Mutinta felt betrayed, rejected, and lost. But she didn’t feel hopeless. It was during Easter period that she was learning that her husband of 20 years had a 4-year-old daughter in the outskirts of Lusaka. Is this how Jesus felt when he was carrying the cross to Golgathas hill? She cried to God that this cross was too heavy for her, asking her to do what felt impossible: forgive bo ndate Mubita and stay with him like nothing had happened. How does she explain to her children that they have a sister out there? The embarrassment at church if this leaked, her family would surely make her a laughing stock as everyone used to admire her husband and use him as an example of a good husband. Bo Mubita was a perfect gentleman, he was always home on time, he spent all his weekends with her and the kids. He had no password on his phone and they had joint bank accounts.

How in the world did he manage to keep this child a secret? Where did he find the time to do the extra-activities that produced this child? “Mweleza wangu, candi lemena!”

Going to speak to bo Mubitas young sister almost gave her a heart attack, the sister-in-law didn’t seem surprised. She knew of this child and Mutinta thought she was best friends with her sister-in-law. How could her mulamu/bestie keep such information from her? So, its true, bakuchi muna will always side with their bululu! Mutinta didn’t understand all that God was asking of her. But she did understand his command to forgive. So that evening, she got up from her bed, with swollen eyes, walked to her husband as he taking forever brushing his teeth in the bath, knelt in front of him, “I want to forgive you,” she said. “I want to go through the process of raising the child with you.”

The next few months were difficult. Day after day Mutinta said prayers of desperation: How, God, can I love bo Mubita’s child as my own? How can I work everything out? She began to pray that she would not grow into a bitter woman, forever resentful of her husband’s affair. She didn’t want to live for the rest of her life in fear of his future unfaithfulness. She told God that she did not want to be angry, or jealous. She asked God to heal her marriage, … she wanted to know about any contact he had with the mother to the child, who was she really? And Bo Mubita made it clear that their relationship was over. Mutinta found herself asking God how she was supposed to love another woman’s child.

The issue of accepting children fathered outside of marriage is complex and influenced by various psychological, social, and cultural factors. Many women may struggle with this situation because of:
1. Breach of Trust: Infidelity can lead to feelings of betrayal. A child from an affair may symbolize a deeper breach of trust, making it difficult for the woman to accept the child or the circumstances surrounding their conception.
2. Emotional Impact: The emotional fallout from discovering a partner’s infidelity can be profound. Feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, or resentment may arise, complicating any potential acceptance of the child.
3. Family Dynamics: Introducing a child from another relationship can disrupt existing family dynamics. Women may worry about how this new child will affect their children, the relationship with their partner, and the overall family structure.
4. Social Stigma: In many cultures, there is still a stigma associated with children born out of wedlock. Women may feel societal pressure to uphold certain family ideals, which can influence their willingness to accept a child from an extramarital affair.
5. Resource Allocation: Concerns about emotional and financial resources can play a role. Women may fear that their partner will divide his attention, affection, and financial support between the two families, leading to feelings of insecurity.
6. Cultural and Religious Beliefs: Cultural and religious beliefs can heavily influence attitudes toward infidelity and acceptance of children from outside the marriage. In some cultures, having children with someone other than one’s spouse can be viewed negatively.
7. Personal Values and Beliefs: Individual values regarding fidelity, family, and commitment can shape how a woman responds to this situation. Some may prioritize family unity and may find it difficult to reconcile the presence of a child from an affair.

While these factors can lead to resistance in accepting children from outside the marriage, it’s important to note that every situation is unique. Some women may choose to accept these children, depending on their personal circumstances, emotional resilience, and the dynamics of their relationships.

As a man, the minute you have a sexual relationship with someone, you have consented to the fact that there is a possibility your actions could result in the creation of a child. Consequently, whether you accept this child or not is a non issue as you will certainly have obligations toward this child. Whether there is still a relationship or it was just a one-night stand, be a man, face up to your obligations to your child and next time either abstain or ensure you use fool proof contraception like a vasectomy.

The child on the other hand did not ask to be born and should not be punished for it. Outside of wedlock or not. You accept your offspring because they have your DNA. You were responsible enough to get her pregnant so step up to the plate and be responsible enough to love your flesh and blood, financially, physically and lovingly.

To the women, a child that a husband brings in from infidelity is a daily constant reminder of what once was. And if they have to see the other parent on visitation days it makes it just a little bit worse because they start thinking or wondering, “do they still have feelings for this person”, “what do they feel every other weekend when they see them”, “do they regret not staying in THAT relationship.”

Forgiving a spouse who brings in a child into marriage that is born from infidelity is not for the other person but for yourself. It’s not just sex, but unprotected sex, which puts one’s health at risk. And if a man decides to have nothing to do with such a child, it must scare you that an adult human being can be so irresponsible towards an innocent child.

Turning my attention to women, why would you ever want to inflict any sort of distress or take anything away from a completely faultless, innocent child? It is totally understood if you are not ready to accept the child in your house when you are hurting but a time should come when you need to feel and accept that pain by letting the child come through because believe you me, sooner or later that child will grow up and demand to see her/his fathers house and be a part of it. If anyone deserves your anger, let it be the man who broke your trust and cheated, not an innocent child and If you find yourself having bad ideas or poisoning or pouring hot cooking oil or an innocent child, seek counselling or prayers before you secure yourself a place in Chimbwakaila (prison).

Blaming your in-laws for keeping such information away from you; it’s not in their place to disclose to it. Your spouse should do his honest part and come clean, your in-laws even though they might be your best buddies will always side with their brother. Maybe those in-laws have been pleading with your husband to come clean all these years but they will never be a Judas to their brother and take your side, it’s something you need to understand and accept.

On the other hand, forgiveness provides emotional healing, reducing stress and enhancing overall mental wellbeing. It improves relationships through empathy and understanding. They say, “if hope gives you wings, forgiveness will often be what you need to get off the ground.”

Seek help when in need, visit a counsellor near you!

About the author

Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.

Email: [email protected]