I AM not joking, if God doesn’t allow me to go to Heaven, I will kill myself because I can’t afford to miss this epic fight in paradise between Alice Banda and Faith Kandaba.

Yeah people, and give it to Canisius Banda – not many men have the ability to show this kind of love to two women at the same time (all men please wink with me here).

But before I show you why there will be a punch-up in Heaven, let me just take a minute and ask why in hell Dr Canisius Banda is here fantasising over his love for Faith when his competitor, GBM is out there battling it out with the police.

Anyway, Dr Canisius, here is how it works. If someone good dies, you go and lay wreaths to show that you will miss them fondly, you don’t sit down and write thousand words of intimacy, especially if that someone was someone else’s special someone.

That’s why when your beloved wife Alice, ascended to Heaven, no one but you had the right to write the romantic lamentation for her, and you did, right?

But fellow voters, I don’t know what kind of enterviews Dr Canisius gave Faith, I will just try and summarise how vulnerable the journalist has left her source of hard news.

Dr CANISIUS on Facebook: “Faith Kandaba was a dear and beloved friend of mine.

We shared many things. We shared laughter together. We gave each other; fed off each other. ‘The good thing about you Canisius is that you are humble and you do not pretend’, I remember her telling me. In the purest meaning of that word, Faith LOVED me. And I LOVED her. Ask Effie Mphande.”

(No, I won’t ask her because I don’t think Effie Mphande speaks for other people, unless you are saying the two ZNBC journalist shared your enterviews – in which case, I will ask why you are crying when not all is lost.)

“Faith Kandaba showed me her heart. She narrated to me just how it had been broken over the years. She even named names of people that had broken it. I felt like punching them in the nose. But Jesus said no.”

(Wait, She reported her heartbreakers to you, instead of Jesus? And Jesus said don’t punch them? Wow! Halleluiah).

“’You have a very beautiful wife’, beaming I remember her reminding me.”

(Whaaaat? She reminded you? You mean you forgot that you were married? Or you forgot that Alice was beautiful?).

“And when my wife died Faith Kandaba came home; held my hand and we cried together.”

(Well you are the doctor and you know crying doesn’t always mean sadness, so just get me popcorn on my way to Heaven, coz I am not missing this one).

“On 14 January, this year, Faith Kandaba came home. She said she was doing a documentary about President Edgar Lungu’s one year in office. She wanted my thoughts to balance things. On that bright Thursday morning, in the midst of her workmates, we KISSED. And the cameraman blushed.”

Oh Lord! Kill me now somebody, and I will be seating right next to Col Paul Banda’s wife in paradise watching these two knock the hell out of each other.

What you are missing Dr Canisius is that to many of us, Faith Kandaba was like a mosaic painting mounted to a wall of a dwelling house. Regardless of the angle, we all saw her smiling at us and she beautified our lives as God’s specially created gift to the world.

Of course we didn’t need to kiss her to prove that, and in fact, if we had to write a poem for her, it would pretty much be short, to the point. Like this:

Press freedom!
Press freedom!
Why have you taken my…

Wait, this has got nothing to do with press freedom, right? Okay let me try again, and please join me Effie Mpande.

Death! Death!
Death you are a murderer!
You have taken Faith from me.
Now I have no Faith to fight.
Without Faith, I won’t go home.
Even my take home, can’t take me home

That’s it for today