Peter and Jane grew up in the same neighbourhood. They went to the same primary school, same high school, same university, and were churchmates. Their parents knew each other and in their high school days, their report forms could be collected by family members from either Jane or Peter’s. In their school days, people thought they were related as they practically were sister and brother at school. Peter looked out for Jane and no one bullied her and in turn, Jane spoke good words when Peter was after any girl and as well as being the errand girl in getting dates for Peter.

After university, they both got employed and Jane was deployed outside Lusaka. On her first serious date, she informed Peter and he was happy for her. He equally always informed her of his dates in university and when he impregnated a girl, she was the first one to know. She encouraged him to critically evaluate whether he could spend the rest of his life with this girl and if yes, go ahead and marry her. When Jane went on her first annual leave and travelled back to her home town, Peter was on hand to pick her from intercity, he could not believe how beautiful she looked with a well-shaped body and glowing skin. For the first time, Peter saw a woman in Jane. Jane quickly hugged Peter and kept admiring his car and its comfort, while Peter’s smile was something else as he could not comprehend how beautiful his best friend was. Peter was getting ready to tie the knot and Jane made sure her leave was in time for the wedding. They first went for drinks and to catch up for old time’s sake. During the catch up, Peter kept starring at Jane and she asked him what the matter was, “you are beautiful, intelligent and kind Jane, the kind of woman I would want to marry,” “stop that Peter, am here for your wedding,” was Jane’s response. A few minutes silence to both of them felt like forever, as they both had no further words to say. Peter finally opened up that his mum has asked him why he never thought of marrying her and that his response was Jane was a best friend, how do I marry my best friend? She is like my young sister. Finally they both agreed that if ever their relationships fail, they would consider each other. They stood up and hugged tightly, a hug that felt out of this world, it was as if they had never hugged anyone else in their lives, it was a warm and beautiful hug that sent shivers in their spines and when he kissed her on her cheeks, it was the best kiss ever for the both of them.

Can a male and female be best friends without sexual feeling? Yes, a male and female can definitely be friends without any sexual feelings. Friendships are based on shared interests, values, and mutual respect, and both people can see each other platonically. Open communication and setting clear boundaries can help maintain that friendship without romantic complications.

Friendship is a close relationship between people that’s based on emotional, spiritual, and intellectual intimacy. Friends often share common interests and experiences and enjoy spending time together but there’s no sexual or romantic interest. It is a close relationship based on mutual respect, emotional/practical support, shared interests, and platonic affection. Friends respect each other’s partners and don’t cross relationship boundaries. Friendship intention is for emotional and practical support, fun/laughs, shared experiences, maybe discussing things you don’t with your partner, and following shared interests.

Having friends is important, and people with high-quality social relationships are healthier and happier than those without. Friendships are healthy for you personally as well as for your relationship. It’s beneficial to continue nurturing your friendships in a relationship as it allows you to maintain your identity and independence.

It’s unrealistic that your partner will give you everything you need. Expecting your partner to be your best friend, confidante, lover, business partner, and share all your interests puts unnecessary pressure on the relationship. It’s healthier to spread it out a little with friends while ensuring that your romantic relationship receives enough love, attention, and care.

Therefore, healthy friendships are good for your well-being and can strengthen your romantic relationship – as long as they’re platonic and don’t damage the trust between you and your partner. Though friendships are platonic, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve never imagined what it might feel like to sleep or be with them. The deciding factor is that when you imagine this, the thought is unappealing.

In a friendship, you can share personal details and confide in each other, but maintain boundaries that respect existing romantic relationships. Spend quality time together without neglecting other relationships or responsibilities and maintain a healthy balance between in-person and virtual interactions. Maintain appropriate physical contact that doesn’t cross into romantic or sexual territory, respecting each other’s personal space and existing romantic commitments.

When a friend develops sexual feelings, it’s important to approach the situation thoughtfully.
 Communicate Openly: Have an honest conversation about their feelings. Listen to them and express your own feelings clearly.
 Set Boundaries: If you’re not interested in a romantic relationship, discuss what boundaries are necessary to maintain the friendship.
 Reassure Them: Let them know that you value the friendship and want to preserve it if that’s your intention.
 Take Time if Needed: Sometimes, a little space can help both parties process their feelings and figure out the best way forward.
 Be Respectful: Acknowledge their feelings without judgement. It’s natural for emotions to evolve in relationships.
 Evaluate the Friendship: Consider if the friendship can continue as it is or if adjustments are needed based on how both of you feel.

