In the month of love, Mr. and Mrs. Michelo decided it was time to mend their marriage. Twenty years had taken a toll on their relationship. They were living as roommates, Mrs. Michelo could not remember what a hug from her husband felt like. She decided enough was enough and she made it clear if they didn’t see a counsellor she was packing her bags. It was the tone in her voice that made Michelo realise the wife was serious. It was a tone he had last heard in their dating years, when she informed him that not util she was his wife was he going to taste the forbidden fruit.

The counsellor sat down and looked at them both, when asked to state their case, none of them could really talk and so an exercise was given to them, to write letters to each other on why they felt their friendship and romance was failing. They would start with Mr. Michelo, writing to his wife and the wife would respond by letter as well. After some 30 minutes, Mr. Michelo’s letter was ready and he was asked to read it out loud, it went as follows;

Becky, my wife,

When I married you, you were a bubbling woman, a spontaneous woman who could excite me in all the rooms of the house and I never anticipated your moves. I loved the romantic you with your fancy enticing lingerie which left nothing to my imagination. Along the way, after two kids, I noticed your dress code in the house changed. I saw less flesh and it got worse as the years forged. I realised you had gained weight and lost your confidence and hence the reason I stopped inviting you to functions or to drink outs as we used to. I know I used to use the kids as an excuse by stating that you needed to stay home and baby sit, but seriously, it was your choice of clothes. Somehow you had moved from sexy to mai-busa arrangements that I feared how you would appear in front of my friends.
I can’t deny that our first years of marriage were filled with happiness but along the way, a lack of communication hit us like the herpes. I know I probably spoke to wrong friends who gave me wrong advise by adding salt to my wound and advising me to just forget about you like you didn’t exist. A few actually said I find a side chick and it actually made sense to me why men cheat. I now realise that the type of friend one keeps can contribute to one’s failure in a relationship. It’s not that I didn’t know my friends’ behaviours when I sought their advice but am only human.

At times, I felt you were too aggressive and confrontational in your tone when addressing issues. You raised you voice to me on countless times and it made me feel less of a man. The numerous times you questioned my business dealings made me feel less inadequate. I felt you always put your family first and respected their opinions more than mine. I do not know if you remember but in our fifth year of marriage, you spoke rudely to me in front of my young sister and this news reached my mother who questioned who was the man in our home. To be quite frank, talking to me like that in front of my sibling has always made me feel like a young boy. Getting back to my sharing my frustrations with colleagues at work, it was a mistake to confide in some female workmates because somehow, as you know of the fling I had at work, it was in trying to get a woman’s perspective of what I was going through in my marriage that led me into Miriam’s arms. I must also mention that I stopped staying home because we were always fighting or arguing unnecessarily. It felt safter to just come home, eat and sleep.

It’s like when you are single, you don’t cheat but when married, the cheating temptation appears from all angles. By temptation, I mean we see attractive women everywhere, at the malls, at work, even at church, somehow, we admire the ladies in very decent clothing wondering how their legs look like and when your thoughts wonder like that, the verse, “for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” begins to make sense. Sometime I would ask myself that as I cheat, what if this lady falls pregnant? What would I say to you and the kids? What if I acquire an STI or bring the HIV virus in the home? What if this woman’s aim is just to complicate my life and squander my money? Even as all these thoughts crossed my mind, I know I did the wrong thing by going ahead and cheating on you. At this point, I was simply enjoying the cheating phase but now I know better that it was a waste of my time.

I feel you let me down by bickering most of the times especially in our early years, you were always fault-finding, a bit careless with my hard-earned finances, the sexually charged goddess was running on Chinese batteries and your lack of confidence as a woman was a complete turn off. Our act became routine, predictable and boring. I also feel you disrespected me a lot in the two years I was out of employment.

I know am trying hard to justify my actions but to be honest, my cheating or the breaking down of our relationship is not your fault. The opportunity to cheat presented itself and I took it and made it my lifestyle.

All in all, am sorry Becky, I want to be the better man that you married and if you find it in your heart, forgive me for all the times I gave you sleepless nights by coming home past midnight. Find it in your heart to forgive me so we can start afresh.

