Violations of a partner’s trust can lead to feelings of hatred, such as breaking promises, being dishonest or infidelity. In our culture, we have been made to believe that only men are hurt by infidelity and a woman is immune to a man’s cheating. In actual sense, women take out the pain by confiding in their friends and crying themselves to sleep while men when betrayed do not share with anyone and it eats them up so badly that they resort to murder or suicide. A partner that feels ignored, unappreciated may grow resentments and bitterness over time. When a spouse reaches a point where they do not complain over your uncaring behaviour and lack of affection, this is when you should make extra effort to win back the love of your spouse before they cross the line, that thin line between love and hate.
One day you are in love as you feel the warmth and all the love in the world. No one ever expects that that love can feel like an intrusion. We never quite look for friendship because we usually have enough of it but there is always something more that someone makes you feel. It the warmth they give you when they walk in, it’s the feeling of beauty when they smile. It’s the feeling that nothing can go wrong in the world when they hug you tightly. Once you have fallen in love, with time the beautiful feelings can begin to fade especially when you realise your mulatiwa (lover) is not who they portrayed themselves to be. When they no longer seem to look forward to your meeting, when they no longer give you hope, when they abandon you and leave you alone home wondering when they will return.
Love and hate are basic human effects. People who share similar values and interests are more likely to have a stronger love, additionally stronger feelings of love are associated with greater hate after the relationship is broken. Hate within the context of a romantic relationship arises mainly from a betrayal. It is said that the deeper the love, the deeper the hate when the grapes turn sour. Sometimes we strongly dislike the people we love but the key to getting through this inevitable hard time is to never stop understanding where they are coming from. For example, when one feels guilty about a wrong, they have done, it helps them correct their own behaviour and make amends in future. In relationships, conflicts can help you negate bad patterns and work through issues. When a conflict or misunderstanding occurs;
• Instead of asserting your own point of view, try taking your partner’s perspective. Understand why your partner feels the way they do.
• Avoid criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling (putting someone ku wire)
• Give your partner the benefit of doubt by assuming their intentions are not malicious.
• Take time to reflect on your partner’s positive traits. Think of why you fell in love with them.
• Think of you and your partner as a team rather than opponents. The goal is to come up with a solution together rather than win an argument and prove your friend wrong.
The question we can ask ourselves is, “why do people hurt those they love?” Well, it could be the fear of emotional intimacy. This means one has difficulty with attachment security and mood variables. They hold back their feelings from those close to them and people will tend to think they are disinterested. Others simply want to avoid codependency; they feel suffocated and hence fail to maintain a normal relationship. You cannot have hate without first having love. Hate is the result of deep emotional hurt inflicted by someone you have loved. It is caused by your heart feeling betrayed and it can make you fail to control your actions. And such instances are when someone stabs to death their partner because they cannot imagine them with someone else. In some instances, some people suffer from morbid jealous which is a psychological disorder in which a person obsesses about their romantic partner cheating on them without having evidence for these thoughts and this often leads to abnormal behaviour or violent behaviour.
Jealousy, morbid or not, is a major trigger of domestic violence and killings. When a partner is overly possessive, wants to control who you talk to, what you wear, where you go… that’s a red flag. For example, some spouses when they lose their job, they feel they have lost control and begin to take it out on their spouses as they feel their spouse is not giving them enough attention and this behaviour by a jobless spouse of petty jealousness pushes a partner away and may trigger violence in the home. Domestic violence is even higher when a couple has separated as one spouse carries anger, rage, resentment baggage and plans of revenge. In most domestic killings, offenders often have narcissistic and anti-social behaviours.
If you are in a relationship that doesn’t feel safe and healthy and your partner constantly threatens you, leave it before you become a statistic. When the ones we love betray us by cheating on us, contemplating murder or resorting to violence is never the solution. We can pick up our broken pieces and start our lives all over again and maybe be able to find another love which will make us wonder why our earlier relationship didn’t end sooner. Never worry over people calling you a failure for walking out of a toxic relationship. We always see the red flags in toxic relationships but as soon as one tops up your bank account or spoils you with a dream holiday or treat, we tend to ignore the wrong doings and treat the red flags as roses. The society we tend to fear that it will label us as failures for walking out of a toxic marriage will only be available to bury us if we don’t stand up for ourselves and exercise self-love by leaving that toxic relationship.
Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!
About the author
Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.
Email: [email protected]
