship. This emotional resilience can lead to a more stable and supportive partnership.

Being an individual within a relationship offers numerous advantages for both partners involved. It promotes personal growth, strengthens the partnership, enhances communication, and enriches life experiences. By embracing one’s individuality and encouraging one’s partner to do the same, couples can build a more fulfilling, authentic, and enduring connection.

Mr. Terry, you need to have an honest conversation with your wife. In our society today, fortunately, most couples are friends before they say marriage vows. Have a candid chat with your wife on the need for you to meet up with the guys. Just as women as bridal showers that they attend as women only, its important for you to meet up with the guys and chat. Whether this is over a pool game or soccer match, its good for your mental health. Even the good book says, there is a time for everything, you cannot be doing uku “longana” 24/7.

Nevertheless, there is a time to be a loving husband, a friend and a buddy. Surely, she does not know how you feel and she must be thinking it’s the best thing for the both of you. It could be, her wanting to spend all the time with you, is your wife’s love language. Find a compromise on how to respect her way of love. Dialogue, as a couple and timing is of the essence. Be romantic about it even as you endeavor to make her understand you clearly. At the end of the conversation, give her room to ask questions and give her view.

Your wife is simply trying to make the both of you enjoy the honeymoon phase of marriage but in a wrong way. Remember that no builder builds a house by putting pillars next to each other, they are always apart and that not only gives beauty but strength as well. Marriage is a beautiful thing, wishing you love and lots of love.
Seek help when in need, visit a Counsellor near you!