It wasn’t difficult for me to conclude that the King of Swaziland came in this country wearing nothing but underwear, because the pictures showed me that his top half was as bare as his bottom half, save for the point where the two pieces of loose fabric met.
In fact, it was rather difficult to speculate that he actually had anything at all to cover his private essentials; which I frankly don’t think are private in anyway as they are exposed to an entire village of women with his consent.
Which brings me to a point of understanding. Considering the ‘womanly’ mandate which your country has tasked you with, I am assuming it must be quite cumbersome to keep dressing and undressing, hence your royal decision to keep it simple for everyone’s benefit. That’s cool, literally.
But excuse me Lt. General Paul Mihova; did you really mount a 21-gun salute for this Swazi dude? And he inspected our Zambia Army parade? Dressed like that?
General! That stomach is the most sought after potbelly in Swaziland; do you understand how tormenting it was for our female soldiers on parade to concentrate while inspecting that royal three pack, unwaxed as it was?
And did you hear his speech on arrival?
King MSWATI: “My coming here during this important occasion, is to give solidarity to the Zambia people because Zambia and Swaziland are one.”
Mr King, apart from when you are selecting your Inkhosikati, it seems your judgment is defective. You should have asked my President how many beers ago did Zambia switch to multiparty democracy. How can we be the same?
Anyway, my President doesn’t just do things minus first thinking through them. There must be a very good reason why he asked a monarch to come and tell us the importance of democracy on our Independence Day.
Let’s see, I am thinking maybe he brought King Mswati to come and show that it’s more productive to the nation when you appoint many young women into bed than appointing a tired one as Vice-President.
Or maybe after hearing that my President is making random inclusive appointments to his Cabinet, King Mswati decided to come and lobby for a ministerial job for his justice minister whom he regrets dismissing when he caught him sleeping with his 22-year-old 12th wife.
Whatever the case, one good turn deserves another. Allow me, therefore, to go and ask Mr Kaizer Zulu if he can fix me an appointment with my President so that I can beg to be included on his delegation to the next Reed Dance in Mbabane.
Looking at the logistical requirements needed to secure a presidential meeting at State House, it might be weeks or maybe months before I return, dear readers.
And I don’t know about my President, but if he allows me to join him, Your Royal Majesty, expect me to arrive at your airport wearing nothing but a little piece of rubber, enough only to protect my private essentials when inspecting your guard of honour.
I will be back, maybe.