After Mr. Michelo’s letter was read out loud, his wife decided to respond as follows;

Dear bashi Junior,

While you may have issues with my weight gain, most men by now, know and understand that a woman’s body will change after child bearing and with all your MBA’s, I expect it to be simple knowledge to you. Yes, I did lose my confidence at first because after 5 kids, my tummy completely refused to return to how I used to be. From a size 12 to a size 22. It was the way you stopped complimenting me that made me think that maybe I was no longer beautiful. Right now, am proud of my curves at size 22 and believe you me, I do not dream of changing back to the tiny size 12, I used to be. Mind you, even the contraceptives I take have an effect on my weight gain. I once asked you if you could consider a vasectomy and you said you did not want to alter your body and so I continued with taking contraceptives. Besides, if I am to be honest, I can’t bare another child with you because I want a child born out of love and not convenience.

As for speaking rudely to you in the presence of your sister, Bo Michelo, that weekend, you left us with no mealie meal, no sugar, no cooking oil, no Zesco units in the house and you knew we had no charcoal. How could I welcome you happily like all was rosy? Actually, I want you to know that the welcome I gave you, was the best I could do seeing your sister was around and I think it was by God’s grace that she was visiting because I was so angry that I had to ask for mealie meal and charcoal just to make porridge for our children.

As a woman and wife, it’s not my job to dull my shine just so I can boost your ego. I have the right to express my opinions and emotions and it doesn’t make me weak or disrespectful, you knew I was vocal when we were dating and you loved to hear my opinion on matters. Why should that change now?

Bo Michelo, I am grateful you supported my education and because of that I am now in employment, but do you remember the years you were out of employment, you became such a burden that you were scamming me out of my little earnings. All the building projects we did, you were quoting me more and pocketing money. It’s not that I didn’t realise but I was too ashamed to ask you why you would con your own wife. Whenever the car broke down, you were involving bush mechanics even when I would produce the much-needed money and I was failing to understand your reasoning. It reached a point where you were not locking doors in the house, a task I believe is your job as head. How do I respect a man who does not want to be head and lead?

When you finally got a job and your finances normalized, it’s like I became invincible. My husband, the only compliment over my looks would come from work, the security guard or male colleagues and I would wonder if you didn’t see me. Even when I would do a new hairstyle, you would only notice two weeks later and it would pain me. Sometimes, I deliberately took time in my work clothes at home just so you could notice but once I realised you were completely blind, I stopped bothering.

They say technology was meant to make communication easier but for us it’s like it was made to break our home. You touch your phone more than anything else and you are always online on your phone. You will recall that I used to try date nights for us but still you would be with your phone on the dates. I tried vacations for just the two of us but you always insisted that kids come along. What more can a woman do but watch? You spoke of the opportunity presenting itself and you taking it by cheating, well let me tell you something, anyone can cheat if they choose too and I can choose to go to the gym or get a deep massage for stress relief. I can literally count the number of times we have made love in our home in the past five years and sometimes I ask myself, how inconsiderate can you be? Do you think I have no feelings? It’s hard to believe that we went from can’t wait to see you babe and hug you tightly, to your knee was on my side of the bed again last night.

My husband, the respect that Sarah gave to Abraham and literally called him “my lord,” I am capable also if am loved the right way. I still love you and want to mend our friendship and marriage. Am hoping this works out.

The counsellor later had a chat applauding the huge step the couple had taken in seeking marital counselling and agreed on a few changes which would be;

(i) No more use of phones at date nights
(ii) No taking children along on every holiday
(iii) Dedication of time every evening to talk of how they spent their day and what transpired in the comfort of each other’s arms
(iv) Couples massage performed by Mr. and Mrs. to each other at least once a week.

Marriage is not about a fancy home, cute kids, nice cars. Marriage is hospital stays, working long hours, fighting through struggles, paying bills and staying together through the good and bad days. Your partner can never get enough of your affection. Read each other’s body language and do not deny each other when your friend is in need. It’s for better, for worse.
Let’s all remember to rekindle our flames!

Special shout out to Ruth, Malama, Donald, Mwansa, Cheso, Canaan, Chris, Ba Chisanga for your feedback.

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]