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HippopotamusBy Joseph Mwenda on 1 Nov 2016
IF someone told him that he could now inject patients with the doctorate he received from Californian Beverages (or whatever the name of the university), then we must thank Dr Chishimba Kambwili that he first tried it on himself.
DR KAMBWILI: “After I listened to the news I went upstairs to take my injection, you know I have been diabetic since 2000. So lilya linefye ndeingisha inyeleti kwaa, yakontokela namukati.”
Okay, lets not leave anybody behind on this one. This is the chief government spokesperson of the Republic of Zambia narrating how the tip of a 25 gauge 1cc hypodermic needle, 3 millionths of a meter sharp, couldn’t penetrate his skin. And what did he do when the poor needle broke in his abundant flesh?
DR KAMBWILI: “Elo nomba ndemwita madam; Baby! Elo nawo alewaya-waya ati ‘naisa ililine ntambeko…’ nati iweh, nafibipa pano pamulu… inyeleti yakontokela mumubili, afulungana madam. Efyo twaile ku hospital, elobasanga inyeleti nayenda mumubili; it was moving.”
Now before we move to what happened at the hospital, let me just mention here that since Dr Kambwili couldn’t walk back down stares to tell “baby” what happened, I am guessing the nyeleti broke in his left buttock and he couldn’t move. Anyway what did the Copper Stone University doctors say at the hospital.
DR KAMBWILI: “You know at Maina Soko they also have got Chinese doctors, nomba abena Zambia bebele ati ‘first let’s do x-ray tumaking’e epo kali…’ then the Chinese bakana bebele ‘no no no, this thing is moving’, by the time muleya ku UTH for x-ray nokubwela, it will have moved again. Elo nomba naumfwa balelanda ati ‘these small ones are very difficult, they can end up in the bloodstream and go to the heart and that’s it’. Ine nati kwena efyo bafwa abantu ififine.”
And this is what really pissed off Dr Kambwili, because the incompetent doctors kept him awake while they painfully shoved him around.
DR KAMBWILI: “It was local anesthesia, and I think to be operated on under local anesthesia is not good, it’s better naulalafye completely, because you listen to what they are saying the doctors…’it’s not here, cut deeper this side…’ ati ‘the BP is going down…’ Nati mwebaume mwinjipaya ndimutuntulu.”
But what the learned Californian doctor forgot was that his fellow doctors could not inject him any further with general anesthesia because it was an injection which had gotten him in trouble in the first place – thanks to his nyeleti-proof skin.
Anyhow, here is free advice Dr Kambwili, next time you need a reliable needle to inject yourself with, talk to Wynter Kabimba.
Aparently, that socialist protagonist comrade owns a game ranch where you can find Zebras impalas, hyenas, warthogs and most importantly – porcupines!
Take any notorious hippopotamus skin near a porcupine, any porcupine – even a communist porcupine – it will inject you with such precision and tayakakontoke.
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