Dear Aka- Monde,

JJ

Dear JJ

Thanks for reaching out.

Can a woman make more money in a relationship? Absolutely! It’s perfectly okay for a woman to earn more money in a relationship. Financial dynamics vary widely and what matters most is mutual respect and understanding between partners.

When a woman earns more money, it can challenge traditional gender roles and promote equality in the relationship. This dynamic might lead to discussions about shared responsibilities, and financial decisions. It can ultimately enhance communication and collaboration between partners, however, it may also raise insecurities or societal pressures that must be addressed openly. The ideal scenario depends on the individual couple’s values and circumstances. What matters most is that both partners feel valued and supported, regardless of who earns more. Open communication about finances can lead to a healthier, more balanced relationship.

It’s not uncommon for one partner in a relationship to earn significantly more than the other. And if it bothers you, you’re not alone. In any relationship, a significant income difference can cause a perceived power imbalance, creating potential conflict, resentment, or frustration in one or both partners.

But with open and honest communication, and a willingness to work together, you can find a balance that works for both of you. The partner who earns more may feel they have more say in decision-making related to finances, leading to conflict. The partner who earns less may feel pressure to contribute more to the family financially, which can put a strain on the relationship. They may also feel pressure to match or exceed the other’s earnings to feel like an equal in the partnership.

The partner who earns less may have to work longer hours or take on additional jobs to make ends meet, which can lead to less time spent together as a couple and cause feelings of resentment. Even though more women are earning as much or significantly more than their husbands, they still take on the bulk of the work at home and most people out there have no clue that most households have women bringing in more money.
So, when income differences come between couples, how can they create a healthy balance? Maintain open communication by discussing financial expectations early in the relationship. Ask your partner about how they engage with their finances. Just because one partner is a higher earner doesn’t automatically mean they are financially more responsible. Try to ask open-ended questions that allow your partner to share their thoughts and feelings about their financial practices, rather than assuming you already know what they think or feel. This can help build trust and mutual understanding and create a safe and non-judgmental space for honest communication.
Be non-judgemental and acknowledge and accept that each person has their own unique financial circumstances, goals, and values, and there is no one “right” way to manage money. Be open to compromise and set up a budget that works for both of you. This can include money for fun activities, such as date nights, vacations, or anything else that brings joy into your lives.

Acknowledge your partner’s hard work, efforts, and dedication to their career and express gratitude for their contributions to your lives. This will help them feel valued and respected regardless of their financial status.

As you consider whether to marry your partner since she makes more money, it’s important to focus on the overall compatibility of the relationship rather than just the financial aspect. Consider other important qualities such as shared values, goals, religious affiliation, interests and parenting styles.

There is nothing wrong with a woman being the breadwinner of a home. The problem is when she’s expected to do everything else too. She’s primarily responsible for cooking, cleaning, childcare and taking care of her husband and kids. That’s when it creates problems and women become resentful. When men are the primary breadwinner they are not expected to do all these things and may help out at best. While women are still in charge of meal planning, cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare, and everything else that goes into maintaining a home. Men rarely are able to step up and fully take charge of these things. A few do but they’re the small minority. But before leaving for work a woman needs to prepare food for her husband and make food for the baby, sometimes help with cooking, cleaning and laundry and comes home to take care of things while he then checks out. The problem is women rarely if ever get to check out even if they’re the primary breadwinner and are bringing in all the money and assets. Because men cannot step up and do a lot of what women do, this is why it causes a problem when women also need to be the providers. Because if she’s providing and doing chores and managing the house and you just help out then she might as well be alone. Everyone’s got to contribute and pull a fair share. The problem is when women work, they’re still pulling way too much weight managing the home too. I hope you can make a difference and be a supportive husband in all aspects.

For just about as long as women have been stepping into the main breadwinner role in households there have been concerns about the possible terrible effects on relationships. It’s important to be able to give more of emotional support and compensate more in other areas when you know your lack in one area. Be a good lover, partner and a good friend.

As Africans, it’s not ideal that a man moves into a woman’s house, therefore, in your situation, it would be practical to put her house on rent and then find another one that you can rent as a couple. This can be something you can do for a minimum of maybe two years and thereafter maybe move back into one of her houses. You mentioned she’s okay with not having a wedding but remember that her relatives might want to do something in sending her off into the marriage so be open and ready for maybe even a kitchen party. If they emphasise on a wedding, your relatives must stand their ground that you are not ready to host a wedding and it needs to be respected unless you are fine as a family getting financial help to host a wedding. And finally, deciding whether a marriage will work will be up to you. You need to be ready to provide whatever little you can as a man and accept that she will have more say because it’s obvious she will be the breadwinner. If you do go ahead and marry her, kindly give her as your wife whatever amount you can for the household, and this is something you should tell her now of how much she is expected to receive monthly from you. Agree on how expenses and bills will be handled.

Remember that getting into a commitment such as a marriage when in doubt if it will work out is a recipe for disaster, so think through it and accept the roles you will both play. If in workplaces, no man resigns when the woman is a boss, therefore, a wife earning more should not be a problem, look at it as an added advantage in the relationship.

Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]