Emotional cheating involves forming an intimate emotional connection with someone outside of your relationship that violates the integrity of your primary relationship. There can be a fine line between friendship and emotional cheating, and sometimes a friendship can develop into an emotional affair over time.

Emotional cheating involves forming a deep, intimate bond with someone outside your committed relationship, often characterized by secrecy, romantic feelings, and prioritizing this connection over your partner. It typically includes sharing vulnerabilities, fantasizing, and creating emotional distance that negatively impacts your primary relationship. When you choose to not mention that “bestie friend” to your partner, when you choose to share intimate details about your relationship thereby betraying your partner’s trust, when you fantasize about your friend and when that “bestie” is priority on your mind and you clearly have romantic feelings and want to dress up for your “bestie.” The intention is to fulfill something that’s missing from the relationship with someone you have a sexual or romantic interest in. You may not be acting on it but there’s tension and even flirting. The emotional intimacy you gain in this relationship is damaging your current relationship.

It can sometimes be a bit confusing to know whether you’re having an emotional affair or building a close friendship. Sometimes you meet someone at a workshop or meeting and you instantly have a connection and you share phone numbers. Later, you meet up for drinks or tea and you share the information with your partner who doesn’t mind. You begin to meet regularly and realise you have deeper conversations with the new friend. While this situation isn’t cheating, it has potential of being an emotional cheat if secrecy comes in. If the meetings become too regular and take precedence over the other relationship and if the conversations become too in depth and if the new friendship becomes priority over the old relationship. And worse, if romantic feelings begin to develop. To ensure the friendship remains appropriate, boundaries have to be set.

And if you might be feeling insecure about one of your partner’s “bestie” and are wondering whether your partner might be having an affair. Analyse the following;
1. Do they seem more engaged when they’re talking to this person than with you?
2. Are they always quick to respond to their texts/calls?
3. Are they secretive about their communication/meeting with this person?
4. Has your relationship changed for the worse since this person has been around?
5. Are they spending a lot more time online and seem secretive about it?
6. Do they seem to be in a better mood when they’re around their phone?

If you’ve noticed some of this going on, the best thing for you to do is to have a conversation with your partner to find out what’s going on. For example:
• “You’re spending a lot of time with this person; it’s making me feel distant from you”
• “I feel like this friendship is taking away from us”

If they brush you off by saying, “We’re just friends” but you feel like boundaries are being crossed, it’s important to insist on having an honest conversation about your feelings and expectations. You could ask questions like;
• “Do you have sexual or romantic feelings for this person?”
• “How would you feel if I had a connection like that with someone else?”

Remember, the goal is to understand, not to accuse. Listen to your partner’s responses without judgement. Listen to their side but also pay attention to how their actions align with their words. This conversation can be an opportunity to discuss boundaries, address any unmet needs in your relationship, and strengthen your communication. If necessary, seek professional help.

Emotionally cheating on your partner can be just as damaging to the relationship as sexual infidelity.
Violating your partner’s trust is likely to elicit strong negative emotions in them such as anger and sadness. To many, it will feel like a deep betrayal. Emotionally cheating will signal to your partner that you’re dissatisfied with the relationship and lack commitment and investment. But instead of communicating about it, you emotionally “replaced” them with someone else, breaking their trust and sense of safety.
If you’re concerned a friendship might be crossing the line or turning into emotional cheating, it’s important to take action and set boundaries. Set clear boundaries with your friend by having a conversation with your friend to ensure that you’re both looking for a platonic friendship and neither of you is interested in anything sexual or romantic.

If your friend is looking for more than friendship, it’s probably best to end the relationship out of respect to your partner. Be clear and honest with yourself about your feelings for this friend. If you notice you have feelings for them and it’s more than just a friendship, consider your options. You might want to pursue this relationship; in which case you should have a conversation with your partner and potentially end that relationship. If you don’t wish to pursue it, consider whether it might be fairer for your partner to end the friendship.

Think about how you would feel if the tables were turned, and you found out your partner was having an emotional affair with their “bestie? What would you expect them to do if they realized they had feelings for their friend? Talking openly about your friends means you’re being honest and transparent and aren’t giving your partner reason to doubt your faithfulness.

If your partner feels insecure about you having a “bestie” from the opposite sex (for example), you should consider their concerns.

Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]