GREAT! Now Mr Telesphore Mpundu and your Zambia Episcopal Conference can go to hell – my President just secured his salvation directly from the Pope! Not just any other Pope, but Pope Francis the ex officio Bishop of Rome and sovereign leader of the Vatican City as well as the coolest Pope in the history of cool Popes.

If you are asking why my President ignored His Excellency Sergio Mattarella and instead visited the Holly Catholic Father, then you haven’t read your history. Otherwise, you would have known that before he became holy, Pope Francis was a nightclub door bouncer many many beers ago in Buenos Aires and was ruthless when on duty to keep troublemakers out of the bar.

After you google and verify that fact, you will understand that my President needed to go and find out if the now ordained knuckles had, at any time, come into contact with his teeth.

With those scores settled eyeball to eyeball with the reformed Pope, my President will also return home with a spirit pure as Vodka, holy as a holiday.

Therefore, Mr Telesphore, you have nothing on my President or our National House of Fast Praying and Reconciliation Tabernacle, so you can keep your vote and shut up – my President has a country to run. In fact, he has two countries to run.

BBC News: “Zimbabwe’s President Robert Mugabe has declared a state of disaster following the drought that has hit Southern Africa. An estimated 2.4 million people are now in need of food aid in the country, and Mugabe has urged Zimbabweans not to panic, as government is importing maize from neighbouring Zambia.

You hear that Ambassador Arve Ofstad? Go and tell your Norwegian President that even if you have closed down your embassy in Zambia, we will not miss your aid because we are also now helping poor countries, alright?

If you think I am joking, hear for yourself what plans we have for helping beggars like Zimbabwe.

President EDGAR LUNGU: “Our immediate plan is to import maize from South America. We have to think of importing maize from South America without delay before other countries in the southern region who have no food as well finish it up. We are worried about the prevailing weather pattern in the country and we don’t know what we are going to do as government as we only have maize that will last up to June.”

I know the ZNFU chaps are wishing they didn’t have a theft scandal among them so that they rubbish my President’s decision, because to them this is a stupid move.

But that’s why my President is as cool as the Pope, and he always keeps his strategy up the sleeve. If you ask Professor Oliver Saasa, he will tell you that Zambia is in a financial crisis today because we don’t have exports.

Well, Prof Saasa, stand up and give my President a standing ovation because his ingenious solution deserves a place in history.

Here is the plan: My President will use the finished kwacha to buy maize from Brazil, 8,600 kilometres away and then he will sale it to Zimabwe which is within spitting distance, in dollars – Bingo!

Once that happens, Dr Denny Kalyalya, who has joined shikulu Alexander Chikwanda in his sleep because there is no more money to count at BoZ, will wake up. All the problems will be over, families will live in harmony again and the courts will no longer be overburdened with unnecessary lawsuits.

Can you imagine, just last week a nurse called Kalumbu Kachaka asked the Lusaka High Court to divorce her from a short-tempered husband, Masauso Banda, who was denying her conjugal rights.

Dear High Court judges, if that matter is allocated to you, please examine carefully why he is denying her conjugal rights. Maybe it’s not his temper which is short – I mean life is hard!

That’s it for today