Dear Aka-Monde,
I read your article on “I do with a Narcissist,” now am wondering, does it mean only men can be narcissist, I feel my wife is one too. She uses sex as a weapon to make me agree to things I wouldn’t normally agree to. If I deny her requests or demands, it means I go punished without sex for weeks in the house, she even charges me for every act in bed. This makes me stay out late with the boys after work, it’s not my ideal lifestyle but I would rather have a few drinks to just avoid getting home in time.
Sincerely Musa
Dear Musa,
Narcissistic personality is also found in women. In women, it is characterized by grandiosity, entitlement and an excessive need for validation. It’s true that female narcissists are less common compared to males, but they are there. While a female narcissist can be charming and lovable at first, they tend to be hypertensive to criticism.
Many of us assume that narcissists are mainly men, but narcissism has no gender bias, men, women, anyone can be a narcissist, and these can be our mothers, sisters, aunties, bosses, co-workers, friends or indeed spouses.
Female narcissism is mainly associated with behavior that focuses on appearance, gossip and jealous and this makes it hard to identity. The female narcissist hides in being a gentle girl, maternal mother instinct. We don’t expect elderly grandmothers whom we assume to be nurturing and sweet to be ruthless and cruel, neither do we expect them to neglect or abuse children. We have instances whereby a mother in-law is so cruel because it’s the narcissistic behavior in the mother that makes her very mean and we usually pass it off as that’s how most mothers-in-law behave.
Some men are more vulnerable to narcissistic women than others, these types of men are as follows;
• Lonely men who are desperate for love and affection
• Men who need ego validation and appreciation
• Men who are missing support and respect in their lives
• Men who are sexually frustrated and want romance
• High status men with lots of money and power
• Men who enjoy drama, risks and entertainment.
People with narcissistic personality disorders can be quite charming but this persona wears off. They are hypersensitive to criticism and highly defensive when offended. When a person is self-centered in the extreme, this a likely sign of narcissistic personality. Common types of narcissists include;
i Overt narcissist: people who display most of the traditional narcissist traits and behave in a boastful manner.
ii Covert narcissist: someone who appears selfless and generous with their time and money. These are likely active in charities and use roles to promote themselves by forming a favorable impression.
iii Malignant narcissist: has traits of both narcissistic personality disorders and antisocial disorder. These are dangerous because they display a lack of empathy and prey on others.
Being raised by a narcissist damages one’s confidence and self-esteem. The law of conformity also applies such that most people who were raised by narcissists end by being narcissists as well. While women narcissists often use manipulative behavior to fulfill their needs, male narcissists use force, intimidation or physical aggression.
Remember the names we gave to most of our guardians such as Savimbi, Saddam, due to their aggressive behaviours as we were growing up and most of us have probably been given names in our homes if we have adopted the aggressive narcissistic behavior towards our children.
Most female narcissists display needy or dependent patterns in their relationships with others which betray their underlaying insecurities. By being helpless, most narcissists lure people in. And once they do, they often use the victim card to exploit others or convince people to do things for them. This tendency is one of the most common traits of a narcissist woman which may be due to societal expectations and gender roles. Just because narcissistic women are not usually physically aggressive does not necessarily mean they are any nicer or less dangerous. Female narcissists may use different types of aggression like gossiping, spreading rumors, name calling or giving the cold shoulder or the silent treatment. These forms of abuse are just as harmful as the more overt forms of aggression in male narcissists.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a clinically diagnosed personality disorder characterized by a grandiosity, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy towards other people. We all probably know friends or family we refer to as “ma some of us,” and this is mainly to the kind of grandiosity behaviour that these people exhibit, everything is about them. This disorder happens to both males and females and while males and females exhibit different traits, they all end by punishing their victims by either aggression or explosive outburst or by withholding attention and affection. Like all narcissists, female narcissists are deeply insecure and, in an attempt to hide their insecurities or flaws, they are overly concerned with their physical appearance. Material things like clothes help validate their insecurities and some female narcissists place an emphasis on their children’s image to help evaluate their own. We have heard of overbearing mothers-in-law, this may be a sign of a female narcissist. They will show up at their child’s home and re-arrange furniture, rewash clothes, want to cook food and make decisions. In addition, a narcissist mother-in-law will be jealous of her daughter-in-law and when it comes to envy, there is no one more envious than the narcissistic woman.
If you realise you are dealing with a narcissist in a friendship, relationship or professional setting, be on guard. They can turn on you at any moment, never think you will be the exception to their interpersonal exploitation. If at a place of work, stick to email or small talk that can be easily documented, minimize communication. If you notice a colleague who is constantly engaging in rumors or malicious gossip, make your interactions short and excuse yourself. That toxic person will eventually accuse you of being the one speaking ill of others if you give them a listening ear. If someone is constantly bad-mouthing others, it’s a question of when will she bad-mouth you? Remember that in the presence of a narcissist, there will always be a few people who are fooled. Detach yourself from the narcissist and remember the narcissist’s greatest fear is exposure and a victim they cannot control.
If you are deeply grounded in your self-validation, a narcissist; male or female cannot use threats of tarnishing your reputation or friendship against you. Your integrity will always speak for you. Just as we should never argue with a drunk, it’s a waste of time to argue with a narcissist. Instead walk away and display a complete lack of indifference to the narcissist’s behaviour and accusations.
So, my dear Mr. Musa, if you are convinced your wife is a narcissist, have a good relationship with her by setting boundaries to how much you can tolerate. Make it clear that you are entitled to conjugal rights and do not give in to her threats. Walk away from arguments and just like a lion tamer has a relationship with a lion, stand firm in your relationship with her because she is your wife. Try and convince her to undergo couple therapy so she knows how you feel in the way she treats you.
Seek help when in need, talk to a counsellor near you!
About the author
Aka Monde, is a licensed Professional Counsellor who holds a Master of Science in Counselling from the University of Zambia. She believes in the adage “a problem shared, is a problem half solved.” Speak to your pastor, church elder, elderly family member or see a professional counsellor when in need.
Email: [email protected]
